The Secret is Out: "The Girls Next Door" is NOT a True Reality Show

Angelina and I are hooked on reality TV. It makes sense -- I've always liked non-fiction more than fiction. It just seems like real life is so much more interesting than anything the human mind can conjure up. We like "Kathy Griffin -- My Life on the "D" List", "King of Cars", "Growing Up Gotti" and "The Real World", just to name a few. That's why I get upset when I see reality TV that isn't real. Several of the shows in this genre are frauds, because the stories are contrived and manipulated. There isn't any reality in many of these so-called reality shows. "The Girls Next Door", the story surrounding Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner's relationship with his three "girlfriends" -- Holly, Bridget and Kendra -- is a prime example of phony reality television. Hefner must have final say about anything that goes into the finished product, because this debacle is essentially a series of public relations videos for Hef. We see the girls hanging out with celebrities and assorted hangers-on at the mansion, running around in lingerie and skimpy oufits, doing photo shoots, going to parties and pretty much fawning over this rickety old man. You just know they're leaving out all the really good stuff. You mean to tell me that there aren't any catfights amongst three girlfriends? No animosity or jealousy? Does he actually sleep with these girls? (You don't have to show us, Hef -- just wink if you are!) And surely these beautiful young women have considered cheating on this old dood at least more than once. I hate unreal reality TV. This show smells, and it's not the girls' bath gel I'm referring to. "The Girls Next Door" is a bad home movie for Hugh Hefner. He should be watching it in his pajamas in the mansion's movie room for his and his friends' enjoyment only. The public should be spared this kind of drivel.

We Won the Big Race of Life....But What Did We Really Win?

I was thinking the other day. I was probably thinking too much. I was pondering heavy-duty stuff, like the universe, and God, and alien life, and fate. And, I thought to myself—if I had something to say to the world…if I could take everything, package it into one statement, and come up with something I as well as everyone else could understand, I think it would be this:

If, in the end we are judged, I hope the one judging us realizes life is basically a bitch. I mean, let’s be fair here – none of us asked to be human beings residing on this planet. It just so happens our sperm cell was a little bit more assertive than the rest in our batch. When you think about it, only the winners get a shot at this gig anyway. It was like a 10K for sperm cells, and we won.

Do you ever speculate on how close the race to the ovum was? Were you out front right from the gate, like Secretariat in the Preakness, a victory of over 34 lengths? Or was it just the opposite—you dawdled in last place until just before the final turn, drafting behind the leaders and then winning by a nose in the race for fertilization?

These are the kinds of things I think about all the time. Does that mean: (A.) I’m super introspective? Or (B.) I need counseling really bad?

The Chinese Gov't is on my s---t list

I cried like hell when I read this:

SHANGHAI, China (Aug. 4) - For the second time in days, Chinese authorities have ordered a mass slaughter of dogs to curb a rabies outbreak - drawing criticism from animal lovers but also support from many who say it's the only way to contain a disease that kills more than 2,000 Chinese people a year.

Animal rights groups are upset and I don't blame them. As you can tell if you've read my blog at all, I am a total animal lover and a dog person in particular. This epidemic is another example of a third-world country not using proper sanitation or having basic minimum health standards and paying the price. How many people die each year in this country from rabies? Surely not 2,000!

The measure came in response to the deaths of 16 people from rabies in Jining in the last eight months, Xinhua said. It didn't say when the slaughter would begin or how the animals would be killed. It said the city had about 500,000 dogs.

All I can think of is all the little kids in China who loved their dogs and had to see them slaughtered before their very eyes. These children will be traumatized for life. And all because people don't use common sense.

Rabies cases are on the rise in China, with 2,651 reported deaths from the disease in 2004, the last year for which data was available. Only 3 percent of the country's dogs are vaccinated against rabies.

Only 3 percent get vaccinated? Well, of course you're going to have a rabies epidemic if only 3 percent of all the dogs in China get vaccinated! The logical solution is to require people to vaccinate their dogs. It seems pretty simple to me. It's a shame that the dogs themselves have to suffer. China is creating some viciously bad karma by killing all these dogs.

This is just another example of how humans are ruining this planet. In order to survive, I believe we have to get along with every other living creature sharing this place with us. We're connected!

