This Week's Restaurant Review: Consuelo In San Jose

Mexican food can either be magic or tragic. It’s rarely anywhere in between. Some of the best and worst meals I’ve ever had involved cuisine south of the border. I am not a big fan of the gelatinous combinations of cheese, rice, beans and mystery meat that you’ll find at many Mexican eateries in Northern California. I have eaten Mexican food at the most expensive restaurants in the Bay Area and have had horrible experiences, while I’ve also eaten at remote taco stands that can best be described as shacks in faraway places like Ixtapa and Mazatlan, and encountered some of the most delicious food on the planet there. Good Mexican food can cause me to wax poetic, while the bad kind can make me religious -- causing me to fervently worship the porcelain god to the point where I swear off the stuff forever. Fortunately, the Consuelo Mexican Bistro, located in San Jose’s Santana Row, serves the former. This food is muy, muy bueno, to say the least. Consuleo is a beautiful Mexican restaurant with about 120 seats both inside and outside on their well-appointed patio. They serve authentic Mexican cuisine using lesser known ingredients and they do it to perfection. Everything is served tapas style and meant to be shared. The place is lively and busy pretty much all the time, but that never bothers me. My fiancée hates loud places, but I figure it’s a trade-off situation. If a place is noisy, it usually means that A.) the patrons are chronically hard of hearing or B.) the place serves damn good food. Consuelo has a very high, red-tile ceiling with yellow walls and booths made out of wood and leather. When you walk in, it makes you feel like you’re in a really nice five-star restaurant in Mexico City or Acapulco. The whole atmosphere of the place says “class” – from the iron chandeliers to the beautiful plates and glassware – Consuelo is a feast for both the eyes and palate. The best thing about Consuelo is the tortillas. They make them on the premises and you can tell. They are soft and hot and works of art. The place doesn’t skimp on these little wonders, either – keep asking for them and they’ll keep ‘em coming! We started off with the Guacamole ($7), which they make for you tableside performance style. This incredible concoction consists of avocadoes (duh!) Serrano chiles, onions, tomatoes and a bunch of other amazing fresh ingredients you won’t find in any other guacamole. The Quesadillas ($7) are a flavorful combination of Oaxacan cheese, poblano chiles (semi-hot, so beware, you gringos!), accompanied by a trio of mouth watering salsas (mango, tomatillo and roasted chiles) that yell, “Fresh!” The Ceviche de Pescado ($10) is one of the best I’ve ever tasted, consisting of fresh chunks of white fish, marinated in lime juice mixed with diced tomato, jalapeno chile, onion, green olives, cilantro and olive oil. The soups are also fantastico. Try the Pozole Verde ($9), a chicken and hominy soup served Sinaloa style, with jalapeno chile, tomatillo, spices and topped with radish, avocado and onion or the Sopa de Tortilla ($7). I thought the best tortilla soup was served at a place called Pancho Villa’s in Los Cabos, but this is truly el superior. It’s a robust pasilla and spice puree with tortilla strips, avocado and cheese. For entrees or Especialidades, I recommend the Mole Poblano ($11), one of the legendary dishes at Consuelo. It’s a blend of spices, chiles, nuts and chocolate in a rich and flavorful sauce, served over chicken that is tender and moist. The Chamorro de Cordero ($14) is a Colorado lamb shank marinated in a spice Muscat paste, wrapped in banana leaves and steamed to perfection. Something I have every time is the Carnitas ($13), Michoacan style marinated tender chunks of pork, served with a chile guajillo and arbol salsa. If you want side dishes, you’ll have to order them, because nothing at Consuelo comes with the obligatory rice and beans. They have a wide selection of rice dishes, bean selections and more. Consuelo Mexican Bistro is at 277 Santana Row (right across from the movie theaters) Suite 1125 in San Jose. I would recommend always calling ahead for reservations. Their phone number is: (408) 260-7082. There are a lot of Mexican restaurants in the Bay Area, but Consuelo is head, shoulders and several sombreros above the rest. If I could, I’d eat there every week, which would mean my nickname would change back to Gordito in el minuto!

A Killer Act!

