Whining to Coppola

I had a dream last night that I was talking to Francis Ford Coppola at this winery in Napa.

He wanted to talk wines and I wanted to talk movies. And it was really annoying.

"Francis, tell me about your trials and tribulations trying to work with Marlon Brando on the chaotic set of Apocalypse Now."

All he wanted to talk about was the oakiness of his Merlot.

"Please, Mr. Coppola, I'd love to hear about your experiences shooting The Godfather, my 2nd favorite movie of all time." (My favorite movie is actually One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but I would never be so rude as to tell Francis that. It would be rude and boorish.)

All he wanted to discuss was the dark cherry flavors found in his Cabernet.

"Was it fun working with Gene Hackman in The Conversation?"

All Coppola wanted to chat about was the fruit forward quality of his Pinot.

I left there feeling very confused and alone. So many questions unanswered.

I need to know more about wine, I thought--so, that I can get this man to talk to me about his movies.

First thing on my agenda: Join a wine of the month club.

My 5 Ugliest Cars Ever Made

Let’s face it—for every great car we produce on this planet, they’re bound to be a couple of real duds. Unfortunately, failure is just a fact of life. These vehicles probably looked really good on the drawing board, but in reality they were design disasters that are best forgotten. Not only did my Bottom 5 look bad, but they also performed poorly.

1.) 1975 AMC Pacer: One of the lowest points in the history of car making, the AMC Pacer was a disaster of great proportions on many levels—from the 95hp inline 6-cylinder engine all the way to the terrible fuel economy—18mpg. So, not only did it not turn heads (except in shock), this vehicle rode like a covered wagon with one bad wheel. The design reminds me of something you’d see in a 1950’s “B” sci-fi film. Consequently, the Pacer has become the poster child of 1970’s bad automotive design. If there are any of these cars left out there, they should be destroyed, for the good of the race and the culture. When other civilizations look back on us 1,000 years from now, the Pacer will undoubtedly be cited as the beginning of the end.

2.) 1974 VW Thing: Aluminum siding meets bad design, the Thing looks like a Sear storage shed on wheels. Originally designed by Volkswagen for the German military, this piece of rolling junk must have had Hitler rolling over in his grave. The German Army had a lot of success overtaking their enemies driving this vehicle--they essentially laughed themselves into submission. The Thing didn’t last long in this country, when it was deemed unsafe by U.S. standards. Some people actually thought this car was “cute”, which goes to show you that there’s a fine line between pretty and ugly. (Just look at Cameron Diaz in the wrong light and you’ll see what I mean.)

3.) 1974 Ford Mustang II: After the oil embargo of 1973, Detroit starting making ugly cars featuring poor performance, all in the name of cost savings. This Pinto-ish car is the one Ford would love to forget. Mustang has had a great run with some awesome models along the way, but they can’t all be winners. The 1974 Mustang is the Dopey of the Seven Dwarves. The best motor you could get with this car was a 171 cubic inch V6, generating 105hp and getting from 0-60mph in 14.2 seconds. A lot of people aged rapidly while waiting for this car to get up to highway speed.

4.) 1988 Citroen 2CV: Why are French people so bitter as a rule? Maybe it’s because they can’t get this ridiculous car out of their minds. Literally meaning “two steam horses” this vehicle drove more like “two lame mules.” French designer Pierre-Jules called the Citroen 2CV a “low-priced umbrella on wheels.” Described as “rugged” and “reliable”, traveling in this car was like riding a roller coaster from hell. It had the amazing ability to swerve on a perfectly level, straight road.

5.) 1986 Yugo GV: Over-priced at $3,990, the Yugo GV came as close to being a disposable car as anything before or since. With a 1.1 litre motor generating 58hp and featuring a terrible transmission, if this car wasn’t on the road it was in the shop, keeping the auto repair industry busy for more than a decade.

Father Time's Been Late Lately

I had been waiting around for Father Time all day. He was late once again.

I hate it when people are late. It's like they're saying, "Hey, my time is more valuable than yours."

Finally, Father Time strolls in, acting as if nothing is wrong.

"Hey Time," I said, mad enough to dispense with the 'Father' part. "You're late."

"Well, I'm very sorry, son, I..."

"Yeah, you're like two hours late. It's like comedy, it's all about ti- ti- timing. Isn't it pretty much the duty of Father Time to be, uh...on time?"

"Well, yes it's preferred, of course," Time was back pedaling big-time. "It's suggested, obviously. But, in this situation, I..."

"No more excuses dude," I interrupted. I didn't have time for Time's excuses.

"What you need is one of those Hamilton watches. You'll never be late with a Hamilton."

"But, aren't they expensive? Even Time is feeling the recession, you know."

"They're very affordable. And do me a favor? Stop talking about yourself in the third person. It's annoying."

"Oh. Sorry. I thought you liked it."

