It's His Birthday, for Christ's Sake!

Santa Claus has stolen the limelight from Jesus on his birthday and it's just not cool!
Christmas is all about gift giving, Santa Claus and caroling; overeating and sleeping in; egg nog and mistletoe; wild office parties and designated drivers.

It’s about getting together with relatives you can’t stand and sitting in airports for hours on end; driving around mall parking lots and dealing with screaming brats and teetering seniors.

It’s about putting lights on the house without falling off the roof; killing a perfectly nice evergreen tree and keeping it alive in your living room with sugar water until December 26th, when you dump it on the corner like an unwanted stepchild.

It’s your Aunt Irene’s terrible Jello fruit mold and Grandma Victoria's “Armageddon survivor’s” fruitcake.

My question is -- before we get totally lost in all the hoopla -- what the heck happened to Jesus? I mean, isn’t Christmas supposed to His birthday? How and why did Santa Claus and his entourage push Our Savior to the back pages of the newspaper, across from the Suduko, Word Jumble and obituaries? How on earth did the Big Guy from Heaven fall so fast? And how can He make a comeback? I mean, if John Travolta and Mariah Carey did it, surely Jesus can figure out how to get back on the front page, without killing someone or entering rehab.

There’s no doubt about it -- Jesus needs a complete makeover. My advice to Our Lord is to hire a new, hip publicist and start appealing to the teenagers and 20-somethings of the world. Change water into Red Bull. Get a newer robe with a higher thread count. Put pictures in the Bible. Better yet, make it a pop-up book. Did you know that they have Grecian Formula for beards now? Do some 8-minute abs. Get on myspace or facebook. Write for BrooWaha. Go on Springer or Ellen. Get your own video game.

And Jeez, change your back story. The whole part about the crucifixion needs to be spun a little differently. No one likes to hear about a guy getting strung up on a cross and being left to die. It’s not warm and fuzzy. It’s dark and bloody. It scares kids and grosses people out. Tell folks you got hit by a chariot or abducted by aliens or snatched up by some cult, I don’t know.

I do like the swaddling clothes in the manger part of the story, however. Stick with that and maybe expand on it a little. Everyone’s encountered an overbooked hotel and people will always gravitate toward the “local kid makes good” /”rags to riches” type of thing.

And spruce up the three wise men bearing gifts concept. Alter the story to where they’re the three “baby daddy’s” -- it’s more contemporary. Maybe change their presents to an iPhone, a Nintendo Wii and some Viagra. I mean, who evens knows what frankincense and myrrh are anyway? No one from this century, that’s for sure.

I’m not trying to be sacrilegious here. I believe in God and I’m a big fan of Jesus. I was raised Catholic. I saw “Hair” twice and actually sat through "The Passion” even though I knew the ending. People will be upset over this article, because religion is a very sensitive subject. I know enough to avoid the topic at parties, believe me.

Many of my friends are Jews, Scientologists, Atheists, Buddhists, Amway Sales People, Members of the Raider Nation -- even Ignostics (that’s the religion where you think there’s a higher power but are too ignorant or apathetic to bother figuring out what you believe).

I respect your religion, whatever it is. I have no problem with your God, whoever he or she may be. Just don’t try to convert me or ask me to go to bake sales or buy raffle tickets.

I just feel like The Most Holy One deserves more press than He’s getting, especially on His birthday. If it weren’t for Jesus, we’d be spending the holiday season waiting for "Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve Special" and watching over-hyped college bowl games.

Without Jesus, there would be no Santa. There would be no Christmas tree. There would be no Uncle Jack to fall asleep after dinner and drool all over your parent’s loveseat. There would be no teeth shattering fruit cake. And there would surely be no reason to run up your credit card bill buying useless stuff that will all eventually end up as ancient landfill long after mankind is a painful afterthought.

So, let’s put Christ back in Christmas and put a big “X” over Xmas. Let’s throw Him the 34th birthday bash he never resurrected Himself in time to enjoy. For Christ’s sake – it’s the right thing to do. After all, He did die for our sins. (Question: Does that include the ones we haven’t committed yet?)

