The Blowup of Armando Benitez

Last night we witnessed the complete and total meltdown of a relief pitcher. Armando Benitez, the controversial, unpredictable closer for the San Francisco Giants blew a game in a fashion so embarrassing that it hurt to watch. It reminded me of all the other horrible meltdowns in sports history, like the 1951 Brooklyn Dodgers; the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl and Greg Norman in big golf tournaments.

If Benitez can bounce back after such a devastating collapse, God bless him. But, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if his decline rapidly gains momentum from this point on.

With the Giants leading by one run in the bottom of the 12th inning against the New York Mets, Benitez (0-3, 4.13 ERA with 9 saves in 17.3 innings do far this season) walked the Mets’ leadoff hitter, the speedy Jose Reyes. Giving the first hitter a free pass is never a good move, obviously, but this situation was made even worse, because runners steal on Armando like they’re crossing the street. To make matters worse, Benitez then balked Reyes to second, and then two outs later, balked him home for the tying run. It was the first time since 1988 that a pitcher balked twice in the ninth inning or later.

Then, obviously rattled, Armando gave up a game-winning home run to Carlos Delgado. Game over, Mets win 5-4. While the Mets went crazy, Benitez walked off the mound with his head down. As Delgado crossed home plate, he threw his glove in disgust.

It was the fourth straight loss for the Giants, but the effect of this one will linger for the rest of this season, because it revealed to the rest of the league one huge vulnerability with this squad. If you can get into the late stages of the game and the contest is close, you can beat the Giants’ closer. He is easily rattled and has the propensity to blow up faster than Rosie O’Donnell at a buffet.

Armando is done, in my opinion. With all of the great young starting pitchers that the Giants have on their roster, it’s a complete waste and a losing proposition to have a liability like Benitez trying to close out games. Blowing leads and walking batters is not what closers are paid to do. It’s time to come up with a Plan B, Giants, and the B doesn’t stand for Benitez.

Count those Calories...Absolutely FREE!

There’s a great free diet and fitness website out there called http://www.myfitnesspal.com/. It’s an amazing completely FREE site that will assist you in losing weight and getting yourself on the right track toward a healthier lifestyle. They have an incredible calorie counter that is fast and very easy to use – which means you’ll use it every day and it will become an integral and useful tool. It teaches you about the nutritional contents of what you’re consuming and help you make better food decisions. This free calorie counter is so important, because, in my experience, calories are sometimes hard to keep track of. Before you know it, your caloric intake can get up there, and that’s why calorie counting is so vital to a successful diet. http://www.myfitnesspal.com will help you lose weight the healthy way. Which means you won’t yo-yo and just gain the weight back. And the great thing is, your credit card stays in your purse or wallet. They’re no hidden charges – it’s absolutely FREE!

Unfunny and Uncouth: The Dice Man Stinketh

Every so often in the entertainment world, someone with no talent sneaks in under the radar and gains popularity for no logical reason, in my opinion. It doesn’t matter that they can’t sing, act or tell jokes, but somehow they’re in the right place at the right time and make it big. Certain rappers, bands and comedians fit neatly into this category. I have never understood how Insane Clown Posse, Vanilla Ice, Judy Tenuta or Emo Phillips, for example, ever sold a single album or CD.

Andrew Dice Clay is a poster child for this phenomenon. The fact that he’s been performing for more than 20 years makes me ill. He is the unfunniest individual on the planet.

I did standup myself for 12 years (I was pretty bad myself) so I know how tough a gig it is, but I have seen comedians here in San Francisco and down in LA at open mics, struggling just to get stage time, who are 20 times funnier than Andrew Dice Clay on their worst night. How this man has ever made a dime doing standup is one of the great mysteries of our time – kind of like the Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster.

The fact that Comedy Central ranked him number 95 on their list of the 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time shows just how far our society has fallen. In 500 years, when our civilization has crumbled, historians will site Clay’s popularity as one of the early signs that led to the beginning of the end.

Clay started his career in 1984, doing nasty nursery rhymes and instructing men on how to abuse the opposite sex (like they needed training). In an interview back then, he cited his influences as Redd Foxx, George Carlin and Lenny Bruce, three comics who possess one quality Clay doesn’t – talent. It’s one thing to tell dirty jokes – Sam Kinnison, Bill Hicks and Richard Pryor (the greatest comedian of all time as far as I’m concerned) all worked blue and were very funny. But, Clay is dirty without the laughs. He’s abusive to women with no punch line. His routines are foul just for the sake of being foul. I’m so tired of hearing people defending by saying he’s a good family man. That’s like saying Hitler loved cats.

