Viva Italia!!

They did it! The Italians won the World Cup! What an unbelievable game. I've been disappointed in this year's World Cup overall, because I felt the referees were giving out too many red & yellow cards, and I also hate it when so many players take dives and fake injuries every time they even so much as brush up against the opposition. I wanted one of three teams to win: 1.) USA -- and they absolutely sucked! I mean, Ghana beat them, a country the size of Rhode Island 2.) Britain -- Beckham can only bend it so far and really that's all he can do -- the guy is the ultimate one-trick pony, and 3.) Italy -- I supported them since I'm 1/2 Italian. And the paesans came through! With a record of 0-3 in World Cup games decided by penalty kicks, the Italians must have been a little concerned when it went to a shootout. The fact that one of France's best players, Zinedine Zidane, was kicked out of the game late in overtime for headbutting an Italian player probably hurt their chances a little, but when Trezegut, one of the few French players with fresh legs missed his penalty kick, the Italians saw an opportunity and took advantage of it. It was Zidane's final game and he went out looking like a thug. His headbutt was a cheap shot of the highest magnitude and was really uncalled for. I would compare it to something like Mike Tyson biting off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear or Latrell Sprewell choking out his coach when he was playing for the lowly Golden State Warriors. (I was actually almost hired a few years back to do some ads for the Warriors, but they were really unhappy with the slogan I wrote for them: "The Warriors. We suck now more than ever.") I bet there are a lot of French people right now screaming "No Fair!" and most likely being really rude to everyone around them, but hey--Italy won it and they deserved to win. One thing I can say is that in the final I think they should not let the game be decided by penalty kicks. It's like a tie game in basketball being decided entirely by free throws. It's anti-climactic in my opinion. The only other time a World Cup Championship game was decided by a shootout was in 1994, when Italy lost to Brazil 3-2. Italy has won the World Cup 4 times now: 1934, 1938, 1982 and 2006. The next World Cup is in South Africa in 2010. Also, hats off to Germany for doing a great job as host of the 2006 WC. There were no major incidents between fans from different countries, although some British soccer hooligans eventually got bored with all the security and ended up beating the crap out of each other. I am sure they're celebrating like crazy over in San Francisco's North Beach right now, and I hope the vino flows all night. It will be hard to find Chianti or Peroni in any SF liquor stores tomorrow. Italy won the World Cup and all I can say is: "Viva Italia!"
For a recap of the entire World Cup 2006 as well as some really good writing about the tournament, visit www.worldcupblog.org. It's a fun blog with a lot of good content about WC 2006. Also, www.cbssportsline.com really stepped up for the World Cup and had some great coverage, which is no surprise!

The Big Night!

It's finally here. After almost 48 years without ever being married (or engaged for that matter) tonight I am proposing to my lovely girlfriend Angelina. I NEVER thought I'd be doing this -- I mean, after I turned 45 I figured marriage was a mine field that I had carefully and expertly navigated through without being blown to pieces. Many if not most of my friends have been married two, three even -- that's right -- four times, and for many years I feared that I too would suffer the same results if I were to get married. But, I have met the perfect girl and she's the best thing by far that has ever happened to me, so I'm thumbing my nose to all the naysayers and I'm taking the big leap -- that is, if she says "yes". We haven't discussed it that much, and she's not one of those women who is always pushing to get married -- so I really am hopeful she'll go with the program. If not, I just spent a s---load of money on a fancy piece of glass that I don't imagine they'll take back. So, we'll see. I know she won't read this before I pop the question, because she's scared to see what I'm writing on my blog and has stayed away from it altogether. One problem is that long ago I told many of my male friends that if I ever started talking marriage that they were to hit me in the face as hard as they could -- to really lay me out, to just cold-cock me. I hope they've all forgotten their promises, because otherwise I'm going to be walking around wearing a catcher's mask for the next couple of weeks to avoid getting my ass kicked. I'm taking Angelina to an Italian restaurant, the same place where we had our first date 2.5 years ago. I'm thinking of hiding the ring in our antipasti. If it all goes as planned, it will be THE greatest night of my life. If not, I may jump off the Bay Bridge. Speaking of the Bay Bridge -- to see how it will look after the construction is completed (20 years from now?) take a peek at: www.sfgate.com\baybridge.

Mickey Joseph is a Talent!