"Not this time....Time."

Even Father Time needs a little tough love now and then, I thought to myself.

Next time he'll be three minutes early. Just watch.

Kirstie Alley is BIG Again!

Kirstie Alley lost all that weight and now she's back in a BIG way (and I'm not talking about her career) In fact, the photo above shows her squirting people with a water pistol filled with maple syrup and butter. (Please don't ask me to elaborate). Alley worked so hard to lose the poundage and now she's back to breaking scales! I can totally empathize with her. I have gone through the yo-yoing myself many times, and it's so frustrating. Alley might want to consider weight loss supplements. They can help her more than Jenny Craig ever could. A good supply of the proper weight loss supplements will allow Kirstie to take the weight off and keep it off. I am now down to 245 (from 310), so I know from experience--she's gonna do it because she's gotta do it. We're all pulling for you, Kirstie! Good luck!

Four Female Clowns in SF's Circus Finelli

Next weekend I have been invited to review an all-female clown troupe called Circus Finelli. After reading all the wonderful reviews, I can’t wait. Circus Finelli is a 40-minute comedy stage show filled with laughs, acrobatics, juggling, dance and live music. The theme is a “circus gone awry” in which each performer courageously faces disaster in her own way, transforming small problems into big catastrophes.

You heard me correctly just now when I referred to these clowns as “her”. That’s right-all of the clowns in Circus Finelli are women. Described as “four crazy, unruly, unpredictable, yet multi-talented clowns”; there is Molly-the samba-dancing doctor’ Verka-the sexy, lazy juggler (my kind of clown); Luz-the havoc-wreaking accordianista; and Z-a woman so strong she had part of her brain removed to make room for more muscle.

Each member of the company is at least bi-lingual. Circus Finelli can be performed in English, Spanish, French, Czech, Italian and Russian, but the emphasis is on physical comedy. The troupe has preformed throughout the Czech Republic and has since been featured in many shows throughout the Bay Area.

Circus Finelli will be performing next weekend (Fri. 2/27 through Sunday 3/1; all shows 8 pm) at Stage Werx, 533 Sutter Street, San Francisco. (415) 730-3433.

For more information about these four very funny and talented women, visit the Circus Finelli Web site at: http://www.circusfinelli.com/.

"There's a cartoon quality to the sound effects and instruments that
texture the string of acts, but it's all dependent on live timing-
nothing like you've ever seen on TV or in the movies. There's lots of
comical juggling and acrobatics, thrown in with the real thing; humor
and excitement are inextricable."

--Ken Bullock, The Berkeley Daily Planet

"Fresh"

-San Francisco Chronicle


"Highly Inventive Comic Acts… full of absurd dialogue and physical comedy"

-Joel Schecter, Spectacle Magazine

"The Greatest Compliment Should be paid to the performers' ability to
react flexibly"

-Mikulas Bryan, Setkani Festival Review, Czech Republic

Circus Finelli "a no holds barred, off-beat, but perfectly timed
performance troupe. They're the highest level of physical comedians,
with perfectly coordinated comedic timing and whimsical, yet
impressive acrobatics just being the tipping point of their
performance… Filled with music, slap-stick, acrobatics and the
seamless chemistry of the four immaculately trained performers, Circus
Finelli has a rare synergy."

-Rashid Zakat, Philadelphia reviewer for Soulaquatics.com

Because Motorcycle Accidents Happen...

If you have been in an accident on a motorcycle and you believe that it wasn't your fault, you're going to need an attorney. That's where the motorcycle accident lawyers Los Angeles come into the picture. Motorcycle accidents are a part of life. People driving cars don't normally keep an eye out for motorcycles and the end result can be tragic. You don't have to be Evel Knievel to get into a motorcycle wreck--it can literally happen to just about anyone. Get a good lawyer. Get the medical care you need and are entitled to. Sure, you're sore now...and probably a little stressed out. Relax. Don't worry. Getting a good attorney will make all the difference in the world.

Thanks Woz!

One of the founders of the personal computer has to be Apple Co-Founder Steve Wozniak. I have met Steve on several occasions and he is a very engaging person, not to mention intelligent and extremely easy to talk to. (Although I don't know how smart he really is for dating comic Kathy Griffin--you can bet she is truly annoying!) When we look at the amazing laptop computers on the market today, we surely must thank Wozniak. If it wasn't for The Woz, we wouldn't have these great new laptops--particularly the Sony Vaio, a laptop that is both stylish and cutting edge. With a great look featuring a contemporary style unmatched in the laptop market today, the Sony Vaio utilizes XBrite FullHD LCD technology with razor-sharp resolution.

And we can thank The Woz for all of it!

It's the Pits!

