Monday, September 24, 2007

Shaking One for the Home Team

CBS NFL analyst Charlie Casserly reported on yesterday’s pregame show that the NFL sent a memo to all 32 teams last week informing them that home teams are not allowed to tell their cheerleaders to warm up, stretch, or otherwise do anything in front of the visiting team's bench that might distract the players before the game.Apparently there were concerns around the league that some teams had specifically told their cheerleading units to warm up prior to the game right in front of the visiting team, in hopes that the visiting team's players would be too distracted checking out the cheerleaders to pay attention to their coaches' pregame instructions.

“Some of the girls were getting a little too close to the visiting teams,” said Perky Areolas, head cheerleader consultant and official pom-pom inspector for the NFL. “There were actually a couple lap dances going on. We found dollar bills in some of the ladies’ cheering shorts, which is highly inappropriate.”

Some cheerleaders were also allegedly wearing tiny microphones in their tight-fitting outfits and asking opposing players to divulge plays and formations. “We were just doing what the coaches told us to do,” an anonymous NFL cheerleader said. “I was able to get a little bit of one team’s game plan out of a rookie who couldn’t keep his eyes off of my undulating breasts. Hey, if it gives our guys an advantage, we’ll do whatever it takes.” There has been no word on whether it's legal to videotape the opposing team's cheerleaders. “This is getting crazy,” said one unnamed NFL official. “Pretty soon they’re going to make the cheerleaders wear burlap sacks so that they don’t distract people. Hey, they’re cheerleaders. If they’re not distracting folks, they’re not doing their job!”

(Portions of this article cam from, while others are pure fiction provided for entertainment purposes only.)