THE RATDOG REPORT

We have a little Chihuahua mix and his name is Ratdog. I named him Ratdog after Bob Weir’s band and also because he looks like a large white rodent. His owner, a friend of mine whose been dead for three years now, tried to give him to the Humane Society but I stepped in and saved him from the doggy gallows. He’s deaf and yips and yaps all the time at vibrations, like garbage trucks, motorcycles or the wind. He doesn’t have a cornea or something in his eyes and he’s basically an albino. When you take his picture it looks like he has perpetual red-eye. He eats stuff most pooches won’t touch – like garlic, tangerines, tomatoes, cucumbers and even onions. He loves to be cradled in your arms like an infant, but only by people he knows really well. If another dog tries to mess with him, Ratdog will bite the offending mutt without hesitation. He’s a tough little guy.

For some reason, he’s also very popular, especially with the ladies. One female friend of mine actually tried to buy him from us for $500! Can you believe it? My question is: Why are people so attracted to this ugly little mutt? What is it that makes him so darn endearing? Everybody who knows me is always asking about him – How’s Ratdog? What’s up with Ratdog? Why didn’t you bring Ratdog? They rarely ask me about our other dogs, Shelly and Kaido. They hardly ever bother to ask how Angelina and I are doing. No, they want the latest news about Ratdog and I have yet to fully understand why. Maybe it’s because he’s the ultimate underdog. His bark is so annoying it makes you want to scream. He’s not particularly attractive. He’s licked his front paws so many times over the years that they’re orange-colored. He’s always a tad stinky, even after a bath. He’s got bad breath 24/7 and no matter how many times you brush his teeth, they’re always a shade of light brown.

Last year, Angelina and I made a 5-minute movie for a short-film contest here in San Francisco. It was called “Our Dinner with Ratdog” and starred you-know-who. The finished product was terrible, it hurts us just to watch it now, but Ratdog was great. Doing the movie was a learning experience to say the least. When we did the film, half the crew was drunk, Angelina got into it with the director and the entire process cost me major bucks I didn’t have. But, Ratdog was awesome. He hit his mark every time and was a real trooper.

Now and then, I’ll give you a report on how Ratdog is doing. That way, my friends can stop asking me all the time. Maybe then they’ll actually inquire as to how we’re doing once in awhile!

Kaido has to Go!

It's absolutely breaking my heart, but Angelina and I decided today that we have to give one of our dogs, Kadio, up for adoption. The woman next door has been complaining that the dogs are barking when we're not home and it seems as though Kaido is the main culprit, so he has to go. Believe me, this dog is not a chronic barker, but because we live in snobby SF, even if they bark a little, people freak out!

Three dogs is also just way too many to have in Pacific Heights anyway, especially since we don't have a yard for them to play in. They sit in their crates all day when we're gone, so of course when they hear noises (something this neighborhood is full of) they are going to bark. That's what dogs do! So having them live like this is basically unfair to the animals. We still plan on keeping Shelly and Ratdog (I will move before I give them away!)

So, if you know someone who is looking for a really great dog, tell them about Kaido. He is the sweetest mutt in the world. He is loving and faithful and fun. He is great with children and is of course potty trained. We really don't know exactly what type of dog he is, but people have told us he's a flat coat retriever.

We really want to give him to a good family. Part of the deal would be that we could come and visit him once in awhile. I am crying while writing this. I know I must sound like a complete wimp, but giving away a dog or any animal you've grown attached to is always hard. It's going to be a tough couple of weeks, believe me. If you know anyone, please e-mail me at: era39@aol.com.

Move Over, Birdman of Alcatraz! Meet Mark Bittner, The Passionate Parrotman of Telegraph Hill

“The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill” is a fascinating documentary about a flock of approximately 45 wild parrots that live and breed in the North Beach/Telegraph Hill area of San Francisco. It’s an award-winning film directed by well-known documentarian Judy Irving. For a long time, the movie made its way around the country as an underground sensation, popular with animal lovers, naturalists and people from all walks of life. Folks just seem to be drawn to this amazing story of human beings and animals living together and changing each other’s lives forever. The film is now available on DVD, and is doing quite well in both the rental as well as sales markets.

Every day around this time of year, I can see these wonderful birds through my office window. There is a tree directly across the street where they squawk and eat juniper berries. I love watching them for hours at a time and I’m always quite depressed when they fly off. They’re like neighbors – fun to look at and a little noisy every now and then.