If it weren’t for the controversies he’s created over the years, the Diceman would never even be in the news. In 1989, Clay appeared on the MTV Video Music Awards where his raunchy act caused MTV to ban him from the network for life. When he hosted Saturday Night Live, Sinead O’Connor and Nora Dunn refused to appear. His movies have all bombed. The man’s only cinematic claim to fame is a disjointed, completely forgettable film named “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane” (1990). His Madison Square Garden performance film “Dice Rules” (1991) was banned in many cities and hundreds of theaters throughout the country refused to show it. He attacked deaf actress Marlee Matlin on his 1993 album, “The Day the Laughter Died, Part 2.” What a class act. Dropping F bombs is an easy way out when you don’t have material and Andrew Dice Clay has created a career around it.

His 1995 TV series, “Dice,” co-starring Cathy Moriarity, was unwatchable and came and went so fast few saw it. He did get a small film role in “One Night in McCool’s” (2001) featuring Matt Dillon and Michael Douglas. Now, he’s been reduced to performing the gambling circuit (Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno and a handful of Indian casinos), and is noticeably absent from TV and movies.

It appears as though the public has finally figured out what I’ve been saying for two decades – The Dice Man Stinketh. Hopefully he’ll fade away just as quickly as he reached the top. In other words, overnight.

Wasted Lives: A Classmate on Death Row

John Famalaro, also known as the “Cold Storage Killer,” was a classmate of mine. We both attended St. Michael’s Prep, a very strict Catholic boarding school in the city of Silverado, Calif. In 1975, we were roommates and got to know each other fairly well. Although he was a strange and sometimes very arrogant guy, I never suspected for a moment that he would go on to commit one of the most heinous crimes in Orange County’s history.

Now he sits on death row in San Quentin, awaiting execution. Living in San Francisco, I drive by the prison often, and every time I do I think of John. I think about how he wasted his life and ruined so many others. I wonder how he must feel sitting in a cell waiting to be put to death.

With the California death penalty enforced the way it is today, Famalaro will most likely die of old age before being executed. I’ve heard from some of my fellow classmates that he has embraced his Catholicism and is trying to counsel other inmates. He has found God a little too late.

I am disgusted, yet also intrigued by John’s story. If I could speak to him, I would ask him so many things. What led him to commit this unspeakable crime? Why did he keep the body in a freezer for so long, taking it with him from Orange County to Arizona? Did he feel remorse after he committed the murder or was he just numb? And how does it feel to be living in a cage, knowing day after day that the State of California wants you dead? Sometimes I feel like I should write him a letter, thinking that I might feel better if I can get some answers. But, I never will and I know it.

Here is John Famalaro’s story:

On June 3, 1991, 23-year-old Denise Huber pulls over on the side of
the Corona Del Mar Freeway in Orange County, Calif. to mend a flat
tire. She disappears without a trace. Lt. Ron Smith with the
help of the Costa Mesa Police Department, along with family and friends, search desperately for the young Californian native as this disappearance is in stark contrast with her character. Yet, like so many missing persons cases, all leads run dry and the investigation into Denise Huber's disappearance goes cold.

In 1994, a local paint shop owner, Elaine Court, makes an
arrangement to purchase paint from Prescott, Arizona local John
Famalaro. Upon this visit, Court notices a Ryder Truck in the
driveway. Finding the truck to be mysterious, she contacts local
police and asks them to investigate. What begins as a routine
follow-up quickly turns into a case of homicide. Police converge
on the Famalaro home only to find that located in the back of the
truck is a freezer. Its contents...a body...later identified as
23-year-old Denise Huber.

Inside the house, detectives find more evidence the home had been
visited by murder. A box marked "X-Mas decorations" contains a
bloody hammer and nail puller. Guns and handcuffs are strewn
about the home. Inside a closet, detectives discover an LA
Sheriff's Patrol Shirt——all signs that Famalaro abducted Denise
by gaining her trust posing as a cop.

Detectives embark on a forensic mission to re-trace the footsteps
of a cold case killer. The first step in this journey is to
determine the manner in which Denise Huber died. Averaging
85-degree temperatures, Maricopa County rarely deals with frozen
bodies. They resort to an old fashion technique. A hairdryer is
used to successfully thaw the frozen corpse, taking special care
not to destroy the fingerprints.