(This killer whale was probably thinking, "Hey, I have to perform every day and this crowd never tips. Let's see what kinds of tricks my handler can do." People forget these are wild animals that have been captured and turned into performing slaves, essentially. I see no difference between this creature and an organ grinder's monkeys. You mess with animals from the wild, you take chances. This trainer is lucky to be alive. Next time they're going to have to feed this killer whale a human beibng to satisfy him -- may I suggest Osama Bin Laden, Kevin Federline or Michael Richards? -- just kidding. You notice that in this article they don't mention the killer whale's name. I guess they don't want other killer whales to do the same thing in order to get cheap publicity.)

SAN ANTONIO, Texas - A performing killer whale attacked a trainer for several minutes Monday at SeaWorld Adventure Park as thousands of stunned park visitors watched.

The victim, Steve Aibel, walked away from the incident uninjured, according to WOAI-TV.
Justin Lecourias, a member of the audience who witnessed the event, said there was clearly something wrong in the lead-up to the attack.

He said the whale kept trying to bat the trainer under the water before apparently trying to take a bite out of him.

Trainers were eventually able to calm the whale, and the show was halted. Officials canceled “The Shamu Adventure,” shows for the rest of the day.

The trainer has said he intends to go back in the pool with the whale when the shows resume.
Veterinarians believe the whale is near breeding age and felt threatened by the trainer, perhaps a result of the effects of adolescent hormones.

The NFL: Wannabes, Pretenders & Coulda Beens

The NFL seemingly has a few contenders this year, but upon closer scrutiny, almost every one of them falls squarely into the pretender category. I am having trouble thinking of one playoff-bound team that doesn’t have any glaring deficiencies. Last weekend, the Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers, New York Giants, Chicago Bears and Jacksonville Jaguars all dropped games. These are teams that I thought would be improving and playing better as the season progressed, when, in fact, they are falling faster than Kevin Federline’s street cred. The San Diego Chargers got a gift call late in their game last Sunday against a weak Oakland team to win by a touchdown, while the Steelers and Eagles are officially dead. Of the upper tier teams, all have holes in their presentations that you could drive a fleet of Hummers through. The Colts can’t stop the run; the Bears offense looks like a frat flag football team; the Cowboys are playing well, but they lack depth and their QB has about three weeks of starting experience; the Seahawks’ defense is softer than any one of Coach Holmgren’s six double chins; the Chargers are wafer thin in their defensive secondary, and the Ravens offense is about as impressive as Michael Richards’ standup comedy act. All in all, there isn’t anyone who looks like they are going to be able to dash through the postseason and waltz into the Super Bowl. During years like this, usually a wild card entry comes along and messes things up for the division winners. Fortunes will change drastically within the next few weeks, but if they don’t, it’ll be another Shootout at the NFL Corral when the playoffs get rolling in January. I’m so happy I quit betting on games, because the bookies are going to clean up big-time!

I Hate Wimpy Coaches!

Why do some NFL coaches play it so conservatively? Why does it seem like these guys are playing not to lose badly as opposed to being in it to win it? What’s the difference between losing by 20 points or losing by a single point? Both still end up in the “L” column. I saw two calls yesterday that I thought were so weak. If you don’t show any confidence in your team, than who will? In both cases, teams had a chance to either tie games or put them away late in the game and instead opted for easy field goals. The first one happened in the Rams-49ers game. The Niners were leading 14-13 with 3:54 left and were looking at a 4th and 1 deep in Ram’s territory. A touchdown in this situation would have put them ahead by 8. You could have even gone for the 2-point conversion after scoring the TD in that situation to take a 9-point lead and put the game completely out of reach. Instead of going for it, 49er coach Mike Nolan decided to let Joe Nedney kick a 24-yard field goal, which gave Ram QB Mark Bulger more than enough time to take his offense all the way down the field for the winning touchdown. The 49ers were running through the Ram’s defense with ease all game long, and then at the very end Nolan loses his juevos and it costs him the game. Pathetic. The other instance of a coach wimping out occurred in the Bears-Patriots game. With the score at 17-10 with 3:36 left, the Bears had a 4th and 6 at New England’s 14-yard line. Instead of going for the touchdown, Bear’s coach Lovie Smith decides to let Robbie Gould kick a 32-yard field goal. What the hell good is that? You need a touchdown to tie, not a field goal. What Lovie Smith was telling his offense (and more specifically his QB Rex Grossman) was that he had a lot more confidence in his defense than he did in his offense. What a great way to build team morale! What a joke! What ended up happening is that by the time Chicago got the ball back, it was a desperate situation, and Grossman threw another interception. The man’s confidence, if he had any, was broken and I don’t blame him. Lovie Smith showed no guts and deserved to lose. I hate it when coaches play that conservative game. Get out there are roll the dice and go for the decisive win rather than try to avoid looking bad. You’re paid to win, and sometimes that means taking chances!

