Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The 50 Worst Pick-up Lines of All Time

Back before I met my incredible fiancee (known here as Angelina) I must admit I was pretty successful with the ladies. I dated more than my share of models, actresses and cheerleaders (see photo). How did I do it? Well, first off--I avoided these lame pick-up lines.

There are three basic categories within the genre known as the pick-up line. Anyone who has ever tried their hand at this art form knows that certain lines can be more effective than others, depending on the location, atmosphere and attitude of the recipient.

The first type of pick-up line is the direct, no-nonsense approach. Two things can happen with this type of line. If it works, it’s because the person you’re delivering it to respects your truthfulness and sincerity. If it fails, you’re probably being punished for being unoriginal.

The second type of pick-up line is the funny kind. A silly, wacky, cute pick-up line can work if the other party enjoys humor and creativity. A contemporary reference referring to a movie, celebrity, book or TV show illustrates that you’re up on the news and don’t spend all your time in nightclubs and bars. The downside of this type of line is that if the person you’re hitting on doesn’t get the joke or understand the reference, you’re in trouble. Like a standup comic who is bombing, there is little chance of coming back when you’ve initially failed with a pick-up line from this category.

The third group is the witty pick-up line. This is a well-thought out play-on-words that catches the subject by surprise with its thought-provoking nature. This is a good way to go, primarily because it can’t be misconstrued as being offensive or too direct. There’s a very good chance you’ll get an A for effort with the witty line. The only thing that can really go wrong with a line from this category can occur if the person you’re talking to is not too bright and doesn’t understand the line.

Stale, old pickup lines are tortuous, while a well-timed, witty line expertly delivered is magic. The goal of any pick-up line is to get the opportunity to continue the conversation. A failed pick-up line can lead to rejection, chastisement, or in the worst-case scenario, physical abuse. When it comes to a good pick-up line, it’s very similar to a good meal. Presentation is very important to the success of both. Confidence, timing and enthusiasm are all vital components to a winning pick-up line’s delivery. Basically, it’s the opening salvo of a sales pitch. If you can’t get in the door, you can’t make the sale.

Now that I’ve given you my overall theory on pick-up lines, here are the ones that I’ve chosen as the 50 worst. I left off the most horrendous pick-up line ever (What’s Your Sign?), because it’s become so over-used that it’s actually considered retro now and has made an incredible comeback. After countless hours hanging out in singles joints from New York to Honolulu, here are the ones I’ve selected as the 50 worst of all-time:

1. Just call me milk; I'll do your body good.
2. Your body's name must be Visa; because it's everywhere I want to be.
3. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
4. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
5. Want to play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
6. Excuse me; do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.
7. I'm new in town -- can I have directions to your house?
8. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, could I visit you between the holidays?
9. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
10. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
11. I can't find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
12. If you’ll sit on my face I’ll guess your weight.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, because baby you’re the bomb.
14. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
15. I think I’d look good on you.
16. You must be named Jelly, because jam doesn’t shake like that.
17. Was your dad a farmer? Because I’m loving those melons.
18. Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
19. Hi, I’m a necrophiliac. How good are you at playing dead?
20. You must be Jamaican, because you’re Jamaican me crazy?
21. You look like a girl who has heard every line in the book. So, how bad is one more going to hurt?
22. Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams?
23. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
24. Somebody better call God, because He’s missing an angel!
25. Are you busy tonight around 3 AM?
26. Can I borrow a quarter? I want to your mother and thank her.
27. Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes.
28. Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
29. I’m new in town. Can you give me the directions to your apartment?
30. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
31. Was your Dad an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on this planet!
32. Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?
33. Your eyes are blue like the ocean and right now I’m lost at sea.
34. Do you know karate? Because your body is really kicking!
35. If you were a laser, you’d be set on stunning.
36. Excuse me, do you have any raisins? No? Well, can I at least have a date?
37. Do you have a Band Aid? I just scrapped my knee falling for you.
38. Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my ass? Some little kid with wings just shot me.
39. I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”
40. If you don’t want to have kids with me can we at least practice?
41. Were you arrested earlier? It's got to be illegal to look that good.
42. I hope you know CPR, because you just took my breath away.
43. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
44. Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
45. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.
46. If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second.
47. Do you know that your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated?
48. Got two nipples for a dime?
49. One way or another I'm going to make love to you tonight but I'd rather you be there.
50. Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

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