LIFE ON THE EDGE

Hector's Big Weekend: Part One

2011-11-22T15:09:00.000-08:00

In gambling terms, Hector is a mini-whale. Sure, he’s just as sick as any of them, but he has a larger wallet and isn’t afraid to risk a significant portion of his impressive bankroll on assorted card games, sporting events and whatever else can provide that adrenalin rush. One time he and another fool bet on who could eat more pieces of sushi and Hector started gagging after 90. Pretty impressive for a 5’2’’ 100-lb. guy, but he lost $10,000 when his friend ate 104 nigiri-zushi. Another time, Hector was convinced that he could run from Reno to Carson City in a business suit in the dead of winter. One of the assorted morons in his entourage of hangers ons, wanna bes and never wasses, bet him 20 grand and Hector won. It took him almost two days for him to run, jog, shuffle and finally limp the 40 miles. But in the process, two of Hector’s toes went black from frost bite and he lost them.

As a mini-whale, Hector traditionally makes single wagers with four zeroes attached. Mini-whales prefer to be big fish in small ponds, so they normally gravitate toward wagering at the smaller gambling establishments like those found in Reno or at many of the Indian casinos. Places with names like The Showboat or Thunder Valley. True whales make six figure bets and that’s why you’ll find them in Las Vegas, Atlantic City and at the big casinos in Monte Carlo and Antigua. I have known only one legitimate whale in my life, but that’s another story for another time.

Whales of any size get pampered and treated like rock stars at all of the top casinos and even most of the sketchy ones as well. The level of pampering depends on how much they wager and how much they’ve lost or won. Whales get anything they desire, either legal or otherwise and mini-whales get something a little less. Whales get top-shelf caviar, Cuban cigars, expensive wine, top scotch and prostitutes that look like A-Class models. Mini-whales get pate instead of caviar, domestic cigars, discount wine and hookers with a little street in their walk.

Mini-whales come in all shapes and sizes. One day in Reno I met an old gal named Dot. She chain smoked and wore enough rhinestones to tile a shower. Dot outlived three husbands and rumor was she outright killed one of them. With enough money to throw around ridiculously, Dot would drop 20 to 30 grand every time she hit the Sands. Her drinks (mostly Manhattans) were free; they gave her the old Wayne Newton suite and every once in a while they’d send an old former Chippendale dancer up to her room to check the plumbing. With that type of treatment, Dot happily lost a couple hundred thousand dollars at the Sands every year, smiling ear to ear and loving every minute of it.

Hector normally played at the Silver Legacy in Reno, but every once in a while he would venture to Vegas. He loved the place, but knew it would be his demise one day. “There’s just too much shit going on there, man,” Hector said it every time he left Sin City looking like a wrinkled old necktie and smelling like cheap cologne--the kind you can load on to mask all the other smells, but it never really works.
So, Hector’s regular spot was Reno, but on this particular weekend, a casino in Vegas had invited him to watch a big boxing match with everything included and at no charge, of course. It doesn’t matter who was fighting that night, because Don King was the promoter, which means the event was fixed anyway. If you want to see something more believable, watch wrestling or the Smurfs.

Hector loved betting on fights and getting in his own. As a little guy with a Napoleonic complex, he loved boxing and wasn’t afraid of knocking a few heads himself. The problem is, he went after guys twice his size and continually got his ass kicked. He led with his fists and felt everyone was eyeballing him and dissing him all the time. One time at a party, he smacked our host in the face for offering him a cocktail. What the hell, we asked him as we were being escorted out the door.
“He gave me a weird vibe,” Hector mumbled. Unbelievable, I thought. I decided right there and then to hang out with this guy a little less. He’s fun, but he could get me killed, I noted.

So, when Hector invited me to Vegas for the weekend, I thought more than twice before answering.

(To be continued….)

2011-07-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

#13: Rocco “Razz” Randazzo
Catcher, Footville (Wisconsin) Bunions, Dairy Belt League

Randazzo was well-known for two things 1.) His colorful bench jockeying techniques and 2.) His inability to catch just about anything thrown in his general direction. In 1904, “Razz” made a tragic mistake when he called Junior “The Bull” Applebaum, a pitcher for the Egg Harbor Yolks, a word we can’t share here. As a result, Randazzo’s heckling days were over and from the embarrassment he never spoke again. For the next 30 years, he was known as “Mickey the Mime” performing for children’s parties and Bar Mitzvahs for the remainder of his life.

