Saturday, December 12, 2009

A Tough Interview

I was looking for a writer's assistant to do research for me and take some dictation. The first few prospectives seemed like decent candidates. And then this clown strolled in. His resume said that his name is "Hitler Bacon". That must have been a very good sign that meant I should abort this interview.

"What are your strengths?" I asked this guy. It's a stupid question and I hate it whenever an interviewer asks this, but I was in shock looking at this individual, so I resorted to this question as default.

And his answer was more bizarre than I anticipated.

"I help people because I am a people person. People like me and I dig them and everyone just gets real warm and fuzzy around me. They feel at ease when I talk to them, because I eminate a sense of confidence."

"What's with the bacon on your head?" I asked.

"This is bacon, yes--but what it represents is the fact that I won't live in a box. I'm an innovative, unique person who doesn't dance to the same band others enjoy."

"This interview is over. Don't call us, we'll call you."

(Thank God there's a thing called pre-employment screening.)

Mrs. Claus Wants Gifts Too!

Here is Mrs. Claus's Wish List for The Big Day:
1.) Beard clipper

2.) Lots of spiked Egg Nog

3.) Reindeer poo picker upper

4.) Sedative to give to over-hyped elves

6.) Easter Bunny Chia Pet

7.) Victoria Secret gift certificate

8.) Ice trays

9.) Vodka

10.) 420 stocking stuffers

11.) New glasses

12.) A Bugatti Veryon

13.) A $6.4 million mansion in Malibu next door to Madonna

14.) A good divorce attorney

Did Santa get caught cheating like Tiger? At least he was probably smart enough to avoid texting!

Happy Christmas!