Forensic anthropologist Laura Fulginetti reconstructs Huber's
skull to find that she was bludgeoned to death with both the
hammer and a crowbar found in Famalaro's home. Detectives also use
luminol, a chemical spray that makes body fluids glow, to
determine exactly where the scene of the crime took place.

In 1997, the trial against John Famalaro begins. Famalaro pleads
not guilty...but remains silent in his convictions of innocence.
After deliberating for less than three hours, Famalaro is convicted
of first-degree murder with a death penalty sentence. He
currently sits on death row at San Quentin Prison in California.

Just Another Lazy Sunday...

Like the seals down at Fisherman's Wharf, my plans today include absolutely nothing. If I can get a good sleep and a few fish in my belly, I'll be happy. I love lazy Sundays, and if I can stay clear of my go-go-go fiancee Angelina, and her plans of moving pyramids and rearranging our place like the Winchester Mystery House, it'll be a good day and tonight I'll be able to clap my flippers and bark at the moon!

Wayward Whales Winding Way Homeward?

Two whales that lost their way more than ten days ago are now circling near a Sacramento River bridge about 70 miles from the open waters of the Pacific Ocean.

At first, scientists suggested banging pipes underwater to scare the whales toward the ocean, but that hasn’t seemed to move them. Now experts have come up with a second method that they’re confident will work.

“We’ve decided to really frighten and disgust the whales, so that they’ll leave this river and never came back,” said Hemma Rhoidal, spokesperson for WAPT (Whales Are People Too), an organization that assists whales in trouble, including those with drug, krill or alcohol problems.

“Banging pipes hasn’t worked, so we’re going to try and make some noise that will surely distress these animals,” Rhoidal said. “We’re going to start playing Joy Behar comedy albums, as well as Barry Manilow and Captain and Tenille records. If that doesn’t send them packing, nothing will.”

The organization has a special audio system that will play the records underwater. They’re also considering playing Andrew Dice Clay and Emo Phillips comedy albums, as well as Paula Abdul and Yoko Ono songs.

“If that doesn’t work, we’re going to invest in a video system and start showing them Ashton Kutcher movies. But, that’s a last resort. It’s very risky, because it could also kill the whales -- from boredom. Even whales know crappy acting when they see it.”

Both whales, believed to be a mother and her calf, are wounded, apparently from a run-in with a boat’s propeller.

“The wounds appear to have worsened over time and their skin has changed from smooth and shiny to irregular and pitted,” said Frances Guiland of the Marine Mammal Center.
Fresh water from the Sacramento River could hamper the whales’ recovery, biologists said. Skin samples taken from the mother whale on Monday were sent to out-of-state labs to assess her general health and help identify her population stock.

Some crews in the more than two dozen boats blocking the humpbacks’ path up the river tried herding the mother and her calf downstream by banging metal pipes beneath the water.
The challenge, officials said, was encouraging the pair to return to salt water quickly but without resorting to tactics that could upset the whales.

“Stressing even a healthy whale is not good. Stressing an injured whale is worse,” said Brian Gorman, a spokesman for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

The humpbacks, nicknamed Delta and Dawn, had traveled 90 miles inland more than a week ago before turning around at the Port of Sacramento on Sunday. They were making progress Monday until they reached the Rio Vista Bridge and began swimming in circles.

Scientists theorized the whales began circling because vibrations from traffic upset them. The pair could not be coaxed forward even when the drawbridge was raised to halt the flow of vehicles.

Scientists have been watching the two closely because their route includes sloughs leading to muddy deltas where the whales could become lost and trapped.

The pair also faces a couple more highway bridges between Rio Vista and San Francisco Bay, including the Golden Gate.

Federal officials have authorized researchers to fire darts carrying a satellite tracking device beneath the mother’s fin to monitor her location, but two days of gusty winds and choppy waters have delayed the tagging.

Joy Behar: A Reason to Welcome Death

One of the web sites I write for, www.bayareacritic.com, is offering 1/2 price tickets to see comedienne Joy Behar perform in SF. It seems like she's having problems selling tickets and I'm not surprised. I would rather die a slow death than listen to this yenta ramble on. She is so tremendously unfunny that I can't describe the pain I feel every time I happen to hear her tell a joke. My favorite female comics are Ellen Degeneres, Paula Poundstone, Margaret Cho (she's incredible!) and Kathy Griffin. Joy Behar is a complete hack. I just thought I'd vent. Sorry.

