I am so tired of some of the Help Wanted ads I find on Craigs list every day. What really gets my goat is when I see these postings where companies require a wide range of very specific qualifications, all the way from whether or not a person has a sense of humor, how many kids they have or what kind of car they drive.These are employers that want to get deep into your life. They might as well move in next door .Yet, in most cases, they’re offering below-market wages for all these qualifications they require. Then, after they hire you, they’ll undoubtedly work you like a dog and make your life miserable.
And it’s been getting worse lately because we’re in a recession and employers can make candidates jump through more hoops than ever before. They’re so many unemployed people out there and competition for jobs is so fierce that they can get away with it and it makes me ill.
Today I saw a posting for an entry-level sales position, in which a search firm was asking for ridiculous qualifications. Somewhere in the ad they said that they were looking for a person who was in a fraternity or sorority and played intramural sports. What on earth does that have to do with being a good entry-level salesman? So, I decided to punk them a little bit. I sent the company this e-mail as a reply to their posting. They want a frat boy? Well, I gave them one:
I read your posting and feel as though I fit all the very specific criteria you've so skillfully outlined.
Some things about me you should know and embrace:
-I was the starting QB on my school's intramural frat football squad. We won it all 6 years straight!
-I was a stud with all the sorority babes--Alpha Phi, Delta Gamma, even some of the less-ugly Chi-O's--I hit it all and often.
-I earned a 3.75 GPA over a 13-semester period.
-I worked my way through college as one of the best bookies on campus.
-I had sex with three of my hotter professors. (and got A's in all 3 classes!)
-I didn't do any drugs, although I must admit I did my share of drinking. (4-times 200 Club)
-I was only arrested once and the charges were eventually reduced.
-I was Homecoming King in 2002. Won the IFC pancake eating contest in 2002-03 and appeared in the background of a Girls Gone Wild video in Cabo in 2004 during Spring Break!
As you can see, I'm a winner and a top-tier individual who is driven and focused on the prize. I think I'm an ideal match for this job. Maybe we can get together for a couple beers after Turkey Day and discuss the position? There used to be a kicking strip club down there called the Brass Rail--maybe we can meet there.
I am already in serious discussions with several Fortune 500 companies, so you better act fast!
I’ve decided to do a book called “Punking People on Craigs list.” Keep an eye out for it in coming months!