Baseball Icons Who Couldn't #1

2011-07-22T08:46:00.001-07:00

#1: Cookie “Crumbs” Colla

Pitcher, Flea City, California Larvae, Western Coastal Scrub Brush Association
Colla loved baseball, but preferred eating cookies on the bench. The crumbs became a problem and birds started to flock toward the dugout. When he was asked to refrain, he could not, and eventually Colla was sent off to the lowly Will-o-Wisp Wombats, a team of castoffs that played in the Colorado Mite Bowl, where he was forgotten, until six years later, when he found a cookie recipe and started making his own. Soon, everyone was eating Cookie’s Cookies!

My Crazed Art

2011-07-10T15:27:00.001-07:00

World's Ugliest Dog Contest 2011

2011-06-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

My little Ratdog was a star and he finished second in the Mutt Division.

Not Lost in Translation, Part II

2011-05-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

As I stared at the wild scene in the pool, I began to think about bad, bad things. Things I wanted to do to this rude Frenchman (I’m calling him Claude) to inform him in a rather direct way that I wasn’t fully appreciating his approach to living with other people, especially while on vacation. If we can’t play nice on vacation, a supposed form of relaxing and unwinding, how do we act when we’re home? I don’t want to even think about it. Is everyone in France rude to each other? How does that work? Do the rudest people in the country run things, within some kind of rudeness caste system? If your father is rude, does that make you a legacy? Is boorishness passed on from generation to generation?
Sometimes it is inconvenient when other people want to share the planet and Claude was one of those individuals. As I studied him, I saw him piss off 2-3 other vacationers within 30 minutes. He obviously didn’t believe in other peoples’ personal space (in the U.S. we want at least three feet minimum, but in Japan, for instance, it’s more like a few centimeters) and when you combine cheap wine, Greek cigarettes and a lack of dental care, Claude’s death breath was offending everyone and everything—including flies and passing seagulls.
So, as I was brainstorming, and I instantly thought of Caddyshack, one of my favorite comedies ever produced, a farce about golf at a big country club and all of the juvenile activities surrounding it. It stars Bill Murray, Ted Knight, Chevy Chase and Rodney Dangerfield. In the film, there are several memorable scenes, including the now legendary one involving a candy bar being thrown into a swimming pool, which was based on a real-life incident at Brian Doyle-Murray's high school. (He is Bill Murray’s brother and a great actor/writer in his own right.)
So, after a few Coronas and a shot of the cheapest tequila Mexico will produce, I started contemplating my next move. Was I mad enough to do it? Would it work or simply be a waste of time? Well, who cares—I enjoy the challenge of pulling a prank and when it works it’s an adrenaline rush. The fun is in the planning. So, I decided, let’s do it—what the heck?
So, I recalled that one of my vacation companions was a chronic snacker. I had been to Hawaii, Acapulco and other destinations over the years with this guy, and every time before departure, he would go to Costco and bring a big gym bag filled with snacks on vacation—nuts, pretzels, chips, candy and importantly—candy bars. So, I went to our room and delved into his stash. Luckily, there were a selection of candy bars there, all my favorites, including Snickers, Milky Way and Almond Joy. The latter wouldn’t be very good to sculpt into a believable floating turd, because Almond Joy’s come in two little sections and I wanted something large so that my French friend would notice it. Snickers were my first choice, because the peanuts inside offer an added level of reality. But Milky Way’s are good too, because they contain that stuff in the middle, what do they call it? Nougat? So, I went with both.
I took one Snickers and one Milky Way and because it was warm in our hotel room, they were equally pliable. I morphed them together with the skill of a seasoned sculptor, and when I was done, voila! It looked like a large, bumpy turd and it was so believable, I was simultaneously pleased and disgusted.
So, I nestled the pseudo-poo in a large hotel towel and walked it over to pool side, just several feet from my snarky French victim. I dropped it into the pool and waited for the screams, but after 15 minutes nothing. I hopped into the shallow end and looked around under the water to find my piece of art, but then I realized there was one major flaw in that great scene in Caddyshack. Candy bars don’t float. Damn! I thought. All this work to pull off a master stunt, and now suddenly physics gets in the way.
But, I never give up. I will push a prank until it succeeds or fails, but once I’m committed, I will always follow it through to the end. So, I dove down and without anyone seeing me, I retrieved the fake deuce and nudged it right next to Claude. He was drunk and completely oblivious, still busy insulting people, chain smoking and berating the help.
Now, with my poop properly positioned, I moved to the other end of the pool waiting for any response. Still nothing, then I heard Claude scream like a little girl. Sounding like a very shocked and irritated mademoiselle.
“Hasch!” He yelled and no one moved.
“Merde!” he shrieked more frantically now. Still no one in the crowded pool bar even looked up.
“Salope!” Still no response.
Wow, I thought, Claude just came up with three words for human waste, all within milliseconds. Could he possibly be related to Roget, the inventor of the Thesaurus?
Suddenly Claude bellowed out the money word. “S--t! Sh--t! Sh--t!” And that got some instant attention.
It’s the universal word that means the same thing in any country in the world. Within moments, people were fleeing the pool bar and retreating to dry ground as quickly as humanly possible. Some of these folks hadn’t moved this fast in many years, I believe. Right away, people were pointing and kids started crying. It reminded me of another movie called Piranha, where families stampede each other trying to get away from the killer fish. This was not a killer fish, just a carefully molded combination of candy bars, but it caused a huge scene at the pool and as a result, vacationers wouldn’t jump into that same pool until the next day.
Claude spent the rest of his vacation in the ocean, still chain smoking and insulting the beach waiters, but at least he was no longer bothering folks in the pool. I spent the next three days lounging in the pool, having a good time drinking free cheap booze and interacting with people from friendlier countries.
The incident was the main topic around the hotel right up until the day we left. I never took credit for it, but walked away satisfied knowing that it was mission achieved. Did it knock Claude down a notch? Will he act nicer in the future? Probably not. It’s not going to happen overnight, and it may not happen ever. But, at least on that particular day, two candy bars and one crazy prank-obsessed idiot reenacting scenes from his favorite films taught one boorish Frenchman a lesson—kind of.

