Saturday, March 28, 2009

128 years old? Did Cruz Hernandez Have Life Insurance?

Cruz Hernandez died at 128 years old. One day, after eating a tamale, Hernandez drank some milk and went to sleep forever. Wow--128 years--that's a long time! I wonder if she had life insurance? I wonder if anyone told her about http://www.wholesaleinsurance.net/? If Cruz had gone through their Web site, she could have gotten a whole slew of different life insurance quotes that would have helped her track down the very best ones for her. Young, old, single or with a big family, everyone should have life insurance....because most of us won't live to be 128!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Looking Good In a Great Tux

There really is no other way to go. Even a hideous looking individual will look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney in a good tuxedo. A fine, understated tuxedo with all the proper accessories, is a sign that you're a classy man with a master plan. I am getting married in about 7 weeks, and I'm thinking about a tuxedo rather than just a suit, because they look so great and will add that certain air of style to the much-anticipated festivities. I'll be strutting my something and doing what I do best-looking too cool for school--in my well-appointed tuxedo. Move over Brad and George--here some Eddy in his new tuxedo!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

WWW.BUY.COM Always Gets It Done!

I had to buy some stuff and I had had it with paying top dollar for low-quality fluff, so I decided to stop playing the clown and got on down to www.buy.com. They have a Sale on right now at www.buy.com that will blow your mind and turn you on! You know www.buy.com there the website that has Howie Mandel doing those absolutely hilarious commercials? www.buy.com just doesn't toot their horn and then leave you all alone; when it comes to giving great prices, they really throw you the bone! If you need electronics, clothing, household items and much more, you need to get to this website immediately. Go to the best and get top prices. www.buy.com can help you save cash during these recessionary times.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Why Is This Gorilla Upset?

Why is this gorilla mad? Well, it has to do with luggage. Remember those old TV commericals for American Tourister luggage where the gorilla tries to destroy the suitcase and can't do it. Now, that's sturdy luggage. That commercial was first aired in the '70s, and the luggage on the market today is much more advanced and better-built in every way. If you're looking for new luggage (which I am, in fact) you should really check out this website: http://www.luggagebase.com/. They have some of the best prices on all the big name brands. If you want 1.) quality 2.) price and 3.) delivery, the best place to go to is http://www.luggagebase.com/.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Punking Craigs List, The Sequel

A local newspaper ran another ad for San Franicsco beat reporters, offering a little more than minimum wage. Angry and insulted, I sent them this response:

"I am responding to the job you posted on Craigs List. I believe that I am an ideal fit for the position, because I'm a team player, a prime mover and the wind beneath your wings.
Hey, I admit I will never be Ernest Hemingway (I tried for a while, but I hated all the booze and the bullfighting, not to mention the uncomfortable beard), but I am pretty damn good!
I don't go out looking for stories. Stories come to me. Most of the time, I AM the story.
I could get you great stories just from my day-to-day activities, including:
1.) What are the hookers in the Tenderloin up to? What are they charging? What acts are they committing? Are they offering recession pricing?
2.) What are the bookies in the Sunset up to? What teams are people betting on? Have they had to break any legs lately in order to get paid?
3.) What are the rogue cops in North Beach up to? How many harmless drunks are they beating nearly to death every weekend? How many punks are they tazing, billy clubbing, etc.
4.) What is Gavin up to? Whose wife is he sleeping with currently? What hair gel is he using? Briefs or boxers?
5.) What's going on at the Zoo? Are the tigers still pissed? Is that one poor gorilla still eating his own vomit? Is that spider monkey who looks like Dianne Feinstein still peeing on visitors?This is the kind of stuff people in The City want to know. And I can get it!"

Thursday, March 05, 2009

"No Sweat"--Dehumidifiers Can Help!

Where did the term "Sweating like a pig" come from? Do swine sweat more than people do? Here in California, humidity is not a big issue. We don't have the humid climate that you might find in places like Florida, for example. When I was in Florida, I could not believe the extreme humidity. It was so uncomfortable--I felt like a big, sticky glob of flesh. I am so happy to be living here in San Francisco. To me, it's the best climate in the country. Sure, we get a lot of fog and rain (it's been raining now for almost two straight weeks!), but I hate the heat and it never gets over 90 degrees in SF. The average temperature is around 65 degrees, which I think is ideal. For you readers who live in humid areas, maybe you should consider buying one of the many good dehumidifiers that are out there on the market today. A high-quality dehumidifier can remove excess moisture from the air, as well as eliminate volatile organic compounds (VOCs) like mold spores, germs and assorted bacteria. That way you can leave the sweating to the pigs!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Why is this guy frowning?

The man in this picture does not look too happy. His name is Mark Attanasio, and he owns the Milwaukee Brewers. Why is he so dour? Probably because he's is getting consistently outbid for players by teams like the NY Yankees, NY Mets, L.A. Dodgers and Chicago Cubs, just to name a few. Maybe he should consider buying liquidated businesses or items on a wholesale basis. In this recession, there are many great opportunities to purchase wholesale and save copious amounts of serious cash! It's a huge time for liquidations, because companies are folding like origami, baby! Will Mark Attanasio be smiling come October? My opinion is no. I am picking his Brewers to finish third, well out of the money. Poor Mark Attanasio! If he had only considered buying WHOLESALE!!