My Mensch of the Month: Kathy Griffin

(I know I've been doing a "Douche Bag of the Month" column, so now, to be fair, I am going to recognize people who do good things or are talented in their own right. I am calling it "My Mensch of the Month.")

I hate to say it, but there aren't many female comics that I like out there. Gretchen Rootes, Carla Clayy are a couple of local SF ones that I think are funny. Ellen DeGeneres is okay and I love Margaret Cho. But, overall, I find female comics to be pretty predictable and not cutting edge enough. Very few of them take chances. I'm tired of hearing jokes about women's periods, hairstyles and shopping, because, frankly -- I can't relate. But, one female comic who totally stands out is Kathy Griffin. She's the best! Maybe you've seen her when she was on NBC's "Suddenly Susan," as Vickie Groener, Brooke Shields' annoying and acerbic colleague. She also did a lot of guest starring roles on "Seinfeld" and "ER."

She has a bunch of HBO specials and recently did a very funny reality show called "My Life on the D-List" on Bravo. What I like about her stand-up act is that she makes fun of and blasts celebrities, who, in my opinion, deserve it. And she doesn't do jokes, she tells stories. Very funny, extremely irreverent stories. She bascially doesn't care if you like what she says or not. I really have a lot of respect for her in that regard. She's also a HUGE supporter of Toys for Tots, she does a TON of charity work and she went to Iraq to perform for the troops (see photo). How many comics did you hear about doing that? Hats off to Kathy Griffin! She's My Mensch of the Month!

The British Grocery in SF: It's Brilliant, By Jove!

There is a wonderful store in San Francisco's Portero District that sells British food and other items from England. Established by Evelyn Alexander in 1969, the British Grocery offers everything British -- from frozen food to pharmaceuticals to chinaware, serving items, imports and collectibles. Patrick Alexander and his daughter Simone run the place, and are both very helpful and informed on everything English. The busiest time of year for the British Grocery is Christmas, when Brits in the Bay Area and throughout North America yearn for all the great traditional items -- like Christmas puddings, mince pies, boxed chocolates, English tins and toffees, teas, Devon cream, and gift pack assortments. As they like to say in Britain, "This place is brilliant!" There are a lot of people from Britain in the Bay Area (someone told me 70,000, but don't quote me) and the British Grocery offers them all the things they know and love from the Mother Country. Although I am not British myself (1/2 Italian and 1/2 Irish) I truly appreciate a lot of the culture's food and drink, especially the chocolates, which I'm not supposed to eat. One of my favorite traditions at Christmas revolves around the British cracker, which is 160-years-old and more popular than ever. Crackers are little tubes, festively wrapped, that pop when you pull the string that's attached. Inside you'll find Xmas decorations, jokes, little trinkets and all kinds of special items. They are just so frivolously fun that I never tire of them! Christmas puddings are also a lot of fun -- they aren't like the puddings we eat in this country -- they're more like cakes than puddings, really. They have one that's actually called "Spotted Dick" -- I'm not lying. But, they sure are delicious, especially with some Devon cream, which is thick, clotted cream that is marvelous atop anything sweet. The British Grocery is located at 726 15th Street off of Portrero Avenue. They're open Tuesday through Saturday, 10 am to 5:30 pm. Their phone number is: (415) 552-4399. They can ship you anything they sell anywhere in the world. To find out more about the British Grocery, visit their web site at: http://www.britshoppe.com/. Cheers!

Is Tomlinson the Best Running Back in NFL History?

LaDainian Tomlinson is sure making a case for being the elite running back of all time in the NFL. By scoring 100 touchdowns faster than anyone else, quicker than both Emmitt Smith and Jim Brown, he’s rapidly making an L.D. believer out of me.

He’s also rushed for at least 1,000 yards in every one of his six seasons in the league. Only Barry Sanders, Eric Dickerson, Curtis Martin and Corey Dillon can say that.