Not Lost in Translation, Part I

2011-05-10T10:11:00.001-07:00

Most of the time I feel like I’m living in one of my favorite movies. I watch 5-6 films every week, so I’ve seen maybe 10,000 movies in my life. The first one I saw was Pinocchio 50 years ago and last night I watched a documentary called I Like Killing Flies (it’s a must-see, rent it today.) So, I’ve seen a lot of movies and quote from many of my favorites all the time.
Sometimes it gets annoying, I’m sure. My wife will ask me something and I’ll say “Ya talking to me?”
The other day I walked by a construction site and yelled out at the building crew, “If you build it, they will come.” From their expressions, I got the feeling they weren’t Kevin Costner fans.
“Frankly, dear I don’t give a damn.” I told the cranky old lady down the street when she complained that my music was too loud.
“I coulda been a contender.” I told the M.C, after I finished last in a recent standup comedy competition.
Sometimes I combine them. My wife asked me how much we had in the checking account and I told her, “Love means never having to say show me the money.”
I’ll perplex a waiter with a strange order once in a while “I’ll take the liver with a box of chocolates, a dry martini, shaken, not stirred and a nice Chianti.”
Most of the time I’m big with the meaningless movie quotes, but every once in awhile a situation arises and allows me to reenact one of my more favorite film scenes.
This is a story of one of those moments.
First scene Fade In: I am on vacation in Cancun with a couple of friends. It’s 2003. These are the final years of me being single in my mid-40’s, because I am going to meet my wife within the next few months, although I obviously don’t know it yet.
It’s Mexico in August, so it’s mega-hot and full of tourists from all over the world. It’s the land of bar crawls, timeshare salesmen, people wearing thongs who shouldn’t, parasailing and shot girls pushing cheap tequila.
At our hotel, it looks like International Day at the House of Pancakes, with Americans being the definite minority. Pretty soon, we find ourselves partying with Brazilians, Peruvians, Australians, French, Spanish, even a few Ferengi and a random Bajoran. Since no one can speak the same language, people are communicating via hand gestures and buying each other rounds. Since it’s one of those all-inclusive resorts, the booze is free, but the gesture of acquiring alcohol for each other is universally well-received.
After a few days, we discover that the best spot is at one of the hotel’s in-pool bars. Drinking and standing in water is obviously a great attraction for people from all over the planet. These pool bars feature cement stools and each bar accommodates 8-10 damp revelers. As the day progresses, lime wedges, plastic cups and those little cocktail umbrellas start floating around the pool and accumulating in their filters, while bikini tops start falling off. No one is leaving to miss the fun, which means pretty much everyone must be urinating in the pool, but guess what—nobody cares!
After a few days imbibing in the various pool bars scattered all over the resort’s grounds, I begin to see particular trends in people’s behavior, depending on what part of the globe they hail from. As a rule, Africans are happy and laugh loudly at pretty much anything you say. Brazilians love life and it’s contagious. The Spaniards as a rule are very self-absorbed and somewhat aloof, but if you get them away from the pack, they’re very nice. Germans make you feel tolerated and the French fit nicely into their highly publicized stereotype—yes they’re rude, rude and more rude!