Mr. & Mrs. Joker

This photo of the new Joker was revealed recently. The Joker is my favorite villain. Jack Nicholsen was the best Joker, with Cesar Romero finishing a close second. The newest Joker is being played by Heath Ledger. He looks really strange -- and mean.

Too bad Leona Helmsley isn't around anymore, because she would have made a great Mrs. Joker.

I Dream About Plumbing Fixtures

Lately, plumbing fixtures have been showing up in my dreams, especially faucets and sinks. Maybe I was a plumber in another life, I don't know. Faucets, sinks, shower heads, toilets, bathtubs -- they circle around in my mind while I'm fast asleep. Maybe the spirits are trying to tell me that I need to remodel our bathroom -- I'm not certain. It's the weirdest thing. Yesterday I even started looking at web sites that sell plumbing fixtures, and I found a great site named www.faucet.com. What a great web site. They have a wide selection, a low price gaurantee and they'll ship to you for free if you order more than $99 worth of stuff from them.

Cover It When You're Done Playing With It!

If you have an expensive car like this one here (a Maybach Exelero, worth $8 million and change), you should really think about putting a car cover over it. It's a fact that car covers will help your vehicle last longer. They protect the paint and the finish and will ass years to the life of the car. I found a great site called http://www.bigskycarcovers.com/ and these people are the Boston Red Sox of car covers. Which means (to all you non-baseball fans) that they're the very best in the business. They're the World Champs of car covers!

Vacuum Cleaners Make a Practical Gift

Some people give you frivolous things for Christmas -- like stocking stuffers, funny gag gifts and things you will never really need. Then, there are those other folks (who you are probably related to) who give you presents that you can use. This is where vacuum cleaners come into the picture. Vacuum cleaners are something you will always find a good use for. We have three, actually. A really high-quality vacuum cleaner is great to have. So, think about it as a gift if you know somebody who needs one.

10 Rules for Fledgling Santas

Every holiday season, I volunteer to be Santa Claus at local charity fundraisers, friends’ parties and a host of other events. I love being Santa, for a variety of reasons. I love the look of amazement in a young child’s eyes (usually between 2-8) when you know he or she still believes. I even like the skeptical “whatever” stare I get from teenagers when I can plainly see that the magic of the big guy is no longer in their lives. And I even enjoy the lustful look that 40-something thrice-divorced women who are into fat guys give me as they insist on sitting on my lap.

Over the years, I have developed a 10-point plan for being a believable Santa Claus. If you ever have to don the costume and play the role, you should really read these.

1. Play the part 100%
As my acting coach used to say -- “Go all out or don’t go.” If you believe you’re really Santa then everyone else will buy into it. Wearing the costume is a privilege, so don’t do anything that might spoil the big man’s image – like smoke, swear, spit, hit on women or break loud wind.

2. Learn your ho’s
A weak “ho, ho, ho!” greeting is the quickest way to be labeled a weak, panty-waist Santa Claus and nobody wants a wimpy St. Nick in their presence. Practice your delivery before the gig, and make sure you use a loud, deep, bass-heavy voice with just the correct amount of pacing. Think jolly, yet confident. Assured and comforting, with a twinkle on the side. Project your voice and shake the rafters!

3. Control your beard
The most important part of the outfit is the hair and beard. Too many times a cheap or poorly attached beard will ruin the illusion. First off, purchase or rent a high-quality beard. Use safety pins or small two-sided adhesive strips to make sure the beard doesn’t shift. One time a 10-year-old girl said to me, “Santa, your beard is falling off. I know there is no such thing as Santa, but I don’t want to ruin it for the little kids who still believe in you.” She then re-adjusted my beard.

4. Don’t skimp on the costume
Get the high-end suit, not the Walgreen’s one. It may cost a little more money, but it’s worth it. Kids aren’t stupid and they’ll know you’re not Kris Kringle right away if you skimp on the costume.

5. Don’t get hammered
This can be embarrassing. On one particular holiday evening I over-imbibed on some cheap red wine. One little kid who was sitting on my lap looked as his mother and said, “Hey mom – Santa smells just like daddy – like Gallo.” I corrected the child and told him that it was actually Kenwood. That was bad. Lay off the sauce when you’re Santa. There will be plenty of time to hit the egg nog later at the after-party.

