A Funeral Intervention

Bill had passed away suddenly and I was damned if I was going to let his brother Hector fall by the wayside as well. A funeral is not the best time for an intervention, but it had to happen. It was now or never, I thought. I pulled Hector aside and let him know the facts.

"Okay, Heck (we called him 'Heck') I know you're on drugs and I want you to get into a drug treatment center. I don't want you to die young like your brother did. I want you in a drug treatment center today. The dying stops here."

"But, I only have one addiction left. I got off the sauce and I stopped smoking, you know that."

"So, what's your remaining addiction? Meth? Coke? Wii?"

"Uh, I don't really want to say. At least not here."

"Wipe that silly grin off your face or I'll do it for you. I don't care if it's your brother's wake or not. Tell me what you're addicted to right now or I'll let everyone here know you're still using."

"But, I..."

"No excuses, man. Spill it or I start talking. Your mom won't be happy when she finds out...."

"No, way...I..." Hector was starting to tear up and his face was reddening at an alarming rate."

"Tell me...now!"

"Okay, okay. If you must know, it's Taco Bell. I'm addicted to Taco Bell! I love the Enchirito, and the new Fajitas! I'm hooked, I admit it. Now get off my back!"

Wow, I thought to myself. It was worse than I imagined.

I wasn't going to solve this today. So, I backed off. The kid had been through enough already. But, I'll never stoop trying. I love this poor slob too much to give up on him.

(...to be continued...)

Leaping for Leptovox

I know I talk a lot about diet pills and I have gotten some e-mails asking me why. Well, they are several reasons. For one, I have had success with them. For another, I believe in them. And I only talk about those I have tried or received good reviews about from my network of dieting friends. One of these that I have recently encountered is called Leptovox. It is very similar in many ways to another one I just reviewed last week called Lipovox. From what I have been able to surmise, Leptovox is a little more high-end and targeted with its ingredients. I have heard that it's highly effective and very low-risk. As I have always said--do not take my word for it without checking with your doctor. Taking any of these pills or supplements without consulting your physician is just plain dumb!

Oprah Saves Me!

"Do I look fat?"

Guys, here's some advice that you can take to the bank. When a woman asks you that question, run as fast as you can.

"What?"

"Am I fat? Do you think I'm overwight?" Judee knew I had heard her and was quickly becoming annoyed.

"As compared to what?" I was dodging her like Barry Sanders.

"As compared to uh....an average, normal person."

"Well, that's hard to say...On the moon you'd weigh considerably less And on Venus, you'd...."

"Listen you $#%%@! answer the question or I am going to kick you right in the..."

I knew I had to come up with something fast.

"Hey, have you heard of Lipovox?"

"Lipo-what?"

I could see I had her attention.

"Yeah, it's one of those healthy dietpills. A college student invented it and it's all natural."

"So, it's healthy?"

"Pretty much. This college student was watching the Oprah Winfrey Show one day when dermatologist Dr. Perricone was on there talking about a diet he had created that helps people get rid of wrinkles. Perricone wrote a book called, "How to Look 10 Years Younger in 10 Days" that identified 10 "Superfoods." She ate all 10 foods, and although it didn't get rid of her wrinkles, she did lose 11 lbs. in 10 days. It was too hard for he r to eat all 10 foods all the time, so she took them and concentrated them into a pill, which is called Lipovox."

Judee smiled, nodded and waddled for the door.

(Moral: It pays to watch Oprah once in a while.)

Dr. Phil: Here's One Marriage Even He Can't Save!

