Our Dogs of the Holidaze!

Ratdog got into the egg nog and Shelly is telling me what she wants for Christmas! She whined and shed the entire year and Ratdog just stunk and ate everything in sight while licking the floor incessantly. Merry Xmas from Our Dogs of the Holidaze!

I'm HUGE in the St. Petersburg (High School) Times

I received this e-mail today:

"Hello, I edit a newspaper for high school students published by the St. Petersburg Times. We are on deadline for our last issue before winter break and needed a little holiday fun, so I found your site and Ed Attanasio's tips for fledgling santas....below is the little item I have written that excerpts his piece and credits your Web site....To make sure I don't get any lumps of coal I wanted to make sure the excerpt is okay by you and that I am crediting your site correctly.
Thanks for your prompt reply...Gretchen Letterman"

I wrote back to give the school the okay to run my article. I made some dumb remark like "I'd love to run a few of my projects past your father." It was a bad David Letterman joke, but I couldn't resist. Then, I got this e-mail back:

"Ha, Ed!

Thanks much. We ended up having room to use only ONE tip, the hilarious one about dealing with insulting teenagers (our audience, those insulting teenagers). Tomorrow the print link will be up at tb-two.com, go down a bit to print edition on the left side and look on page four. We had photo of a local santa but needed something funny to run with it. I think I googled santa and teenagers and voila, there it was, the perfect item. If you'd like a print copy, send me an address and I'll drop it in the mail.

No one's ever asked me if Dave were my DAD, that's making me laugh. I actually am his younger sister but if you could see the color of my hair, you would not have made that mistake. Fortunately I have a staff of 30 or so high- school age writers who keep me young enough to do this job (I hope).

Thanks again, happy holidays. Gretchen"

After some negoitations, my Santa article will be appear in their school paper. For the excerpt, I will recive six Pee Chee folders, two macaroni & cheese mystery entrees from the school cafeteria, three deflated dodge balls and a lifetime all-access hall pass. I do believe I made out like a bandito!

Now after this incident, I've thought about making St. Petersburg my adopted high school. I did a little research about them and their mascot is called the Green Devil (?!)

What is a Green Devil? Is that like an Evil Al Gore? Why is this demon green? Is he green with envy because the kids at Manatee High School (who beat them in the 5A football playoffs a few weeks ago) have a better mascot called the Hurricanes. I have never understand why teams are named after bad weather! Maybe Manatee knew that their mascot could never be a Manatee, because a Manatee is like a bloated seal and not very threatening.

At least they have a good football program at St. Peterburg High School. They went 10-2, and had a good year right up until they run head first into Manatee.

But, I'll need to clarify the whole Green Devils mascot thing before I get onboard with this school. A goofy mascot could be a deal breaker

The Latest Poo on the Economy!!

In these supposedly post-recession times, I’m looking for any positive economic indicators that I can find. Well, I found a very promising one the other day and I’m enthused. The news is good and we’re on our way out of this slump…finally! And my information is 100% solid.

Let me explain. I was walking my dogs this weekend when one of them dropped a stinky package on the sidewalk. Suddenly I realized that I didn’t have a poo bag with me, which means I’m stuck. I pride myself on being a responsible poo-picking-up dog owner. Many people just leave their mutt’s feces on the ground and walk away and give dog owners in general a bad reputation.

So, what did I do? With no newspapers in sight; no leaves around large enough to work for the job; no litter to use, I was in a desperate moment, so I pulled a dollar bill out of my pocket and used it to pick up the offending deuce.

So, now I’m holding dog crap nestled in a dollar bill. What should I do with it? I decided to place it in the gutter and walked away. That was Saturday and the dollar is still there! Amazing! It’s a good sign. A year ago that dollar would have disappeared in minutes. And today it’s still there!

Move over, Alan Greenspan. I don’t need to study figures and economic forecasts until my face turns green to know that the recession has turned around. I’ve got news from the street and that’s more valuable than any spreadsheet analysis you’ll ever encounter.

Enjoy Christmas and run up your credit card balances, because we’re out of this mess and I was the first to tell you!

A Tough Interview

I was looking for a writer's assistant to do research for me and take some dictation. The first few prospectives seemed like decent candidates. And then this clown strolled in. His resume said that his name is "Hitler Bacon". That must have been a very good sign that meant I should abort this interview.

"What are your strengths?" I asked this guy. It's a stupid question and I hate it whenever an interviewer asks this, but I was in shock looking at this individual, so I resorted to this question as default.

And his answer was more bizarre than I anticipated.

"I help people because I am a people person. People like me and I dig them and everyone just gets real warm and fuzzy around me. They feel at ease when I talk to them, because I eminate a sense of confidence."