But, because we're the dominant species, we feel like we can do whatever we want and let the cards fall where they may. All over the world every day species become extinct because we destroy them with pollution, indifference, greed and ignorance. I give our existence on earth about 500 more years, and I think I may be conservative in that estimate. I wouldn't be surprised if we never see the year 2300, to be honest. It may sound selfish, but I'm glad I won't be around to see it, because it will not be pretty!

I can see countries like China slaughtering masses of people in the near future when the plagues hit, which they surely will because we're on an irreversible road to destruction and disease and famine will be part of the scenario, no doubt!

As my way of protesting, I refuse to eat any Chinese food for a whole month. I will not play Chinese checkers and I will not go to Chinatown to get ripped off like all the tourists who visit this city. I'm making a joke, because the alternative is tears -- but it's not funny!! If they can't regulate the health of their pets, then people should not own them. Having a dog is a responsibility and if you can't afford to get your canine vaccinated, then don't get one!

China can kiss me directly where the sun never shines. Tonight I'm praying for all the mutts who were exterminated this week -- sad but content in knowing that all dogs go to heaven! I wish I could say the same for people.

Mojo's: The #1 Burger & A Whole Lot 'Mo!!

From now on, I am going to do a "Best Of" series of articles about my favorite things. The first one will be about hamburgers. Here are my top 5 hamburgers, starting with #5 and moving up:

5.) Original Joe's in San Jose -- it's large, served on crispy french bread and made with really good chopped sirloin. The downside is that it's expensive.
4.) Juicy Burger throughout the Bay Area -- a very tasty burger and reasonably priced. The downside is that the bun is not spectacular.
3.) Tommy's in Southern California -- an "old school" hamburger with real charm and outstanding flavor. Downside is that they can be greasy sometimes.
2.) In 'N Out Burger -- a close #2, this burger, whether you go with it straight or "animal style" (that's where they cook everything, including the toppings) is fantastic. Downside: no variety for those who want something other than cheeseburger, cheeseburger, Pepsi, Pepsi. (An aside: The fries at In 'N Out are terrible, in my opinion.)
1.) (Drum roll, please) Mojo Burger in San Jose -- the best by far in flavor, texture and quality. Downside: They're not cheap, but hey -- you get what you pay for!

Here's a story I wrote awhile back about Mojo's:

Some say it’s the incredible smell of charbroiling meat that attracts them. Others claim it’s the big smiles they get from the staff. Other folks cite things like the fresh-cut french fries or wonderfully golden onion rings. And some say it’s something they can’t quite put their finger on.
There is one factor, however, that every Mojo customer seems to agree on – that there is nothing else on this planet like a Mojo burger. For flavor, taste, texture and freshness, these people of differing ages, races and backgrounds all covet the unmatched experience of eating the finest hamburger you’ll find anywhere. No matter whom you are or where you’re from – be you carnivore or vegetarian – you’ll always remember your first time at Mojo – and that’s why you’ll be coming back again and again.

In the July 23 issue of the San Jose Mercury News, Mojo’s was described in the “Quick Bites” section of the newspaper as a place for “Good eats at good prices.” (They were also recently named among the top-rated hamburgers in the Bay Area by Citysearch.com.)

Mojo is the brainchild of Peter Favre. Born and raised on the North Shore of Kauai, Hawaii, Peter grew up in and around the tourist industry. After a stint as a tour boat guide and after considering a career as a professional surfer, Favre ventured to northern California to seek fame and fortune.

After completing the management program at McDonald’s Hamburger University in Oak Brook, Illinois, Peter was on the fast track with the company. His primary talent was going into McDonald’s locations as a manager, primarily in the South Bay, to help improve business. He was an instant success with the fast food giant, as he was able to come into any location and improve their volume almost immediately.

How did he do it? By giving people the finest, most attentive and professional service they had ever experienced. And, boy, did it work. Soon Peter was opening new McDonald’s and saving existing ones with his endearing personality and incredible work ethic.

One of the great things about the 12 years Peter worked for McDonald’s was that during that time he met his wife, Carole. She was working at one of the stores he managed, and the two hit if off instantly when they met in 1988. In 1992 they were married. Carole is Mrs. Mojo, and has been an integral part of the restaurant’s success from day one, by offering everything she has toward making Mojo a success. Carole is a local San Jose girl who graduated from Santa Teresa High School in 1987.

During the entire time that he was working for the Golden Arches, Peter Favre was thinking. Soon, Peter began dreaming about starting a company of his own, one where he could use many of the McDonald’s philosophies and improve upon them.