The blogosphere is buzzing that Dr. Phil McGraw is splitting up with his wife Robin. It’s been a hot topic for several weeks now and it seems like another one of those stories that people are starting to believe.
Is it true? Well, at first I did not think so, but as they say – where there’s smoke there’s fire. And this story is smokin’! I think it would be comical, ironic and fitting for the man who saves marriages to watch his own disintegrate. I always thought the couple looked plastic together on TV—you know, forced smiles with gritted teeth.
I would not be surprised if Dr, Phil got caught getting a little something-something on the side. Sure, he’s no looker. But, women love power, and whether you like him or not, Dr. Phil has a very powerful and confident demeanor. Chicks dig that.
Regardless, the news (if true and I am not saying it is) will not help the Doctor. In the San Francisco Bay Area, they recently moved his show from prime time to a late afternoon slot. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.
Here is the latest news on the alleged break-up, courtesy of Globemagazine.com:
"TV shrink Dr. Phil makes a living dishing out advice to others - but now, he may be in need of some himself to save his own marriage - as insiders reveal he's flying into jealous rages over his wife Robin. GLOBE's sources bare the shocking details of Dr. Phil's marriage crisis."
About.com's Dr. Phil and Robin McGraw Divorce Rumors report fueled the speculation:
"Could the self help guru need a little romantic assistance of his own? Following recent whispers that Dr. Phil and Robin's marriage could be in trouble, Access Hollywood did a little investigating into the matter.
When they checked in with Oprah Winfrey's BFF for a response to the gossip, they were given the standard "no comment" and sent on their way. Interestingly enough, this week's episodes revolve mostly around marital issues. Maybe Dr. Phil should start taking his own advice for once. "

The New Academy of Arts & Sciences

The new Academy of Arts & Sciences in SF will be opening at the end of the month. I got a special media/blogger's tour of the place and it's incredible. Here is what the place will look like. More to follow.

Scam Alert: HollywoodProfiles.com is a Rip Off!

I saw a listing for a site called http://www.hollywoodprofiles.com/ that claimed they could help get me parts in films as an extra. I have been an extra in a couple movies in the past, including The Incredible Hulk (the first one) and Mad City (with John Travolta and Dustin Hoffman) and both times it was a lot of fun.
Being on a movie set is a blast, the food is excellent and if you're lucky, you might not even get cut out of the film. I got to hang out with some of the actors and for just a moment, I was treated like a star. So, when I saw this thing for http://www.hollywoodprofiles.com/, I was intrigued.
For just $1.98, they said they'd list me on their Web site and that if a movie was being filmed in the Bay Area, I would have a very good chance of being called by the casting people involved.
Now that I look back at it, I have to say shame on me. What did I expect for $1.98 anyway? A starring role doing sex scenes with Angelina, Julia and/or Jennifer? A co-starring spot in a buddy film with Brad, George or Ben, in say, Oceans 20? I wish.
But, one thing I didn't expect was getting ripped off. Buyer beware! http://www.hollywoodprofiles.com/ is a scam! After you sign up for the $1.98, they will charge you an additional $49.95 on your credit card 14 days later. Then, when you call them and attempt to have the charge removed, they say "no problem."
But, these people aren't dumb. They have become very adept at ripping people off. They know that they don't have to remove the charge until it's 30 days old. So, they stall, hoping that you'll forget about it and go away.
That's why the citizen newspapaper that I write for, BrooWaha, is such a great forum. We can use it to call out scam artists like the ones at http://www.hollywoodprofiles.com/. We can use it to right the wrongs of the world and expose the many a-holes residing on this planet -- like real estate agents who berate potential buyers or punks who taunt tigers at the zoo.
So, you've been warned. This company has received a ton of complaints and has been investigated on many occasions. Hopefully, the only profile they will see in the very near future is their own mug shot, as they go off to jail to play the role of a lifetime -- as a punk in a prison scene from my newest favorite film, "Hollywood Profiles From Tier 7."

Petwave.com: A Great New Site for Dog & Cat Owners

If you're a dog and cat lover like me, you're aware that from time-to-time your pets will unfortunately run into medical problems. (Like when Shelly took Ratdog's ear off!) It's just part of owning a pet.

Whether you have to take them to the vet or not is something you will need to determine on a case-by-case basis, but in the meantime you can find out what's wrong with your little friends by consulting a great new Web site called http://www.petwave.com/.