6. No lap dances
Keep adults off your lap. It’s unnatural and unhealthy and can lead to sexual harassment charges if and when a party gets out of hand.

7. Do your research
Children will invariably ask a lot of specific questions. “What’s your definition of ‘bad’?”; “Why do you go down chimneys instead of through the front door?” and “Why are there Santa Clauses on every street corner downtown?” They’re interrogating you to see if you’re the genuine article. My advice is, if you’re going to be Santa Claus, do a little research beforehand. Check out Wikipedia. Work on your background story. Learn a few interesting facts that you can impress tots and tykes with. (For instance, did you know that Santa started appearing in red and white in the mid-to-late 19th century when he appeared in Coca Cola advertisements? Until then, Santa wore all-white, green or other assorted colors.)

8. Bring a towel
I have had many a two-year-old (those who aren’t scared to death of Santa) deposit all kinds of things in my lap. Need I elaborate? There’s nothing worse than a stinky Santa!

9. Have a Mrs. Claus to help you
Make your job a lot easier and bring an assistant. I used to hire a little person to help me, but he kept grabbing soccer moms and I had to let him go. Now my fiancée plays Mrs. Claus and it works out well. She can get the kids’ names and find out what they want before they hit your lap or warn you about a brat before you get kicked in the shin or smacked in the juevos.

10. Go tough love when necessary
A lot of teenagers will try to insult you to make themselves look cool in front of their friends. Maybe some of you did stuff like this when you were that age. I remember kicking Mickey Mouse in the butt at Disneyland one time when I was 11. That’s why they call it adolescent behavior. In these instances, I will lean over and whisper a word of useful advice into the offending party’s ear, something like, “Don’t make Santa go medieval on your ass.” or “I snapped an elf’s neck last week and he was just about your size.” You know, something to get their attention.

Bad Credit? Fear Not!

Bad credit can really limit what you can do in this world. Believe me, I know. I was very irresponsible with my credit when I was in college and it took me almost 15 years to get back to where I am today (740 credit rating). Things can happen that are beyond our control. Financial fortunes can be altered when layoffs occur, people get divorced or have to move. That's why BadCreditOffers.com is so great. It's a Web site that allows you to compare dozens of "bad credit" offers from major providers -- rather than just having one choice, you can pick the one that is best for you. This is a great chance for you shop for bad credit loans to rebuild your credit and get back to where you once belonged!

Digital Camera Batteries

It might be a romantic or "warm and fuzzy" Christmas gift, but it sure is practical. What I am talking about is a digital camera battery. If you own a digital camera (we have 3) than you know that a battery is essential to be able to take pictures when you need or want to, especially when you're out on location somewhere and need one in a pinch. You can spend too much on a digital camera battery, so make sure you shop carefully. Sometimes it's better to give someone an Xmas gift that someone NEEDS rather than WANTS (socks also fall into thay category.)

Yuletide Yuckfest 2007 A Success!

It was the largest crowd ever at a Fest. The comics were outstanding. We raised a ton of toys and money. And Chubby's All-Stars never sounded better. Yes, the Yuletide Yuckfest, in its 10th year, was a huge success! Thanks to everyone for making it a really special event!