After looking at several possible food-related business ventures, Carole and Peter decided to take the hamburger to the next level. They knew that people were tired of 99 cent, microwaved burgers and wanted something that was high-quality and great tasting.

Peter went on a road trip throughout California, to taste other hamburgers and see what other “fast fresh” food businesses were doing. He met owners, looked at layouts, visited kitchens and talked with employees as well as customers, to find out exactly what they wanted in a hamburger. He also met with a wide variety of food vendors at food shows.

Carole and Peter knew that the decision of what type of meat to serve was key.
So, they met with three meat companies and interviewed each thoroughly. They did a blind taste test with their friends, and the meat they selected to put in every Mojo burger was an easy one. Everyone who tasted Meyer Natural Angus beef from Montana agreed that it was by far the very best.

Meyer Natural Angus beef uses no antibiotics, preservatives or added hormones. It is more expensive to raise and feed these cattle, and the end result shows it. This beef is more tender and doesn’t retain water. You also won’t feel all filled up after eating it, because it’s grass-fed beef that’s super lean without sacrificing flavor.

Everything Mojo uses is the finest – from the fresh cut french fries all the way to the buns surrounding your burger.

The french fry mantra at Mojo is: “Potato in the morning, french fry in the afternoon.”
Most places serve fries that have been frozen. For how long? Who knows, but studies show that some fries may sit for as many as 18 months before they reach the fryer. Freezing things changes the composition of potatoes, which means it alters their taste, and that’s why Mojo fries are never frozen.

Mojo is also very picky about its buns, too. Carole and Peter went through four different bakeries before selecting their current vendor, Orowheat, who makes them a bun with just the right texture and taste.

The hot dogs and chicken are also top notch. Mojo uses Big Reds, a Chicago-style hot dog that’s 100% beef and additive-free.

Happy Dan chicken from Martinelli Farms is the poultry Mojo uses for its sandwiches and sand dollars. It’s also an all-natural product from chickens that are treated humanely in large, temperature controlled buildings. They’re raised in a healthy environment, so it just makes sense that they taste better.

Many people comment about the unique décor at Mojo. They like the airy, Hawaiian feel, the flat screen TV’s, (one for the adults and another for the children at kid’s eye level); the open kitchen and the art on the walls. It all adds to up to being a place that makes customers feel laid back and relaxed. It’s like going to the Islands without ever leaving San Jose.

One of the best things about Mojo is the people that work there. Employees at Mojo are like immediate family. “We want them to succeed. We teach them to think.” Peter said. “We don’t just hire them. We really get to know them. We meet their families and friends and they become part of the Mojo team. My hope is that one day many of them will run new Mojo locations as they open.”

The Mojo training method for superior customer service is unique.

“When a customer comes in, I train my employees to act like that customer is their mother-in-law that they’re meeting for the first time.” Peter explained. Everything – the presentation, the cleanliness, the attention to detail – had better be perfect if you ever want to impress the toughest critic of all – that ‘ol mother-in-law.”

And because of this great combination of service and product, Mojo customer return rate is unprecedented. “We have a very high customer return ratio, between 70-80%, which means we get a minimum of 7 out of 10 people to come back. How do we do this? With systems that produce consistently high-quality, great tasting food in a nice environment for a good value.”

What does the future hold for Mojo?
“We want to continue validating the idea that people today are becoming more aware of what’s in their food. To build upon the fresh product, cooked to order concept.” Peter said. “And to open more Mojo restaurants, initially in the Bay Area. We want to continue spreading the ‘Mojo Burger Experience’; building brand loyalty through consistent, superior quality and value for all our customers.”

If you want to find out more about Mojo Burger, visit their web site at: www.mojoburger.com.
The address for Mojo Burger is 6041 Snell Avenue, San Jose, CA 95123 (408) 281-1345. When you go in there ask to meet Peter -- he is like the local God of hamburgers. And tell him "Big Ed" sent you!)

What the hell, Mel!!

Mel Gibson is in trouble. He said a bunch of anti-semitic stuff when he got pulled over for a DUI in Southern California recently. Why do people blame the Jews for everything? Did the Jews force you to drink, Mel? Did the Jews hypnotize you and make you drive that night? Did the Jews coerce you into being an alcoholic? Were the Jews behind "Mad Max, Under the Thunder Dome"? Why is it that whenever some people screw up their lives, they blame the Jews? You're a drunk Mel, and that has nothing to do with Jewish people, the Jewish religion and/or Israel. Personally, I'm not Jewish, but I am so, so tired of everyone capping on them.
Get into rehab, Mel. When you sober up, maybe you'll realize that the biggest enemy you have isn't Jewish -- it's you!