I have a good friend who is a consummate performer and entertainer and his name is Mickey Joseph. He currently resides in San Carlos and is raising two wild teenagers, so he has his hands full, to say the least. I first met Mickey in 1987 at a comedy open mic in Palo Alto at a place called Emerson's Bar & Grill. It was a hellhole for young upcoming comics back then, because people would go there just to heckle and hassle the comedians on stage. One night when I was emceeing the show, a young balding guy walked up to me and asked if I would take a minute to listen to some of his act. We went out on the back patio at Emerson's and he did his act for me in the dark. I was amazed. It was incredible. He did impressions, his physcial stuff was outstanding, his timing was on the money -- I was very impressed to say the least. So, I wasn't real surpirsed when I heard shortly thereafter that the guy was headlining all over the country. Mickey is an "old school" comedian, a throwback from the days of borscht belt comics and vaudeville performers. His imitation of Sergeant Bilko is so right on it's eerie! He's also a great person when it comes to supporting other young comedians on their way up. I began writing jokes for Mickey, and soon we became really good friends. He's helped me with my act and 2.5 years ago he introduced me to my lovely girlfriend (who will hopefully be my fiancee before this day is over.) Mickey currently stars in the incredible tribute to Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Junior and Joey Bishop that is playing to rave reviews all over the country. It was here in SF for quite a while at the Post Street Theater and should be coming back. Mick plays Joey Bishop and he does a really impressive job. He plays Joey his way and it works. In the business they'd say he has made the part his own. (By the way, Jeff Applebaum, another really funny comic and a friend of mine plays Joey Bishop in the show too -- he and Mickey cover for each other and do it in different cities). Mickey and I have also co-produced a series of shows at the Lil Fox Theater in Redwood City. "The Mickey Joseph Show" is a variety show with comics, music, magic and more. I also helped edit Mickey's autobiography, "What Would Do Corleone Do?", which is a really fun read and offers a glimpse into the man's hilarious boyhood and his ascent to success in comedy, music, writing and acting. For more on Mickey Joseph, check out his web site at: www.mickeyjoseph.com.
He's a great talent and you'll see him on TV one day, there's no doubt.

Where can you get good help these days?

I had planned to do some more blogging today, but my assistant, Ratdog, just called in sick. Can you believe it? My take on what happened is that he partied a little too hard last night, and now he has decided he wants a three-day weekend. I just know he's faking it. His timing couldn't be worse -- I have a VERY important day today and I need his help, but he's going to leave me in the lurch, the little runt! He said he thinks he has the bird flu. Hah! More like the bull---t flu, if you ask me. He's kicking back in his crate with his doggy toys right now and laughing at me. Let's see how much he's laughing when I get a cat to replace him!
For more information on how to deal with manipulative dogs, visit www.animal.discovery.com.

WATCH OUT FOR BLOG HATERS!!!

I have only been bloggin' for like two days now, and I have already run into the dreaded blog haters. I was warned about them, and I thought maybe it was just a legend like Big Foot or The Loch Ness Monster, but it's true. My brother, I hate to say it, may be one of them. When I asked him to take a quick look at my blog, you would have thought I was asking him to amputate his left testicle. People are afraid of blogs because they don't fully understand them and people fear the unknown. They think blogs are like a religious cult that they'll get sucked into and then they'll give the cult all their money and have to de-programmed years later just to get out alive! But, for those of us who know, that's not the case at all. Blogs are good. They're our friends. I love blogs.
To find out more about blog haters, visit this blog: www.kvnblogspot.com. It's called "Deviant -- The Blog for Blog Haters."

DON'T TRY THIS, FELLAS!!

Warning to guys out there: Do not try to take your girlfriend's picture while she's in the shower. This is a move that is best avoided at all costs. If you succeed, your ass is in a sling, and if you fail (as I did here), you're still on her s%#t list for making the attempt. It's a major lose-lose and is not recommended for healthy relationships. This is a warning from someone who knows. Please, fellas, take this advice to heart and avoid all the mistakes I've made!

