Katie Holmes: Devising an Exit Strategy?

“They’re everywhere. Someone please help me.”
A gardener found this message scrawled in the dirt in the backyard of the mansion where Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise currently live.
I know I’m risking a rattlesnake in my mailbox by saying this, but Katie Holmes is reaching out. She didn’t realize that when she married Tom Cruise, she was marrying the late L. Ron Hubbard as well.
Katie has held on long enough and hasn’t left Tom Cruise's side since they began dating in April 2005. She’s supported him through thick and thin and even sat through Mission Impossible III. Lately it’s been reported that Holmes has been openly flirting with Adam Rothenberg, her co-star in the upcoming film, Mad Money.
However, that support has caused her grief. According to one Hollywood insider, the actress, who gave birth to daughter Suri last year, has been told by her husband to attend "mommy classes" taught by Scientologists.
("There are parenting classes," a Scientology source confirms.)
"Katie was quite offended by that," the source said. "Can you imagine when you're 28 and have your first child to be told you need to go to this church to become a better mom?"
“Most of the moves Katie has made in her life have been smart ones,” the source continued. “But, she told me the other day that she now regrets three decisions – marrying Tom, starring in First Daughter and in Pieces of April.”
Holmes now finds herself surrounded by fellow Scientologists (an exception is Victoria Beckham, who one Hollywood insider describes as "a link to the outside world").
From the time Holmes and Cruise began dating, the actress - who, pre-Cruise, did interviews without a publicist - has been assigned a Scientology "minder," whose job, according to a Scientology expert, is "to make sure that nothing is said or done that would be critical of the church."
In fact, virtually everyone on the couple's staff is a Scientologist. Says the source, "Everyone who works with Tom is technically minding Katie."
So why does Katie stay? What will Suri's life be like growing up as a Scientologist? What did Tom's ex, Nicole Kidman, think about Scientology?
(Please Note: This article is more than 50% fiction with the remainder being pure conjecture. In no way should any of this be taken seriously.)