The central character in the film is Mark Bittner, a 40-something free spirit who came to San Francisco from Vancouver, Washington in 1972 in hopes of becoming a successful singer and musician. Things didn’t pan out in SF for Mark the way he had hoped they would, and soon he found himself homeless and living on the streets of North Beach. After squatting in a few places and living on peoples’ roofs, he eventually was allowed to live rent-free in a cottage below the house of a yuppie couple who lived near the parrots of Telegraph Hill. He began to feed the birds several times a day. He learned who the different parrots were and gave them names. Bittner eventually had to move out of the place when the owners of the property decided to renovate it into a high-priced rental property. Suddenly, Mark found himself homeless again and separated from his family of wild parrots.

I recently got an opportunity to meet with Mark Bittner and ask him about the film, his book that preceded the movie, and his life since. We met in North Beach last week and chatted for almost an hour. The man is so cool and just a great guy. I know this sounds cliché, but I feel as though I’ve known him forever. I got a big brother vibe from the guy right off. The movie and his book have completely changed his life in so many ways. The interview will be appearing on my blog sometime this week in a condensed form, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, if you live in this city, especially in the areas of Telegraph Hill, North Beach, the Marina or Pacific Heights, keep your eyes peeled for these parrots. Their unique personalities are just as colorful as their plumage and markings. They are truly a special part of San Francisco and its culture. We’re an animal-loving city, and one can’t help but fall in love with these birds once you’ve seen them playing, eating, breeding and just being.

To learn more about Mark Bittner and “The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill”, visit his web site at: www.wildparrotsbook.com.

To be continued……

Kobayashi: The King of Consumption

Eating contests are something I know a little about. When I was in college I ate 24 plate-sized pancakes in 30 minutes, a fraternity record that still exists today as far as I know. Another time on a dare I ate 68 pieces of sushi. (Not sashimi but nigiri – the kind with the rice, which is much tougher to eat a lot of.) The mistake I made with that feat of gluttony happened when I drank a lot of water with the sushi, causing the rice in my stomach to expand. They had to carry me out of the restaurant and I was sick for three days. Then, of course, there’s the classic thing we do at ballgames called a “Babe Ruth.” This is where you eat one hot dog every inning at a baseball game. If the game goes into extra innings, you’re in big trouble.

In my younger days I could consume a lot of food and actually got 86ed from a couple of those all-you-can-eat buffets. The end result is that now I suffer from diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. At one time I actually weighed 355 lbs! Man, was I fat! Now I’m down to around 270 and dieting and eating right with the help of my wonderful fiancée Angelina. The difference between her and I is that we both love food, but it’s just not as big a priority in her life. Plus, she can go without eating meat, which I find difficult. I still eat well, and I get to have the occasional burger or steak every now and then, it’s just that now it’s a special occasion and not an every day thing. Once in awhile I’ll still sneak some chocolate or ice cream like a little kid, and almost every time Angelina will catch me. One of my favorite places in the world is called Coca Bella, a chocolate store down on Union Street in SF. It’s funny – I never realized how much of a sweet tooth I had until I learned I was diabetic!

This kid Kobayashi is an amazing consumption machine. He doesn’t look like a big eater – He’s a little guy who’s skinny as a rail. But, man can he pack it in. Joey Chestnut from San Jose Calif. is a great eater too, but he will always be in Kobayashi’s shadow as long as Takeru is in the speed eating game. Kind of like when Steve Young was backing up Joe Montana. Young never became a star in the NFL until Montana left the 49ers. Then, he cashed in.

Check out what Kobay-san did recently:

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (AP) - Takeru Kobayashi downed 58 bratwursts in 10 minutes Saturday to set a new record at the Johnsonville World Brat Eating Championship.
The 27-year-old Japanese man, considered one of the world's greatest eaters, won $8,000 at the contest in Sheboygan.
"They're good," said Kobayashi, who won Nathan's hot dog eating contest in July. "I want to take some home."
Defending champion Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas was unable to defend her title, eating only 34 brats, half a brat less than last year. At the time, her performance set a new world record.
Joey Chestnut came in second by downing 45 brats before thousands at the annual Brat Days in Sheboygan.
The 160-pound Kobayashi, of Nagano, Japan, ate 54 hot dogs to win the contest in New York in July.
"Brats are a little bit harder to eat," he said. "With hot dogs, it's more volume. You're actually dipping the buns in water."
If you're interested in finding out more about eating contests, the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE), which is also a chapter of the International Federation Association Regarding Terrible Smells (IFARTS), their web site is: www.ifoce.com.