Will There be a 7th Inning Scoot?

Is there anything better in this world than dogs and baseball? If there is, I’m having a hard time thinking of it. Every year, both the A’s and Giants have what they call their "Dog Days of Summer". The Giants have been doing it for ten years now. People from all over the bay area converge at the ballpark for a great day or evening with their personal pooches by their sides. I took Ratdog last year, but we had to leave the game early when the home plate umpire made a series of bad calls and Ratty started barking at him. Pretty soon all of the dogs in our section began barking, and we were politely asked to leave. Even a little deaf dog like Rat knows the difference between balls and strikes. Here are the details on the 2 events:

This Saturday night (Aug. 5) the SF Giants are hosting their Dog Days of Summer event during the game against the Colorado Rockies. Seats are limited, and you need to register in advance. You have to register by mail only, so if you want to go, you need to get on it today. Special bleacher seat tickets are $48 for fans with a dog (wow-expensive date) and $24 for their dog-less friends. Cats are not invited. $1 from every Dog Days ticket goes to the San Francisco SCPA. Each mutt gets a special souvenir – a personalized vial of steroids autographed by Barry Bonds -- and there’s a doggy parade around the field and a canine costume contest. It’s a great opportunity for your pet to experience major league baseball and growl at the opposition. There’s also a special patch in right field where your dog can do his business (just kidding!) To get the registration form, you need to call (415) 972-2356. Ask for Lassie.

On August 15, the A’s welcome dogs to their night game against the Seattle Mariners. You must submit your applications by August 11th. (“My dog is a Virgo; he likes Barry Zito but is still upset that the team traded Tim Hudson.") Only the first 500 mutts will be accepted. Each dog in attendance gets an A’s bandana, a copy of the book “Money Ball”, and his or her very own personal agent. There’s an all-you-can-eat kibble buffet, a fur ball coughing distance contest, Dalmatian dot races and a leg lifting competition. The winning dog gets to be in the manager’s doghouse for a week. (But, only if Esteban Loaiza or Milton Bradley isn’t already in it.) Tickets are $15 for fans with dogs with $5 of it going to an organization called Dogs4Diabetics, Inc. You can apply for tickets to this event at: https://secure.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/oak/ticketing/dogday_form.jsp.

"Benchwarmers": Don't Waste Your Time Even Reading This Review!

In 500 years, whomever is still around will see this film and they'll fully understand why our civilization is no longer on the planet. "Benchwarmers" is one of the most inane movies I have probably ever seen. If every single copy of this debacle is destroyed it would be a favor to mankind. I could spend some time telling you what it's about, but I've already wasted almost 2 hours of my life watching it and frankly I'm numb. This mini-review is my way of saying thanks for reading my blog. Hopefully I can spare you the pain of sitting through this fiasco. I can usually stomach movies like this if they have a few good scenes in them, but this piece of human excrement isn't even worth talking about. Rob Schneider is a funny actor. I actually did standup comedy with him back in the late 1980's. He's done some funny stuff and he was great on SNL. David Spade is also fun to watch. Jon Heder was excellent in "Napoleon Dynamite", but the poor kid will always be typecast as a dumb misfit after that film, which is a shame. Put them together with a halfway decent storyline about little league baseball and unfulfilled dreams and you could have had a decent film. "Benchwarmers" doesn't even come close. It's a rancid stew of titty twisters, boogers, farts, and spit jokes, complete with racist humor and heartless gags about midgets and nerds. Adam Sandler produced this one and although I've enjoyed a couple of his movies in the past ("Happy Gilmore", "The Waterboy", and "Anger Management")the fact that this thing was ever made in the first place shows the general state of Hollywood today. Some people have referred to Sandler as a modern-day Jerry Lewis, which is like saying Nicole Ritchie is a modern-day Katherine Hepburn. Movie producers don't give a damn about quality anymore, they only care about making money. And if this thing makes a penny (which it already obviously has, because I rented the DVD for around three bucks!) it just shows that people are willing to tolerate drivel like this, which is sad. I feel like a total idiot for watching "Benchwarmers" -- please heed this warning and don't make the same mistake!
To find out what piece of garbage Adam Sandler will be serving up to the American public next, visit his own personal web site at: www.adamsandler.com.