Shelly reading about her favorite pit, Jasmine Blue

I recently received a disturbing note from Donna Reynolds at BAD RAP about another dog fighting bust (this one in North Carolina) where the shelter, wants to destroy the victims. For those of you who don’t know, BAD RAP is a great organization that has saved and socialized many pit bulls in this country, as well as helped to educate people about bully breeds. The Michael Vick case was very public, and the outcome was driven by that publicity. Those dogs were saved, but unfortunately, less high profile cases rarely end the same way. The Humane Society of the United States consistently pushes for the dogs to be destroyed, despite the wonderful outcome for the Vick dogs (all of the dogs that were rescued passed stringent temperament tests and many have been placed in loving homes).
Here is part of Donna’s open letter on the BAD RAP blog (visit http://badrap-blog.blogspot.com/ to read the rest), and the addresses you can write to in order to stop the genocide of 127 innocent dogs, including litters of puppies:

“Here we go again. A scumbag breeder/dog fighter in Wilkes County, North Carolina is busted, convicted and, predictably, his dogs shoulder the blame. Bad, evil dogs to be born into this operation. Authorities – ignoring Best Friend's offer to organize evaluations and a rescue – are getting ready to blue juice, bag and fill their local landfill with 127 bodies, including several litters of puppies. Because surely the rescues of the Vick dogs, the Patrick dogs, the Missouri dogs and even the Oklahoma dogs were a fluke.
So now what? If Goodwin [HSUS] and others have their way, Best Friends' offer will be ignored and the dogs will be killed and land filled. Below: one of the many puppies born since the bust. To ask for a different outcome, write, write, write...”

Wilkes County Board of Commissioners
110 North Street
Wilkesboro, NC 28697
Phone: 336-651-7346
Fax: 336) 651-7568

Wilkes County Attorney Tony Triplett
Vannoy, Colvard, Triplett & Vannoy
922 C Street
P.O. Box 1388
North Wilkesboro, NC 28659
Phone: 336-667-7201
Fax: 336-838-7250
E-mail: ttriplett@vannoylaw.com

District Attorney Tom Horner
500 Courthouse Drive Suite 2022
Wilkesboro, NC 28697
Phone: 336-667-6361 or 667-2994
Fax: 336 667-7999

No Matter the Size of the Dawg...Or the Bark!

If you're a dog lover like me, you know just how important it is to be able to get the right pet supplies. Without the proper supplies, you are going to run into a big bunch of trouble down the road with your cat, dog, parrot, ferret, chimp, lizard, rodent, gorilla, mutant ant, tartantula, coral snake, guinea pig, hamster, baby allgator, iguana, sea snake, hamster, mouse, giraffe and/or sea lion. Whether you have the largest dog in the world or the smallest mutt in the universe, you're going to need a source for good pet supplies that is both convenient and reasonably priced.

Rest in Peace, San Francisco Examiner

Newspapers are going under at a tremendous rate all over the country. The economy, the Internet and the fact that they haven’t been forward-thinking in adapting to changing times are the main reasons why. Cities that once had 2-4 daily papers are cutting down to 1 or 2.
I’m predicting the demise of the San Francisco Examiner. It may take 6 months; it could take a year—but the Examiner has a terminal disease and is simply waiting to die.
It’s easy to see what’s going on, even from the cheap seats. I don’t pretend to have any inside information, but I have two eyes.
On Sunday, we got 3 copies of the Examiner delivered to our door. We don’t live in an apartment complex with multiple units, and we normally only get one copy, so getting 3 seemed odd. Then, as I was walking my dogs, I noticed that every single house in our neighborhood got 3 papers dumped on their doorstep.
Now, the Examiner might blame it on a rogue delivery person. So, just out of curiosity, I kept walking, out of Pacific Heights and down to Cow Hollow and then onto the Marina. Every single dwelling got the same 3 newspapers.
Suddenly I realized what the Examiner was up to.
They’re falsely inflating their circulation—it’s so obvious. Advertising is based on how many papers are distributed, and they have to hit certain numbers in order to charge certain rates.
Today is now Tuesday and many of those same newspapers are still there from Sunday, sitting in gutters and on sidewalks, many of them rain-soaked and falling apart within their plastic bags. What a waste! How can the Examiner claim to be green when they’re doing something like this?
Also, the size of the paper has been slowly shrinking. Today’s Examiner is only 28 pages long. That’s not a newspaper—that’s a brochure!
It was bound to happen. The Examiner changed their format recently and, in my opinion, sealed there fate by doing so. They turned themselves into what I’m calling “The Chronicle Lite” – no in-depth news to speak of, but lots of celebrity gossip and photos.
Yes, the Examiner is going to die soon. There won’t be a funeral or a wake; you just won’t find it on your doorstep on Thursday or Sunday mornings. And it’s too bad—because it used to be a great paper and it could have been saved, if the people who ran it had changed with the times and taken some proactive moves to keep it profitable.