I had heard these things about the French before, but I chose not to believe them. It must just be one of those instances where a few bad apples give the whole country an unfair reputation for snarkiness. But in this situation, while on vacation many miles away from home, I can say--yes, indeed—it’s true. The French are snobby and their normal expression is one of disdain. Frowns and eye-rolling are their number one forms of exercise, when they’re not chain smoking or insulting people.
Well, back to the story. One afternoon I’m sucking down beers at the pool bar and this French guy (let’s call him Claude) is chatting up two pale cougars from Tennessee. The bar is packed and Claude is leaning all over me and keeps kicking me under the water. He turns back to me for a moment to ignore me. He has a scraggly beard that smells like stale cigarette smoke and there is a ripe scent surrounding him.
At one point, I go for a swim and then circle back to the bar. At this point, Claude has spread out and has basically claimed my seat.
“Uh, excuse me?” I inquire. “Hello?” I say to Claude’s back. “Hey! I was sitting there!”
Claude slowly turns around. “Wot iz it, you want?”
“I was sitting there.”
“Oh no, you left, you know?”
“Well, I’m back now.” I’m forcing a weak smile.
“I’m saving thiz spot for my friend, you know? You got up, you lose, you know?”
No, I don’t know and at this point, I’m really pissed. So, I just move my way back onto the stool.
Claude gives me a look and mutters something about me being just another pushy American. Get over it, I’m thinking.
So, he turns his back to me again and starts talking to the women from Tennessee. He’s chain smoking and sucking down free all-inclusive mixed drinks faster than the overworked bartender can pour them.
“Hey, bartender-faster, faster,” Claude barks. “I did not come here to wait for my booze!”
What a tool, I’m thinking. I’ve had enough of this clown at this point and I’m getting out of here. Why let this boorish individual taint my vacation for a millisecond?
But, before I can get up, Claude leans back and burns my arm with his cigarette.
At first, I can’t feel it, but then all of a sudden I start smelling singed hair. My arm is throbbing now.
“Hey, buddy, pal, friend, hello?” Claude is hoping I go away.
(Why do we address people in a familiar way when we’re actually upset with them? I should have said, “Hey asshole, douche bag, moron, hello?”)
“Wot izz it now?” Claude turns around with his signature eye-rolling frown.
“You burned me? Look!” Now there’s a huge welt on my upper arm.
“You made my cigarette all wet.” Claude says. “You ruined my cigarette!”
“What the…” Now, I even more shocked.
“Theze are very expensive Greek cigarettes,” Claude says. “But hopefully for you, I have more.” Evil smile.
I was speechless, which is rare.
Claude turns back to the two ladies and now my arm is really hurting.
So, I retreat, go back to the room and put some aloe and a band aid on the burn. I take a nap and then return to the pool. Unfortunately, Claude is still there, really drunk now and talking loudly to some Germans. I opt not to get in the pool, but in the interim I start watching Claude. He’s still yelling at the bartender, a poor local who is probably making $30 a day and now he’s spreading himself out all over the bar, bumping into people with his constant cigarette and not even saying “Ezcuss me.”
So, now I’m fuming and my mind is working. I’m trying not to let this guy get to me, but now he has. I want him to learn a lesson about basic manners, American-style.
Suddenly, I flash on a scene from one of my favorite Bill Murray movies.
(Stay tuned for Part #2)

The Dodgers are Saved!!