Wendy Diamond knows Squat About Dogs and Human Relationships

“Animal Fair” magazine founder Wendy Diamond is also the author of the book, “What a Lucky Dog! How to Understand Men through Their Dogs”. She claims in a recent article I saw on Yahoo! that you can surmise a lot about a man by the kind of dog he owns.

For instance, she says that Chihuahua men are very demanding as a rule and like to be the center of attention. She says Rottweiler men are overly protective when they sense their loved ones are in danger. And she claims that guys who own Golden Retrievers aren’t above going through your closets and drawers when you’re not home. Diamond believes that dogs can sniff out whether a relationship will work or not.

This kind of pop psychology is a complete pile of stinky dog poo. No wonder Wendy Diamond is still single. This woman needs a long walk and then she needs to be put in her crate! I lift my leg on her ridiculous theories. Dogs live to hump the couch and sniff other dog’s hey-nanny-nannies. They know just about as much about human relationships as Diamond does. Next thing you know she’ll be telling us that Dalmatians can do marriage counseling or that Poodles can sense when your significant other is hot to trot. She’ll probably also try to get us to believe that Great Danes know if someone is cheating in a relationship and show it by relieving themselves on the leg of the offending party.

Get a clue, Wendy and stop being so silly. Guys are a little smarter than dogs (in most cases) and can see right through this kind of garbage. If you want to find a good guy, go down to the Humane Society and pick one up. If you were my girlfriend I’d probably run out into traffic or ask to be put to sleep.

Wendy Diamond’s web site is: www.animalfair.com.

Dem Bums Gone Rise Again!

Just when you thought the LA Dodgers were dead and gone, they come back! After the all-star break, the Blue Crew went on a bad run, losing 13 out of 14. Now they're in the midst of a nine-game winning streak and the team has found a whole new way of winning. Just when things were looking bleak, this team is back on track. With the Giants, Rockies, Padres and D-Bax playing mediocre baseball, the race to the finish in the NL West is about to get really interesting. Watch out Cardinals, Mets, et al -- this team is young, aggressive and pumped up!! With a nucleus of rookies and veterans, and the addition of guys like Maddux, Lugo and Betimet -- the Dodgers are rolling and poised to make a run. Jeff Kent who? Nomar who? We would like our injured vets to come back, but in the meantime the young kids are getting it done. It should be a fun MLB season the rest of the way!

It's Jerry Garcia Day Today in San Francisco

Today is Jerry Garcia Day in San Francisco. Jerry, as most of you probably know, was the leader of the Grateful Dead. He would have been 64 this week. Here is the press release on the event today:

On August 6th, 2006 the Excelsior Cultural Group, Excelsior District Improvement Association, and the San Francisco Parks Trust will present the 4th Annual Excelsior District Jerry Garcia Birthday Celebration (Jerry Day 2006) at the Jerry Garcia Amphitheater, located at 40 John F. Shelley Drive. Jerry Garcia, as most people know, was one of the biggest musical icons of our time, the leader of the Grateful Dead, and a native son of the Excelsior who grew up at 87 Harrington Street. This community celebration of Jerry Garcia originated in 2002 and has since gained a wide range of support across the Excelsior District and Southeast Community of San Francisco. Due to its success we are seeing a tremendous amount of increase in the use and awareness of the Jerry Garcia Amphitheater, as well as a great deal of positive press! Once again, we look forward to filling the Jerry Garcia Amphitheater with a great community event celebrating the Excelsior District's Native son - Jerry Garcia on August 6th! Stay tuned for details on some cool fundraising events in the near future. For more information (or to get involved) please feel free to contact the Jerry Day Committee at jerrydaysf@hotmail.com.
Fiscal Sponsorship for Jerry Day is provided by the San Francisco Parks Trust
Come and celebrate the life and music of Jerry in the Excelsior District, the neighborhood where he grew up!
Created By: Hitesh N. Chudasama