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Whining to Coppola


I had a dream last night that I was talking to Francis Ford Coppola at this winery in Napa.
He wanted to talk wines and I wanted to talk movies. And it was really annoying.
"Francis, tell me about your trials and tribulations trying to work with Marlon Brando on the chaotic set of Apocalypse Now."
All he wanted to talk about was the oakiness of his Merlot.
"Please, Mr. Coppola, I'd love to hear about your experiences shooting The Godfather, my 2nd favorite movie of all time." (My favorite movie is actually One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but I would never be so rude as to tell Francis that. It would be rude and boorish.)
All he wanted to discuss was the dark cherry flavors found in his Cabernet.
"Was it fun working with Gene Hackman in The Conversation?"
All Coppola wanted to chat about was the fruit forward quality of his Pinot.
I left there feeling very confused and alone. So many questions unanswered.
I need to know more about wine, I thought--so, that I can get this man to talk to me about his movies.
First thing on my agenda: Join a wine of the month club.

My 5 Ugliest Cars Ever Made

Let’s face it—for every great car we produce on this planet, they’re bound to be a couple of real duds. Unfortunately, failure is just a fact of life. These vehicles probably looked really good on the drawing board, but in reality they were design disasters that are best forgotten. Not only did my Bottom 5 look bad, but they also performed poorly.

1.) 1975 AMC Pacer: One of the lowest points in the history of car making, the AMC Pacer was a disaster of great proportions on many levels—from the 95hp inline 6-cylinder engine all the way to the terrible fuel economy—18mpg. So, not only did it not turn heads (except in shock), this vehicle rode like a covered wagon with one bad wheel. The design reminds me of something you’d see in a 1950’s “B” sci-fi film. Consequently, the Pacer has become the poster child of 1970’s bad automotive design. If there are any of these cars left out there, they should be destroyed, for the good of the race and the culture. When other civilizations look back on us 1,000 years from now, the Pacer will undoubtedly be cited as the beginning of the end.

2.) 1974 VW Thing: Aluminum siding meets bad design, the Thing looks like a Sear storage shed on wheels. Originally designed by Volkswagen for the German military, this piece of rolling junk must have had Hitler rolling over in his grave. The German Army had a lot of success overtaking their enemies driving this vehicle--they essentially laughed themselves into submission. The Thing didn’t last long in this country, when it was deemed unsafe by U.S. standards. Some people actually thought this car was “cute”, which goes to show you that there’s a fine line between pretty and ugly. (Just look at Cameron Diaz in the wrong light and you’ll see what I mean.)

3.) 1974 Ford Mustang II: After the oil embargo of 1973, Detroit starting making ugly cars featuring poor performance, all in the name of cost savings. This Pinto-ish car is the one Ford would love to forget. Mustang has had a great run with some awesome models along the way, but they can’t all be winners. The 1974 Mustang is the Dopey of the Seven Dwarves. The best motor you could get with this car was a 171 cubic inch V6, generating 105hp and getting from 0-60mph in 14.2 seconds. A lot of people aged rapidly while waiting for this car to get up to highway speed.

4.) 1988 Citroen 2CV: Why are French people so bitter as a rule? Maybe it’s because they can’t get this ridiculous car out of their minds. Literally meaning “two steam horses” this vehicle drove more like “two lame mules.” French designer Pierre-Jules called the Citroen 2CV a “low-priced umbrella on wheels.” Described as “rugged” and “reliable”, traveling in this car was like riding a roller coaster from hell. It had the amazing ability to swerve on a perfectly level, straight road.

5.) 1986 Yugo GV: Over-priced at $3,990, the Yugo GV came as close to being a disposable car as anything before or since. With a 1.1 litre motor generating 58hp and featuring a terrible transmission, if this car wasn’t on the road it was in the shop, keeping the auto repair industry busy for more than a decade.

Father Time's Been Late Lately

I had been waiting around for Father Time all day. He was late once again.
I hate it when people are late. It's like they're saying, "Hey, my time is more valuable than yours."
Finally, Father Time strolls in, acting as if nothing is wrong.
"Hey Time," I said, mad enough to dispense with the 'Father' part. "You're late."
"Well, I'm very sorry, son, I..."
"Yeah, you're like two hours late. It's like comedy, it's all about ti- ti- timing. Isn't it pretty much the duty of Father Time to be, uh...on time?"
"Well, yes it's preferred, of course," Time was back pedaling big-time. "It's suggested, obviously. But, in this situation, I..."
"No more excuses dude," I interrupted. I didn't have time for Time's excuses.
"What you need is one of those Hamilton watches. You'll never be late with a Hamilton."
"But, aren't they expensive? Even Time is feeling the recession, you know."
"They're very affordable. And do me a favor? Stop talking about yourself in the third person. It's annoying."
"Oh. Sorry. I thought you liked it."
"Not this time....Time."
Even Father Time needs a little tough love now and then, I thought to myself.
Next time he'll be three minutes early. Just watch.