A Letter from My Assistant Ratdog RE: Looking for Yuckfest Volunteers

Every year, my master Ed (aka "Hymie") produces a comedy benefit at Rooster T. Feathers in Sunnyvale called "The Yuletide Yuckfest" It's a fun event that raises toys and $$ for Toys for Tots, which is a great charity run by the Marines. When Ed was looking for a charity to raise $$ for, he chose TFT because when you give them a toy, it goes to a child. With a lot of charities, as much as 90% of the $$ they receive can go to the administration and the day-to-day operation of the charity. The people it's supposed to be helping can end up getting very little. The reason for this posting is that Ed is looking for people to help him with the event. This may involve phonework, passing out flyers or helping out at the event itself, which is always in early December. As Ed's assistant I am supposed to bite anyone who has a "bah humbug" attitude and doesn't want to go with the program. It's a fun way to help kids out during the holidays, because I don't care who you are, we've all at one time or another been kids (or pups) during the holidays. I remember one Christmas when I was about six weeks, my brothers and sisters and I got up at 3 am to open our gifts. Boy, were we ever in the doghouse for that one. Please e-mail Ed, my master at: era39@aol.com if you're interested. And please put in a good word for me, Ratdog. Do you know how hard it is to type with claws?
Thanks,
Ed's personal assistant,
RATDOG
If you want a great personal assistant that can type, make coffee and bark/growl at people when they don't do what you want them to do, visit: www.monster.com or www.craigslist.com and look under "Canine Assistants."

Why I love San Francisco!!

This town takes a while to grow on you, but once it gets in your blood, it's like really good vicodin (just ask Rush Limbuagh) -- you're basically hooked! Where else do they put snow on Fillmore Street and let people ski jump? (See photo). Where else can you go to a great show like Teatro Zinzanni and have a big guy in drag stick your face directly into his cleavage? (See other photo.) We've got the Giants, the 49ers (which isn't really all that much to brag about) great theater, (we recently saw Martin Short's one-man show -- terrible -- and a play called Killer Joe at the Magic Theater in Fort Mason -- shocking and memorable), amazing restaurants, the Golden Gate bridge, Fisherman's Wharf, Chinatown, Japantown, the Marina, there are all kinds of art galleries and museums, the music scene, the hippies in the Haight, the gays in the Castro, the Mexicans in the Mission -- it's all here and it's all happening in paradise. I lived in San Jose for almost three decades, and I will always have a soft spot for the South Bay, but my heart is now in San Francisco, the incredible city by the bay!
If you want to go see Teatro Zinzanni, which I HIGHLY recommend, their web site is: www.zinzanni.org. To find out what great shows are happening at the Magic Theater at Fort Mason, visit: www.magictheatre.org.

I'm Blog Crazy!

I just started this blog yesterday and I can't stop posting. It has my entire house in an uproar! The dogs see me typing frantically away at the keyboard and they can sense the excitement, I'm sure. The first thing my girlfriend said is, "DO NOT put my name in your blog. You don't mind flaunting your personal life in public, but I am a private person." (This from a woman who was a stand-up comic for six years.) It's just that I have so much to say, and I want my blog to have a little content -- so that people have something to look at and read when they visit my blog. My girlfriend (from here on we will refer to her as Angelina) said that I will do a bunch of posting for a few days and lose interest -- the same way I did with guitar lessons and juicing -- and the blog will be old and tired. I hope not. Right now I'm blog crazy and loving it. I may do 10 posts today, who knows. I have stories, ideas, songs, jokes -- I even do shadow puppets. I'm a blogging fool and I don't care who knows it.

There's Baseball in the Air!!

Baseball is in full swing. This is the time of the season I enjoy the most. Teams are starting to find themselves, stars are emerging while others are fading. The all-star game is coming up real soon, and before you know it, it’ll be September and the pennant races will really be heating up. After the World Cup concludes (Go Italy!) major league baseball will pretty much be the only thing on the sports schedule. Of course, there’s always golf, women’s basketball and car racing, none of which interest me even remotely. Baseball is THE only sport going on right now as far as I’m concerned, and I love it! That's why I have the Extra Innings baseball cable package from Direct TV -- it gives me all of the games every day so that I can watch every team, flipping around from game to game like a crazed baseball zombie, which I am. (this is a shameless plug -- Direct TV is writing a cheque right now.) After a while I don't know if I'm watching the Twins vs. Kansas City or the Tigers vs. the A's. Everything gets jumbled and I start sweating and chanting players' names out loud, "Ordonez, Garciaparra,
Feliz and Kent" (sounds like a law firm.) Anyway, I love baseball and now is the ideal time of year to be into it. I guess that's my point.