Amy and Joey: A Romance Revisited

It’s like a bad rash that won’t go away. Most of us want to forget it ever happened, but the two main parties involved won’t let it fade away. No, I’m not talking about Brad and Jennifer, John and Jessica or even Ann and Ellen. I’m talking about Amy and Joey. And I don’t know why I’m even wasting my time.

Joey Buttafuoco and his Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher, renewed their highly dysfunctional relationship last week with their first date in 15 years. The man and the girl who tried to kill his wife and is now all grown-up, had their big night out in Port Jefferson, Long Island.

A torrid affair between the auto mechanic and his underage lover dampened in 1992 when Fisher shot Buttafuoco's then-wife, Mary Jo, in the head, but recent circumstances evidently made Joey's heart grow fonder for Fisher.

"We started talking when Joey was in jail," Fisher said.

Buttafuoco, 53, recently ended a three-month stint in a California slammer for ammunition possession.

Joey's current spouse and Amy's husband both recently served them with divorce papers.
That set the stage for last night's "date" at swanky Pace's Steakhouse.

Fisher, now 32, was dressed to the nines in a shapely dark sleeveless halter dress and heels.
Buttafuoco appeared almost chivalrous as he offered Amy his arm and held an umbrella to protect her from the ominous storm clouds.

They dined on oysters on the half shell and surf and turf, according to inside sources. They shared chocolate mousse and creme brulée for dessert.

Cynics have said the get-together is about money rather than love. A TV producer is shopping a reality show about Amy and Joey.

I cannot believe that this is anything more than a media stunt. How can Joey Buttafuoco be so callous? This is the woman who attempted to kill his wife at the time. The only reason Mary Jo isn’t dead is because Amy was high on drugs and is obviously a lousy shot.
What must Joey’s children think? The guy is a philanderer, a cheat, a skirt chasing dirt bag and now he wants to re-visit an affair that almost ended up in his ex-wife’s death?

When I hear about stuff like this, it makes me realize that the only reason we’re above chimps on the evolutionary scale is because we were lucky enough to get opposable thumbs.

Joey and Amy are my Douche Bags of the Month for May and are definitely in the running for the annual award!

Raunch Dressing, Anyone?

Let me have the extreme pleasure of introducing you to Marco Raphael Castro. He’s the sick little Illinois high school student who surrendered recently to face charges resulting from a revolting lunchroom prank he pulled one day during lunch.

According to Wheaton police and school officials, the 17-year-old senior ejaculated into a bottle of ranch salad dressing and returned the befouled condiment to the Wheaton North High School cafeteria. It is unclear if the dressing was used by any students before the container was cleaned and refilled the following day. Castro, pictured here in these Wheaton Police Department mug shots, has been charged with disorderly conduct and attempted aggravated battery, both misdemeanors. School officials learned of the prank from other students.

Whatever happened to the kinds of pranks we pulled in my day? Like putting chalk in the chalkboard erasers; snapping girls’ bra straps, giving kids wedgies(or melvins/snuggies as some called them back then); pink bellies, Indian burns or putting Ben-Gay or Nair in guy’s jocks during P.E.?

Sure, we used to do stuff that was borderline – like throw eggs at teachers or play the old dog crap in the flaming newspaper on the neighbors’ porch trick – but spanking the monkey into a bottle of salad dressing never even crossed our minds. It just shows how much our society has changed.

This twisted degenerate is a poor excuse for a human being and needs a ton of shrink time to figure out why he’s so bent. Obviously what he did was a cry for help. In retrospect, if the alternative was another Virginia Tech or Columbine, what this punk did was fairly harmless. In the meantime, his photo will live for an eternity on the Internet. It will be a miracle if he ever gets a date with a girl again. If I were him, I’d date salad dressings. I hear Thousand Island is a lot of fun!

It's ALL in Orlando

One of the most fun places on the planet is Orlando, Florida. Orlando has it all and more – from golf to fishing, great restaurants and shows, not to mention all of the amazing amusement parks – if and when I visit Florida, Orlando is where I’m headed. I am considering a vacation home Orlando right now. You’d be pleasantly surprised to see all of the great prices and luxury amenities that you can get from some of these super rental homes. If you’re going to the Land of Mickey and Friends, there’s really no other way to go. Rent a beautiful vacation home in Orlando and have the time of your life!