The Tainted 11: The Mitchell Report Looms

The Mitchell Report, the findings of former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell's 20-month investigation into performance-enhancing drug use that has tarnished some of the game's greatest stars and records is going to be released to the public next week.
What will it tell us? Whose baseball careers, if any, will be ruined? How will it change the American pastime? And maybe most importantly, what will MLB do in response to the report?
Early leaks tell us that the report will reveal the names of 11 current free agents who took steroids.
Critics of the report are already lining up, denouncing the report as being one-sided and outdated, but one thing is for sure – major league players from across the continent are more than just a little concerned about what the document contains.
"Well, it ain't Merry Christmas or Happy New Year for somebody," Cincinnati Reds manager Dusty Baker said.
One question that a lot of people are asking is -- who is George Mitchell? The 74-year-old former chairman of The Walt Disney Company was once offered a spot on the Supreme Court by President Clinton and famously challenged Lt. Col. Oliver North during the Iran-Contra hearings. He is a political veteran with an impressive pedigree.
But, what’s his agenda? Every politician has one. Will the report be objective? Is this thing going to be honest and candid, or are we looking at another Warren Report?
One thing that may taint Mitchell’s background is the fact that he is also a director with the World Series champion Red Sox, a role players say makes him hopelessly conflicted and a pawn of Commissioner Bud Selig, who appointed him. Players also claim Mitchell refused to show those accused the evidence he had against them, denying them a chance to refute the allegations.
For now, Selig claims not to know what's inside the report. Suffice to say, midway between Boston wrapping up the Fall Classic and the start of spring training, there are plenty of jittery people around the majors.
"Obviously, it can't be really good," New York Mets manager Willie Randolph said. "If there's some really, really big names I'm sure it's going to be a real impact in some ways."
Outfielders Jose Guillen and Jay Gibbons, linked in media reports to receiving human growth hormone, were suspended Thursday for the first 15 days of next season. The penalties are an indication how baseball might treat any players named by Mitchell.
Although some say Bonds' home run record -- and milestone ball -- should be marked with an asterisk, Mitchell noted the Hall of Fame vote in which Mark McGwire was picked on just 23.5 percent of ballots, nowhere near the 75 percent needed for induction.
That election in January was considered the first test on how history will view a period when bulked-up stars amassed bulked-up stats.
"If nothing else, the results of the Hall of Fame voting last week, and the reaction to it, offer fresh evidence that this issue will not just fade away," Mitchell said then. "Whether you think it fair or not, whether you think it justified or not, Major League Baseball has a cloud over its head, and that cloud will not just go away."
To some, the drumbeat of suspicion is falling on deaf ears. A lot of people no longer care about this subject.
"Now when it comes out, more people seem to be numb to it," said former Milwaukee manager Ned Yost: "I don't care one way or the other, to be honest with you."
Hired by Selig in March 2006, Mitchell and his staff spent millions of dollars interviewing people and collecting evidence. Their task: Provide a history of what happened off the diamond during a time when home run marks that had lasted for decades fell as suddenly strong sluggers changed the balance between pitchers and hitters.
Previously undisclosed names could be tied to steroids and HGH, thanks to the cooperation of former New York Mets clubhouse attendant Kirk Radomski. A national investigation led by the Albany, N.Y., district attorney's office also is believed to have provided evidence to Mitchell.
Active players largely have resisted cooperating -- the Yankees' Jason Giambi is the only one known to have spoken to the inquiry. Although this wasn't exactly Sing Along with Mitch, retired players have spoken with Mitchell, who did not have subpoena power.
Selig's decision to launch an official investigation followed the release of "Game of Shadows," in which San Francisco Chronicle reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams said Bonds used performance-enhancing drugs for at least five seasons beginning in 1998.
Bonds, who broke Hank Aaron's career home run record in August, pleaded not guilty Friday to charges he lied to federal investigators about using performance-enhancing drugs.
The home run king was arraigned in U.S. District Court on four counts of perjury and one of obstruction of justice stemming from a Nov. 15 indictment. If convicted, he could spend more than two years in prison.
Bonds, currently a free agent who hopes to play in 2008, has denied knowingly using illegal performance enhancers. He nonetheless became the face of steroid allegations while dozens of other major and minor leaguers tested positive.
"I think we're all eager to get this era behind us and to get steroids out of this game, growth hormone out of the game, get things that change the competitive balance other than hard work and a desire to be the best ballplayer you can be," Los Angeles Angels manager Mike Scioscia said.
To former World Anti-Doping Agency leader Dick Pound, baseball is an outlaw sport, refusing to agree to WADA's standards for testing and discipline.
But athletes in U.S. team sports, protected by collective bargaining agreements and American labor laws, have no interest in international standards.
"I think if you look at attendance, if you look at the health of the game right now, that would suggest that fans have digested what information exists and perhaps assumed that the problem has been addressed, at least for the moment," San Diego Padres chief executive officer Sandy Alderson said.