Wednesday, December 19, 2007
It's His Birthday, for Christ's Sake!
Santa Claus has stolen the limelight from Jesus on his birthday and it's just not cool!
Christmas is all about gift giving, Santa Claus and caroling; overeating and sleeping in; egg nog and mistletoe; wild office parties and designated drivers.
It’s about getting together with relatives you can’t stand and sitting in airports for hours on end; driving around mall parking lots and dealing with screaming brats and teetering seniors.
It’s about putting lights on the house without falling off the roof; killing a perfectly nice evergreen tree and keeping it alive in your living room with sugar water until December 26th, when you dump it on the corner like an unwanted stepchild.
It’s your Aunt Irene’s terrible Jello fruit mold and Grandma Victoria's “Armageddon survivor’s” fruitcake.
My question is -- before we get totally lost in all the hoopla -- what the heck happened to Jesus? I mean, isn’t Christmas supposed to His birthday? How and why did Santa Claus and his entourage push Our Savior to the back pages of the newspaper, across from the Suduko, Word Jumble and obituaries? How on earth did the Big Guy from Heaven fall so fast? And how can He make a comeback? I mean, if John Travolta and Mariah Carey did it, surely Jesus can figure out how to get back on the front page, without killing someone or entering rehab.
There’s no doubt about it -- Jesus needs a complete makeover. My advice to Our Lord is to hire a new, hip publicist and start appealing to the teenagers and 20-somethings of the world. Change water into Red Bull. Get a newer robe with a higher thread count. Put pictures in the Bible. Better yet, make it a pop-up book. Did you know that they have Grecian Formula for beards now? Do some 8-minute abs. Get on myspace or facebook. Write for BrooWaha. Go on Springer or Ellen. Get your own video game.
And Jeez, change your back story. The whole part about the crucifixion needs to be spun a little differently. No one likes to hear about a guy getting strung up on a cross and being left to die. It’s not warm and fuzzy. It’s dark and bloody. It scares kids and grosses people out. Tell folks you got hit by a chariot or abducted by aliens or snatched up by some cult, I don’t know.
I do like the swaddling clothes in the manger part of the story, however. Stick with that and maybe expand on it a little. Everyone’s encountered an overbooked hotel and people will always gravitate toward the “local kid makes good” /”rags to riches” type of thing.
And spruce up the three wise men bearing gifts concept. Alter the story to where they’re the three “baby daddy’s” -- it’s more contemporary. Maybe change their presents to an iPhone, a Nintendo Wii and some Viagra. I mean, who evens knows what frankincense and myrrh are anyway? No one from this century, that’s for sure.
I’m not trying to be sacrilegious here. I believe in God and I’m a big fan of Jesus. I was raised Catholic. I saw “Hair” twice and actually sat through "The Passion” even though I knew the ending. People will be upset over this article, because religion is a very sensitive subject. I know enough to avoid the topic at parties, believe me.
Many of my friends are Jews, Scientologists, Atheists, Buddhists, Amway Sales People, Members of the Raider Nation -- even Ignostics (that’s the religion where you think there’s a higher power but are too ignorant or apathetic to bother figuring out what you believe).
I respect your religion, whatever it is. I have no problem with your God, whoever he or she may be. Just don’t try to convert me or ask me to go to bake sales or buy raffle tickets.
I just feel like The Most Holy One deserves more press than He’s getting, especially on His birthday. If it weren’t for Jesus, we’d be spending the holiday season waiting for "Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve Special" and watching over-hyped college bowl games.
Without Jesus, there would be no Santa. There would be no Christmas tree. There would be no Uncle Jack to fall asleep after dinner and drool all over your parent’s loveseat. There would be no teeth shattering fruit cake. And there would surely be no reason to run up your credit card bill buying useless stuff that will all eventually end up as ancient landfill long after mankind is a painful afterthought.
So, let’s put Christ back in Christmas and put a big “X” over Xmas. Let’s throw Him the 34th birthday bash he never resurrected Himself in time to enjoy. For Christ’s sake – it’s the right thing to do. After all, He did die for our sins. (Question: Does that include the ones we haven’t committed yet?)