The Vivacious Victorians of San Francisco

One of the things I love about living in Lower Pacific Heights (I used to call the area “The Lower Pac”, but my fiancée says that’s like calling SF “Frisco” or Las Vegas “Vegas” – it’s cliché and hackneyed and sounds like I’m not from here, which I’m really not) is the Victorian houses. I love these old dwellings for their history and their beauty.

Like wise old men and women wallowing in the fog and basking in the sun, the Victorian mansions and homes of San Francisco are more like people than structures. Every time I wander through Pacific Heights, the famous Cow Hollow commercial district, the Western Addition, the Outer Mission or the Haight, I marvel at these architectural masterpieces. If these buildings could only talk, I always think to myself. What would they say? I’m sure it would be things like, “Look at my decorative features”, or “Why do tourists keep taking my picture?” “Please wash my windows” or “Man, am I expensive!”

Victorian architecture, known for its huge embellishments and overall complexity, initially became popular during the reign of Queen Victoria in England. Most of the Victorian houses in this country were constructed between the mid-1800’s until about 1915.

Every country and culture eventually got into the Victorian picture in San Francisco. The Italians brought their flamboyant architectural flourishes; the French used many of the elements we see in their majestic palaces; the Turkish offered their towers and the Russians brought the vodka.

Victorian homes and mansions are called “painted ladies”, because many of them are painted in multi-colors and feature incredible decorative embellishments. The most famous of these are the “painted ladies” of Alamo Square on Steiner Street. This row of ultra-famous Victorians is also referred to as “Postcard Row”. They have been used in numerous movies and TV shows throughout the years and attract thousands of tourists to their doorsteps.

Most Victorian homes and mansions were originally painted in earth tones, until after the Civil War when people began to paint their Victorians in as many as 4-5 different colors. For the most colorful or these, visit the ones along California Street.

The styles of Victorian houses can be put into several categories. The most prevalent are called the Italianate Victorians (A good example being the Sherman House in Pacific Heights); Gothic Revival (Ex.: The Westerfield House of Alamo Square, also known as the “Russian Embassy” – and home to one of the very first hippie communes in 1968); Queen Annes (characterized by steep roofs, shingled insets and slanted bay windows); the Stick/Eastlake style (Ex.: the Charles Dietle House at the corner of Page and Laguna); and the Second Empire Victorians (Built primarily between 1855 and 1885 and distinguished by their mansard roofs and multiple balconies).

San Francisco’s Victorians are like glimmering jewels set against the hillsides of this beautiful and amazing city. If you would like to go on a tour of these architectural gems, visit these web sites: www.victorianwalk.com; www.sfcityguides.com or www.sfheart.com.

It's a Do-Nothing Day!

Today I am doing absolutely nothing. I am going to lay in bed and try to forget the world. I rented three movies and I am going to watch them all today. I think it's healthy to unwind and just lay low once in awhile, to recharge your system and get back into the groove. And that's exactly what I'm doing today. No-thing. Zilch. Nada. And proud of it!

People Can Be Real Boobs!

People all over the country are in an uproar over this magazine cover for Babytalk magazine. And my first question is why?

Here's an excerpt from an article I saw on AOL:

"Babytalk is a free magazine whose readership is overwhelmingly mothers of babies. Yet in a poll of more than 4,000 readers, a quarter of responses to the cover were negative, calling the photo - a baby and part of a woman's breast, in profile - inappropriate.
One mother who didn't like the cover explains she was concerned about her 13-year-old son seeing it.
"I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview. "A breast is a breast - it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that."

Gayle Ash is obviously a really uptight and possibly sexually frustrated woman. If her 13-year son old can't handle seeing a breast (sans nipple and arreola, for that matter) the poor kid is in trouble. I've seen more sexually explicit stuff in Sports Illustrated (swimsuit issue) and National Geographic (usually photos of naked African women, ex.: The Ubangi Tribe)

What is offensive about a woman breast feeding her beautiful child? I used to get offended when I saw women out in public breast feeding, but eventually I got over it. Hey, it's nature. I don't see how this photo can be interpreted as obscene in any way. If you ask me, the people that were quoted saying they were upset about this cover are milking the whole thing for publicity. It doesn't offend me and I'm lactose intolerant! I'm certain there will be more controversy over this issue, so I'll be sure to keep you abreast.