"What's with the bacon on your head?" I asked.

"This is bacon, yes--but what it represents is the fact that I won't live in a box. I'm an innovative, unique person who doesn't dance to the same band others enjoy."

"This interview is over. Don't call us, we'll call you."

(Thank God there's a thing called pre-employment screening.)

Mrs. Claus Wants Gifts Too!

Here is Mrs. Claus's Wish List for The Big Day:

1.) Beard clipper

2.) Lots of spiked Egg Nog

3.) Reindeer poo picker upper

4.) Sedative to give to over-hyped elves

5.) Lady Bug steam cleaner

6.) Easter Bunny Chia Pet

7.) Victoria Secret gift certificate

8.) Ice trays

9.) Vodka

10.) 420 stocking stuffers

11.) New glasses

12.) A Bugatti Veryon

13.) A $6.4 million mansion in Malibu next door to Madonna

14.) A good divorce attorney

Did Santa get caught cheating like Tiger? At least he was probably smart enough to avoid texting!

Happy Christmas!

Grace White: A Standup Who Stood Up!

I've written a lot of things, but this is my first obit. I am proud and flattered to write this about a great person, comedienne and my favorite surfer hippie chick in the world.
Karen Grace White (1950-2009)

Karen Grace White, age 59, of Colfax, California, passed away on December 3, 2009. She died from complications from a two-year bout with lung cancer. She was born on February 11, 1950 in National City, California. One of two children, she was raised in the San Diego area.
Karen Grace White was preceded in death by her father Robert Lee White and her brother Paul White. She is survived by her mother, Velma Kathleen Swafford, age 80, her daughter, Alisa Kathleen Cook-Shaffer, age 30 of Colfax, California, two grandchildren, Brandon Christopher Cook, age 8, and Olivia Julienne Shafer, age 4, both of Colfax, California.
Karen Grace left the San Diego area after graduating from San Diego High School in 1968. She moved to San Francisco in 1969, during the Summer of Love, where she became a member of the Big Top commune with Dennis Peron, a well-known political pro-marijuana activist. In 1974, Karen Grace White left to buy a piece of land in Colfax, California, where she resided up until her death.
Karen Grace was a standup comedienne/show promoter for 13 years and helped so many comediennes defending the rights of female comics in a male-dominated industry. Her Woman Who Kick Comedy Butt shows throughout the country were very well-received and helped careers for comediennes including Beth Schumann, Reannie Roads, Rebecca Arthur, Gayla Johnson, Grace Fraga and Jovelyn Richards. Others that performed in WWKCB shows include Sandy Stec, Tina Allen, Jackie Kashian, Maria Bamford, Kira Soltanovich, Tissa Hammi and many many many more. White promoted the theme that women work hard on stage and are just as funny and cutting-edge as their male counterparts.
As a comic, Karen Grace opened for such musical acts as 3 Doors Down, Starship, Edgar Winter, Leon Russell, and Jethro Tull, as well as comedians Kevin Pollack, Jack Mayberry, Rocky LaPorte and Father Guido Sarducci. Her television credits included appearances on "Good Morning America" and the "Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon," and made her film debut in "The Independent," starring Jerry Stiller and Janeane Garofalo. She also made thousands of fans laugh in Golden Gate Park from the stage of San Francisco's long-running annual "Comedy Day" celebration.
White, who had been given three months to live by doctors in November 2007, defied the odds and launched on a campaign to educate and raise money to fight the deadly disease, through the Bonnie Addario Lung Cancer Foundation. She also started Laugh Prescriptions, writing jokes to cheer up cancer patients--a concept that will hopefully live on for many decades to come.
During her amazing life, Karen Grace worked as a paralegal, house cleaner, waitress, legal secretary and an entrepreneur, as well as a comedienne. In the 1970’s, she owned and operated Cook’s Pastries in Colfax, California and ran a cookie business in the 1960’s.
Karen Grace White’s greatest pride and joy was her daughter Alisa, her son-in-law Chris Shafer and her two grandchildren, Brandon and Olivia. The family was raised with love and was always there for each other. Everyone who met Karen Grace never forgot her—for her incredible energy and a positive attitude that never waned, right up until her final days.
Karen Grace loved surfing and was adept on a long board; she was known as a “hippie chick” and coveted the nickname. Her interests included traveling, great food, art, literature, theater, movies, gardening, music, cooking and her family.
Karen Grace White’s daughter Alisa will be planning a celebration of her mother’s life in the spring in her hometown of Colfax, Californ

Perry Solves the Case...Again

"I didn't do it! I didn't do it, I swear!"

"On the day in question, did you fall on the floor?"

"Well, no...I..."