The Secret is Out: "The Girls Next Door" is NOT a True Reality Show

Angelina and I are hooked on reality TV. It makes sense -- I've always liked non-fiction more than fiction. It just seems like real life is so much more interesting than anything the human mind can conjure up. We like "Kathy Griffin -- My Life on the "D" List", "King of Cars", "Growing Up Gotti" and "The Real World", just to name a few. That's why I get upset when I see reality TV that isn't real. Several of the shows in this genre are frauds, because the stories are contrived and manipulated. There isn't any reality in many of these so-called reality shows. "The Girls Next Door", the story surrounding Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner's relationship with his three "girlfriends" -- Holly, Bridget and Kendra -- is a prime example of phony reality television. Hefner must have final say about anything that goes into the finished product, because this debacle is essentially a series of public relations videos for Hef. We see the girls hanging out with celebrities and assorted hangers-on at the mansion, running around in lingerie and skimpy oufits, doing photo shoots, going to parties and pretty much fawning over this rickety old man. You just know they're leaving out all the really good stuff. You mean to tell me that there aren't any catfights amongst three girlfriends? No animosity or jealousy? Does he actually sleep with these girls? (You don't have to show us, Hef -- just wink if you are!) And surely these beautiful young women have considered cheating on this old dood at least more than once. I hate unreal reality TV. This show smells, and it's not the girls' bath gel I'm referring to. "The Girls Next Door" is a bad home movie for Hugh Hefner. He should be watching it in his pajamas in the mansion's movie room for his and his friends' enjoyment only. The public should be spared this kind of drivel.

We Won the Big Race of Life....But What Did We Really Win?

I was thinking the other day. I was probably thinking too much. I was pondering heavy-duty stuff, like the universe, and God, and alien life, and fate. And, I thought to myself—if I had something to say to the world…if I could take everything, package it into one statement, and come up with something I as well as everyone else could understand, I think it would be this:

If, in the end we are judged, I hope the one judging us realizes life is basically a bitch. I mean, let’s be fair here – none of us asked to be human beings residing on this planet. It just so happens our sperm cell was a little bit more assertive than the rest in our batch. When you think about it, only the winners get a shot at this gig anyway. It was like a 10K for sperm cells, and we won.

Do you ever speculate on how close the race to the ovum was? Were you out front right from the gate, like Secretariat in the Preakness, a victory of over 34 lengths? Or was it just the opposite—you dawdled in last place until just before the final turn, drafting behind the leaders and then winning by a nose in the race for fertilization?

These are the kinds of things I think about all the time. Does that mean: (A.) I’m super introspective? Or (B.) I need counseling really bad?

The Chinese Gov't is on my s---t list

I cried like hell when I read this:

SHANGHAI, China (Aug. 4) - For the second time in days, Chinese authorities have ordered a mass slaughter of dogs to curb a rabies outbreak - drawing criticism from animal lovers but also support from many who say it's the only way to contain a disease that kills more than 2,000 Chinese people a year.

Animal rights groups are upset and I don't blame them. As you can tell if you've read my blog at all, I am a total animal lover and a dog person in particular. This epidemic is another example of a third-world country not using proper sanitation or having basic minimum health standards and paying the price. How many people die each year in this country from rabies? Surely not 2,000!

The measure came in response to the deaths of 16 people from rabies in Jining in the last eight months, Xinhua said. It didn't say when the slaughter would begin or how the animals would be killed. It said the city had about 500,000 dogs.

All I can think of is all the little kids in China who loved their dogs and had to see them slaughtered before their very eyes. These children will be traumatized for life. And all because people don't use common sense.

Rabies cases are on the rise in China, with 2,651 reported deaths from the disease in 2004, the last year for which data was available. Only 3 percent of the country's dogs are vaccinated against rabies.

Only 3 percent get vaccinated? Well, of course you're going to have a rabies epidemic if only 3 percent of all the dogs in China get vaccinated! The logical solution is to require people to vaccinate their dogs. It seems pretty simple to me. It's a shame that the dogs themselves have to suffer. China is creating some viciously bad karma by killing all these dogs.

This is just another example of how humans are ruining this planet. In order to survive, I believe we have to get along with every other living creature sharing this place with us. We're connected!

But, because we're the dominant species, we feel like we can do whatever we want and let the cards fall where they may. All over the world every day species become extinct because we destroy them with pollution, indifference, greed and ignorance. I give our existence on earth about 500 more years, and I think I may be conservative in that estimate. I wouldn't be surprised if we never see the year 2300, to be honest. It may sound selfish, but I'm glad I won't be around to see it, because it will not be pretty!

I can see countries like China slaughtering masses of people in the near future when the plagues hit, which they surely will because we're on an irreversible road to destruction and disease and famine will be part of the scenario, no doubt!

As my way of protesting, I refuse to eat any Chinese food for a whole month. I will not play Chinese checkers and I will not go to Chinatown to get ripped off like all the tourists who visit this city. I'm making a joke, because the alternative is tears -- but it's not funny!! If they can't regulate the health of their pets, then people should not own them. Having a dog is a responsibility and if you can't afford to get your canine vaccinated, then don't get one!

China can kiss me directly where the sun never shines. Tonight I'm praying for all the mutts who were exterminated this week -- sad but content in knowing that all dogs go to heaven! I wish I could say the same for people.