Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Nowak is Whacked!

AOL news reported that former astronaut Lisa Nowak is pursuing an insanity defense on charges that she assaulted and tried to kidnap a romantic rival, according to a document released Tuesday.

Defense attorney Donald Lykkebak wrote that Nowak suffered from major depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, insomnia and "brief psychotic disorder with marked stressors." He also added that she was gassy and had assorted phobias of crossword puzzles, poodles and anything involving Jerry Springer. Lykkebak noted that the already-petite Nowak had recently lost 15 percent of her body weight and was living on a diet of pop rocks and Tang."This notice does not challenge competence to stand trial, but only raises insanity at the time of the offense," he wrote. “In other words, Ms. Nowak is crazy when it suits her, primarily every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and every other Saturday.”

Nowak, 44, was charged with attempted kidnapping, removing a tag from a new mattress, jaywalking in space, breaking wind in a space capsule and blaming a fellow astronaut, battery and burglary with assault, after allegedly driving nearly 1,000 miles from Houston to Orlando to confront Colleen Shipman, the girlfriend of a former space shuttle pilot Nowak had been involved with. She was dismissed from the astronaut corps a month after her arrest.

Nowak is currently working at Chuck E. Cheese and doing testimonial ads for Snuggy diapers. “They have the stay-free gathers that prevents moisture from seeping out, which is a big deal, especially in outer space,” she said.

Nowak said that she hopes her trial will be over soon. “I want to get all of this behind me so that I can move into my new house….on Pluto.”Nowak has pleaded not guilty, and her trial is set for September. She plans on taking the stand during the trial, but will not speak, she claims. “I’ll be doing a series of shadow puppets to tell my story,” Nowak said. “And possibly some mime.”Circuit Court Judge Marc L. Lubet unsealed the notice of intent to rely on the insanity defense on Tuesday. Florida law requires such a notice before trial to let prosecutors prepare.

(Parts of this article are fictitious and provided for entertainment purposes only.)

1 comment:

John Glenn said...

How did this crazy b--ch ever make it into the space program?