And the best thing about him is that he’s the “Anti-T.O.” – a self-effacing team player who is more concerned about winning than whining. People have described him as “dedicated,” “concerned”, “sincere,” “focused,” and “genuine.”

Chargers Coach Marty Shottenheimer has seen a lot of running backs in his day, and he says that there’s no doubt L.D. is the very best. I say the jury is still out on the subject – but not for very long. If Tomlinson can put together another 1-2 seasons at this level – the debate will be over, as far as I’m concerned.

I always thought Barry Sanders could have been the very best if he had stayed around a few more seasons, but the point will be moot in the very near future if L.D. keeps playing at this level. If he isn’t the MVP this year, I’ll eat Paris Hilton’s thong (with A-1, fava beans and a nice Chianti) on national television during halftime of the Super Bowl. That should get better ratings than Justin Timberlake disrobing Janet Jackson any day.

The Big Question in College Football: Ohio State vs. Who?

(First off, I'd like to take a Turkey Day opportunity to thank everyone who has been reading his blog. When I first started it, I was getting an average of 20 hits per day. Now I'm getting more than 150 per day. Thanks for reading and I hope to keep entertaining you throughout the holidays!)

Who should Ohio State play in the BCS Championship?

In early January, when the undefeated Buckeyes of Ohio State go for the BCS title, who should be their opponent? Michigan? USC? Notre Dame? Arkansas? Florida? How about Wisconsin? And don’t forget the only other undefeated team in NCAA D-1 Football – Mighty Boise State! It’s the $60 million question, because that’s how much it can mean to a college football program and the university as a whole. The people who are saying Michigan should be there at the end must be smoking a volatile mixture of crack, Froot Loops and Wolverine feces. There is NO WAY that the BCS should be a rematch of the game we saw last Saturday. The bottom line is: If you don’t win your conference, you don’t deserve to be in the final. Michigan got the benefit of 3 gift fumbles in that game, but they couldn’t capitalize. They had their shot at the big one and they blew it. So, the question is: Who should go? If USC wins its last two games convincingly, I say they should get the shot. Notre Dame shouldn’t be mentioned at all, even if they beat the Trojans, because Michigan stomped them and their schedule is easier than North Dakota State’s. Instead of the Fighting Irish, they should be re-named the Bitch-Slapping Irish for their weak and inconsistent play this year. Whichever team comes out on top between Florida and Arkansas should also be entitled some consideration. But, to say that Michigan should be in it is a disgrace. There’s a secret hidden chipset in the BCS computer that quantifies wealthy and influential alumni. And that is the ONLY reason anyone is talking about the Wolverines and the BCS Championship game in the same breath right now.
To read all of my sports opinion pieces, you can visit: www.fantasymoneyball.com.

Viv Savage: Musical Legend & Genius!

(Viv Savage, the former keyboard player for the legendary heavy metal band Spinal Tap will be performing with Chubby's All-Stars on December 3rd at the Yuletide Yuckfest at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale. It should be a wonderful evening of music, comedy and fun, with all the proceeds going to Toys 4 Tots. Here is a recent interview with Viv:)

Hello, is this Viv Savage?Yes, this is Viv.
So you are alive, then? The guys in Spinal Tap claim that Viv is actually dead.No, no, I'm alive and extremely well. I'm taking a sort of Tap sabbatical. I had a great gig with the Guttersluts recently at the Cactus Club in San Jose, where my friends started a Save Viv movement. We've got 150 signatures so far, and I'm Xeroxing some more sheets — we're hoping this could turn into quite a pesky little monster.
They say you're actually an impostor, making a lot of money as The Viv Savage Experience.Well, that story would be convenient for them, but reality speaks its own language.
Have you got a new band?Yes, I'm doing occasional gigs with the Guttersluts, and I'll probably be producing their next record. I'm also involved with the Model Citizenz, who play some excellent originals and some covers. We've been playing around the East Bay, polishing our chops, so look for us to be getting together something soon. Also, I've been a producer at S.F. Beat Studios, with Michael Ingram. Have you ever met Michael Ingram?
I don't know who he is. If you met him you'd remember him the rest of your life. He's a fantastic person. He's been my songwriting partner since the early Seventies, and—
Have you guys written any songs I might have heard?Not really, but we have a lot of songs out on demos that are making the rounds. There's a female rapper with a single of ours at three L.A. record companies right now.
Does Spinal Tap know about the Save Viv movement? I don't know. It's possible — I did a public service announcement for H.E.A.R., and we called Spinal Tap's management to get approval. But there seems to be some legal problem.
Any hard feelings towards Tap? No, no hard feelings at all. I had such a great time with them, I'm just hoping they might consider me coming back. I'll keep plugging away, barnstorming with my various musical projects.
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This Week's Restaurant Review: Hawg's in Campbell