"Don't stutter, ma'am...tell us the truth and nothing less."

"No, I did not fall!"

A hush came over the court room. The judge exclaimed,

"It's time for lunch."

But, they ignored him.

"Tell us why you didn't fall, Miss Pearles."

"I don't remember, I..."

"Fibber!"

"I can't recall, I..."

"Liar!"

"I...I'll admit it. The floor was made out of high-quality glass tiles. They were not those cheap, low-end tiles, these were top notch, top-tier, head of the heap, premium grade, true craftsmanship like this really..."

"Quiet, Miss. You'll wake the judge."

"Oh, I'll whisper."

"Thank you. We don't want the judge to get in the way of justice. Case dismissed!"

"But, I was guilty as heck and you didn't even try to prosecute me."

"Immaterial!"

I Meet the Freak

As a rule, I don’t like to bother celebrities when I see them in public, but every once in a while I’ll run into someone and I can’t resist. I’ll always approach them very respectfully, asking them like royalty if it’s okay to spend a moment with them and usually it’s a 50/50 proposition.

I’ve encountered some athletes in the past who were less than a pleasure to meet. Barry Bonds was considerably less than nice, to say the least, and other people like golfer Greg Norman, sports announcer Jim Rome, HOF pitcher Goose Gossage and of course, Willie Mays (who I tried to interview in 1999) were legendarily rude and fulfilled stereotypes about pro athletes acting boorish.

But, when I ran into double-Cy Young award winner San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum the other day at a Starbucks in the Fillmore of The City, it was a thrill and a refreshing chance encounter with a smart, engaging individual pausing to talk to an avid fan. (Even though I am Dodgers die hard for 40 years).

I approached Lincecum and told him that I was pro-420 and he instantly replied in muted tones. But what he said was off the record, so I can’t say anything more. (If you didn’t already know, he got busted for having a small amount of marijuana a few weeks back.)

While I was chatting up The Freak (one of Lincecum’s nicknames) and bombarding him with questions in rapid succession, I just got the feeling that Tim plays baseball just like he’d ride his skateboard or bicycle. Here I was, a supposed grown man drooling to talk to him and the impression he gave me was “it’s no big deal.” I even sensed a little sympathy from him for a middle-aged guy enthralled by a kid who can throw in high 90’s and make all-star hitters look like little leaguers.

My overall impression is that Lincecum sees himself as basically someone who just got really good at throwing a ball, but somebody who’s not even 100% onboard with the lore and wow surrounding major league baseball. When a 51-year-old male walks up to Tim and starts treating him like the Pope, Lincecum is amused, but no longer surprised anymore. Two Cy Youngs will do that.

I asked him if he gets noticed in public more all the time, especially now after the two Cy Youngs. “It’s so random. I’ll be at places where I’d think I’d be noticed and no one knows who I am. Other times I’ll be walking down the street and people will come out of their homes to talk to me, which is strange. But, it’s all cool.”

In one word, Tim is just cool. Wearing a wrinkled t-shirt, flip flops and shorts, sending texts on his iPhone and drinking one of those caramel, whip cream covered coffee things. (I call those concoctions “dessert camouflaged as coffee.”)

I did tell The Franchise (another one of his nicknames) that he only has to win three more Cy Youngs in a row to set the record. “Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson won it four times in a row,” I said. “So that’s the benchmark, I guess.” “Cool,” Lincecum offered.

Then I decided to show off and run some other baseball factoids by him. “Koufax, Palmer, Pedro Martinez and Roger Clemens have all also won the Cy Young back-to-back like you,” I offered. “Nice,” he said. (Later I looked it up and I was correct, although I did miss Denny McClain, who won it in 1968 and again in 1969, a co-owner with Mike Cuellar from Baltimore—the only time there have been two co-winners.)
In summary, Lincecum was so open and forthcoming that is was a breath of fresh air. I sure hope he keeps that great attitude over the years, but it might be tough if he wins a couple more Cy Young awards.

In the end, I gave Tim (we’re on a first-name basis all ready) an official baseball hat from www.thisgreatgame.com, my baseball history web site. He didn’t don the cap when I presented it to him, probably because he didn’t want to mess up the do, but hopefully in the future I’ll see him wearing that hat out in public. He’s that type of kid.

My Post Stroke Mind

The Rolodex in my head gets mucked up once in a while and I scramble things like names, for instance. I was asked to write about Toto sinks, the best sinks in the industry by a large margin, from what I've read and heard. But in my brain, the first things that entered my conscious were the dog Toto (Wizard of Oz) and the band Toto. Instead of sinks, I'm thinking about a little mutt and a pop band. Life sucks initially and gradually gets worse. That's my new mantra.

Dos Burros

Today I start my book.