2011-04-21T10:27:00.001-07:00

Major League Baseball is taking the unusual step of wresting control of the Los Angeles Dodgers, a team recently paralyzed by its owners' bitter divorce. Thank God! A new day for the Dodgers started yesterday. Watch them now go on a long winning strike, unburdened by an owner who was running his team like a bad Denny’s franchise.
I’ve said for many years that you can fire your front office people, managers/coaches, and cut or trade all your players, but what happens when the team’s owner has to go? Examples over the years include the late Georgia Frontiere, (LA Rams); the late Marge Schott (Cincinnati Reds), Mark Cuban (Dallas Mavericks) and the late George Steinbrenner (NY Yankees.) All of the aforementioned owners ran into their own troubles all on their own—Schott was run out of baseball, Steinbrenner was suspended and Cuban has been fined more than just a few times for his boorish behavior and courtside antics.
Once among baseball's renowned franchises, the Dodgers have been consumed by infighting since Jamie McCourt filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage in October 2009; one week after her husband fired her as the team's chief executive. Frank McCourt accused Jamie of having an affair with her bodyguard-driver and performing poorly at work. It’s a sordid tale of adultery, selfishness and a prime example of the fact that just because some people are rich, it doesn’t logically mean they’re all that smart.
Selig told Frank McCourt he will appoint a trustee to oversee all aspects of the business and the day-to-day operations of the club. Frank McCourt, however, has retained Sullivan & Cromwell and was preparing to sue MLB, a baseball executive familiar with the situation told The Associated Press, speaking on condition of anonymity because McCourt had not made any statements.
"I have taken this action because of my deep concerns regarding the finances and operations of the Dodgers and to protect the best interests of the club," Selig said Wednesday in a statement.
A person familiar with Selig's thinking said the commissioner may choose to force a sale. The person spoke to the AP on the condition of anonymity because Selig's statement did not mention that.
In December, Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon in Los Angeles invalidated a March 2004 postnuptial agreement giving Frank McCourt sole ownership of the team, allowing Jamie to seek one half of the franchise.
Selig's move came after The Los Angeles Times reported this week that Frank McCourt had arranged a $30 million loan from Fox, the team's television partner. Selig has not approved a $200 million loan from Fox to the club, which was first proposed by the Dodgers last summer, and the Times said the money was needed to make payroll.
"As the 50 percent owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers, I welcome and support the commissioner's actions to provide the necessary transparency, guidance and direction for the franchise and for Dodgers fans everywhere," Jamie McCourt said in a statement.
Baseball officials could not recall another instance in modern times in which the commissioner's office seized control of a team from its owner. Before Tom Hicks sold the Rangers last year, Selig appointed MLB executive John McHale Jr. to monitor the Rangers but left Hicks in charge of the franchise.
Portions of this article courtesy of LA Times.

His Knows His Schmidt!

2011-04-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

Frederick Albert Schmidt (born February 9, 1916) is a former pitcher in Major League Baseball who played for three different teams between 1944 and 1947. He was born in Hartford, Connecticut. Listed at 6' 1", 185 lb., he batted and threw right-handed. Schmidt entered the majors in 1944 with the St. Louis Cardinals, playing for them one year before joining military service during World War II. In his rookie season, Schmidt went 7-3 with a 3.15 earned run average, two shutouts, and five saves to help his team to clinch the National League pennant. He also pitched 3.1 scoreless innings of relief in Game 3 of the 1944 World Series, won by the Cardinals over the St. Louis Browns in six games. After his discharge, Schmidt rejoined St. Louis in 1946 but he was not the same after that. He divided his playing time with the Cardinals, Phillies and Cubs in 1947, his last major league season. In a three-season career, Schmidt posted a 13-11 record with 98 strikeouts and a 3.75 ERA in 85 appearances, including 15 starts , three complete games, two shutouts, five saves, and 225.1 innings. Schmidt (95) is recognized as one of the oldest living major league ballplayers, and the oldest to have played for a World Series-winning team.