I’ve been to Hawg’s in Campbell over 300 times, and I must tell you I have never had a bad or even a so-so meal there. Nor have I seen anyone ever send anything back to the kitchen or really ever complain about the food or the service. I’m sure it’s happened, because some people are never happy. I was at a restaurant the other night, and I overheard some woman bitching to the waiter. She said, “I expected this dish to taste one way, but it doesn’t taste like I expected.” Oh so, the restaurant has to take it back because you had unrealistic expectations? That’s so ridiculous. That’s like someone saying, “I ordered meat loaf but I was expecting it to taste like filet mignon.” Or “ I ordered crab and wanted it to taste like lobster.” Give me a break! That’s why I would never want to own a restaurant. People can be so difficult when they eat out. Their attitude is “serve me like the royalty I wish I was.” They get a sense of power by treating waiters and restaurant personnel like crap because their own lives are so mundane and meaningless. Hawg’s has consistently fresh, well-prepared seafood and other dishes that are always delicious. The place has the ambiance of a real marina cafe. A bar with high wooden stools encircles an open kitchen of gleaming stainless steel. Miniature bottles of red Tabasco sauce highlight the white counter. The high ceiling, smartly emphasized by spotlights and potted plants, makes the place look bigger than its 10-table capacity. The menu is vast and eclectic, featuring something sure to tempt every palate, but if you’re in the mood for a steak, you’re in the wrong spot. Hawg’s Seafood Bar is all about stuff from the sea, and they serve up generous portions of outstanding continental seafood dishes. From appetizers to desserts, you can't go wrong with anything from the Hawg’s menu. First, the appetizers are in a class by themselves. I have a few particular favorites, including the Seafood Quesadilla ($9.95), a wonderful combination of shrimp and crab with melted cheeses nestled in a corn tortilla. I also covet the Cheesy Garlic Bread ($4.95), which is so caloric and decadent that you can literally feel your ass getting bigger while you’re eating it, but who cares? The Sashimi Ahi ($12.95), the Hawg's Calamari ($9.95) and the Baked Oysters Asiago ($12.95) are all incredible. Sometimes when I go to Hawg’s with a group of friends, we just order appetizers and don’t even get to the entrees. They’re all that good! One thing I have to mention is Hawg’s “Newhattan” Clam Chowder ($3.95/cup or $5.95/bowl). I have had a lot of different clam chowders in my day, but this chowder is by far the best that has ever crossed my palate. They call it “Newhattan” because it’s a combination of both geographic chowders. It has a cream base with a hint of tomato; chock full of big juicy clams, carrots and small bits of potato. They also put some spices in there, and even though I’ve tried to figure out what they are – the boys at Hawg’s (Steve and David or Scott ) aren’t giving up the secret. The entrees at Hawg’s are incredible as well. I recommend the Paella Valenciana ($16.95) with roasted chicken, rock shrimp, sausage, clams, mussels, and fresh fish over saffron rice. The Fresh Grilled Salmon ($17.95) served with a creamy potato-corn sauté and yellow pear tomato and wasabi sauce, and the Cajun Pasta ($17.95) with sautéed prawns and scallops, and fresh tomatoes in a creamy Cajun sauce over linguine is also a treat. I would also suggest that any time you go to Hawg’s that you ask about the daily specials. The chefs there (Roberto in particular – ask him about his awesome Chorizo dish!) really do most of their most inventive work with the specials. Hawg’s in Campbell (and with a second location in Downtown San Jose) is a special seafood paradise with great food and really personal service. I love this place. I’ve recommended it to over 100 people over the years, and ALL of them are now regulars there. That has to tell you something!! Hawg’s in Campbell is located at the corner of Campbell Avenue and San Tomas Aquino Road in the Kirkwood Shopping Center. For large parties, you’ll need to make reservations, so call them at: (408) 379-9555.