I just met the two young guys who created the site and I love it! Petwave.com has everything you'll ever need to know about what may be ailing your pet, from digestive, bone, joint & muscle, eye, skin and/or ear problems. It's very thorough and comprehensive with tons of valuable information.

By checking out petwave.com, you can get peace of mind and possibly even save money by being able to alleviate the problem yourself. Let's face it, vets are great, but they can be very expensive.

One of the best things about http://www.petwave.com/ is that you can tell it was set up by pet lovers. It's so full of awesome and entertaining content (I especially like their "Breed of the Day" dog feature and articles like "Learning How to Care for Senior Cats.") that once you get on the site, you won't be able to stop reading and clicking! Check it out today and you (as well as your canine and feline housemates) will be happy you did!

I Go For the Gold & Come Up Cold!

The phone rang and something told me not to pick it up.

But, I always do. And it's usually bad.

"Hello, Thundermaker?"

"Yes?"

(A few years back, just for kicks and giggles, I told the people at work that my Najavo name is "Thundermaker." I told them I wanted to be referred to by everyone in the office from thereon as "Thundermaker." They didn't object for a second or even bother to ask any questions. Within 24 hours, there was a company-wide memo and everyone was calling me "Thundermaker.")

"This is Bunny Hope in Accounting."

"Hi, Bunny."

"Hi, Th-th-undermaker," she was having trouble saying the name without laughing. "I am calling about a certain piece of office furniture that you ordered for your cubicle."

"Yes?"

"Well, it's a $40,000 piece of furniture (see photo) with gilded doors. Don't you think that's a little expensive for a writer's office?" Her voice was borderline snarky.

"Hey, it's imaged perceived, mission achieved. You know what I am saying?"

'Uh, not really," Bunny said, obviously not feeling me.

"If you want to play with the big boys, ya gotta pay the freight."

"What?"

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time?" I was starting to sound desperate.

"Listen, Thunderboy, if you want to order office furniture that is more suitable for someone at your level within this company, something nice and reasonably priced, take a look at www.ofconcepts.com. In the meantime, your gold cabinets are going back. Maybe Larry Ellison might like them."

"But, Bunny..."

click.

(I hate accountants)

A Friend with Bad Skin. It's the Zits!

Bill gave me that bewildered look -- the one he displayed whenever he was cluelessly lost in his own pygmy-sized brain.

"Why don't chicks dig me?" he asked.

"No one calls them 'chicks' anymore, Bill for one thing,"

I'm always trying to help people, it's my nature.

"Well, why don't women like me?"

Bill was always slow on the take.

"I got one word for you, Bill. Well, actually it's a series of words strung together. It's www.getacnetreatments.com. Your face looks like the moon, Bill. Which I guess is better than Uranus, but not by much. They have treatments for acne that can really help you battle that road rash, Bill."

"Uh, thanks, dood...I."

"Dood is a dead word as well, Bill. But, don't worry, getting rid of that cheese grater face will make you feel better about yourself."

"Will I get babes?"

"No one says 'babe' anymore, either Bill. In fact, women hate it. But, to answer your question -- probably not. Even if you get perfect skin, you'll still be annoyning as hell. And that breath. And the fact that you live with your mom, have horrendous body odor and work as a security guard at a Burger King--that stuff will work against you Bill, I have to be honest."

"Oh," Bill said.

I had a feeling this tough love session was over.

Halloween: The Right Costume Can Make It or Break It!

If Lassie were only around to see this bunch...

If you're looking for a fun Halloween costume for this year, there are a wide range of new, fun and/or extremely scary ones out there on he market. Whether you're a ghoul or a boy, a ghost or a goblin, a vampire, a wolfman or a mummy--you'll find something at http://www.dreamascream.com/. They have the newest, hottest, hippest, most frightening costumes. And one of the best things about it is that they're reasonably priced. Halloween is rapidly approaching, so why not check them out today?