On the minors: I was pitching for a church team, a shop team, I was getting nice write-ups and the Cardinals sent me a letter in 1936. They asked if I would like to try out to be a ballplayer…just bring shoes and a glove at this field. And then the guy hung up when he says, “I’ll see ya.” I was working in a foundry, I was just a kid. I had to go to work because the depression was on and my folks were getting ready to lose their home and I had to get a job. I never went to high school. I graduated eighth grade and I had to hunt for a job to get my folks to get a couple of bucks coming in to hold on to the home. So I’m over there and there’s about 400 guys on this field. And they all want to be ballplayers because nobody was working. And naturally, with me getting these write-ups in the local papers, they said, “Schmitty, warm up and let’s see your fastball.” And I could hum them in there pretty good, I’ll tell ya, or they wouldn’t even look at you. And they said, after throwing two, “Where do you live?” I says, “So and so and my folks are there.” “Well, they gotta sign up for you.” And, I’ll tell you what, it was pitiful. They gave me $24 for staying out of work two days. Here’s what I got. Started in Class D in North Carolina for $75 a month. This is the way it used to be. Not only me going through this, a lot of other guys went through it. My first game pitching on the mound, I struck out 19 batters. And they said, “Oh my God, he’s another Dizzy Dean” and all that stuff, but I gradually crawled through the minor leagues of the Cardinals. From D to C to B to A and then finally got up to Rochester….You know how many minor leagues I played in? About 35…I always had four, 14, 15 wins and you move up a little bit and then you drop down again, oh my God. It was tough. I spent seven years in the minors with the Cardinals. Just going up here and there, here and there and going to spring training once in a while, coming back out. It was pitiful. There were only eight teams then in the National League. Oh my gosh, I’ll tell ya, I’ll tell ya. Oh, my God, when…you know, it was a funny…I’m gonna tell you a good story. When I was down in…they had in ’38, see ’37 is when I was…had them strikeouts and they thought the world of me and so they had all their best prospects. Down in ’38 they went ahead in Florida. And then they had the old Cardinal ball players showing us different things, how to slide and all that. So, I’m sitting with a new pair of baseball shoes on next to Pepper Martin. And he’s chewing tobacco and he spits on my new shoe. So I says, “Now what did you do that for?” He says, “Hey, kid, that’ll put a good shine on for me, you don’t have to worry about shining them anymore.” [laughs] Being a rookie, I had to keep my mouth shut…or you’re going to hell, you know? [laughs]

On Branch Rickey: Well, see I got married in 1940. And I was gradually making a better salary, you know, seeing since I was getting to be a better pitcher. But, yes, I got tired of it. I was thinking, gee, when am I going to get the, you know, get up there a little bit. And I wrote into Branch Rickey one time and I says, “Mr. Rickey, my mother says that if I can’t make more money than this I ought to go back to the factory job.” You know what he says to me? He said if that’s the way you feel, he says, well then go back to your factory job, knowing that I was dying to play baseball. See, that’s the answer I got from Rickey. Oh, he cheated more ballplayers out of a buck. He cheated men that were married in the minor leagues playing for starvation wages and had to pay their own hotel room when they were home, you know, at the home. You had to pay for all that, throw your wife in that and you were just about getting enough and then when the season’s over, you’d hurry up home and get a job someplace to get you through the winter. You didn’t make anything.

On playing during WW2 (and the 1944 Cardinals): So finally, after Rochester, I figured they wouldn’t have any baseball on account of the war but Roosevelt said we’re going to play baseball and we’re going to…for the people that are working, they have to have some enjoyment, so I says to the superintendent at this job, I says Mr. Briggs (?), I’m sorry but I’m going to leave to go play baseball. He says, “You’re taking a chance, they’re going to draft you.” I said, “That’s all right, then they’ll get me at my baseball.” We got through, I got through the summer, I got through the summer, made the World Series in ’44 and then just before Christmas I finally was drafted. There was a lot of them drafted, you know, but there was a lot of them that missed, too. I was the first reliever, but you didn’t need relief and then we had starting pitchers that went nine innings. Mort Cooper, Harry The Cat Brecheen, Ted Wilks, Red Munger and Max Lanier, those were the starting pitchers. They went nine innings. They didn’t go five. I was the number one reliever. See because (manager) Billy Southworth did pitch me. And now here’s something. Southworth says to me one day, “Schmitty, I know you was always the starting pitcher in your minor leagues.” He said, “Max Lanier’s elbow is sore, could you start tomorrow?” I says, well, I’ve only been going two or three innings. I says, sure, I’d be glad to. I went nine innings, I pitched a shutout. Against the Giants. So here comes all the writers into the clubhouse. Where the hell you been all the time? I says, out in the bullpen sitting there and waiting. So Southworth says, I’m the starting pitcher from now on. Five days later, Pittsburgh comes in, Preacher Roe’s pitching against me. I’m starting again. And Frankie Frisch is the manager. And I pitch another shutout. And I got two hits off of Preacher. Max Lanier’s elbow got well in a hurry, because you know what they do, they ship you to the minor leagues. They could do that then. They could send you to the minor leagues anytime they wanted to. I’ll tell you what. When you’ve played in St. Louis in the middle of the summer, a doubleheader on a Sunday, that was murder. 120 on the field. The ballplayers used to come in from the heat and they said they could give it back to the Indians as we hate to play here. We were always glad when we’d go to Chicago and get some air again so we can live and breathe again. Honest to God, because the Browns played there too, the ballpark was rough as hell. Marty Marion used to be picking up little pebbles here and there.

On the 1944 World Series: Ted Wilks started the third game, he’s going good and then about the third inning, I guess, they got about five straight hits so Southworth waves to me in the bullpen, “Get ready, get ready!” I threw about four or five pitches, he calls me in. See, I’m walking in…they didn’t run in those days. While I’m walking in, half the people in St. Louis are for the Browns and half are for the Cardinals. So when I start walking in, they says, you know my name is Schmidt, they say, “Rowse-Schmidt-Shmidt” (?) So I’m hearing all that stuff but I was used to it, that didn’t bother me no more. And you just warm up and then I did pitch that, and Southworth says load the bases and I threw a curve ball to Cooper. And I think he could have blocked it but it bounced against him and got away and a run scored from third base. But they had already had three off of Wilks. So anyway, then I pitched the rest…three and a third innings, no hitting. I did a good job. I batted once and then they brought in (Al) Jurisich to relieve me…but we did lose the game.

On Eddie Dyer, who replaced Southworth as St. Louis manager in 1946: We had about four guys sitting in the bullpen. See, with Eddie Dyer, he was the manager. He played favoritism, played favoritism too much. He had all these guys in the minor leagues that were down in Houston where Eddie managed. And he would favor them more than the other guys like me. So, you sit, I didn’t do much pitching in ’46. So I told (St. Louis owner Sam) Breadon during the wintertime at a hot stove meeting they had, “I’d like to be traded”. He said, “What do you want to be traded for? We’re a championship ball club.” I says, “I’m not pitching, I’m not getting a decent record to get a raise or anything.” “Oh, don’t worry about that,” he says. “We’ll get in there and we’ll be in the World Series, you’ll make some money.” I thought to myself, yeah, it’s not very much. So anyway, he says, “Get down to spring training with good feelings.” See? So I get down there in St. Petersburg, and there’s Eddie Dyer. He says, “Schmitty, what do you mean by telling them that I play favoritism too much?” I says, “Well, you do! You got all these guys that played for you at Houston in the minor leagues, I says, “I’m sitting out there…” He said, “You feel that way?” I said, “Yes! I want to leave, I want to get with somebody else.” He says, “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll get you a lot of pitching.” Yeah, he gave me a lot of pitching. Three other guys and I sat out in the bullpen, Red Barrett and Howard Krist, we never did any pitching. He used to use his own, I ain’t going to mention the names. But the favoritism was there, see? inally, Harry Walker and I were finally traded to the Phillies. And Harry Walker went over there and he led the National League in hitting.

On Ben Chapman and Jackie Robinson: Oh, we were fighting the Civil War every day in the clubhouse. Oh, my God, you know what (the Southerners on the Cardinal roster) did? They threw a chunk of watermelon on the field and they threw a black cat on the field and that first night Harry Walker and I and Chapman had the meeting and he says, “Whatever you do, when you go to your car tonight, make sure you’re with a buddy in the parking lot.” He says, “We’re going to have trouble because of the night before, what when on and the colored people were in a ruffle.” What they did to Jackie…it was pitiful what that poor guy took. I don’t want to get in wrong with these Southern ballplayers because a lot of them are good boys but it was still there and they gave him a going over. Oh my God, what they called him was pitiful. I never talked to (Robinson) but he came over to our dugout after what went on the night before…Chapman was standing on the top step and he was holding a bat and they wanted to get Jackie over to smooth things over. And he says, “You know, Jackie? Good ballplayer but you’re still a nigger to me.” And I heard all this stuff….What could he do? Jackie was told not to say anything because they’re gonna call you everything in the book, they’re gonna slide into you, try to hurt ya, try to hurt ya. And they said, you can’t fight back, Jackie, if you do the fans are gonna get on ya, goodbye negro baseball. You gotta keep your mouth shut. And he took it for two years. What they did to him. The only trouble I ever had with a man in baseball was Ben Chapman. I never hit it off with him….He was the worst. I played ball down south with a lot of nice people, and my first wife was a southerner. But this guy here was a real rebel, Chapman. He had trouble wherever he played. He was a troublemaker. Now, we were in the Polo Grounds and we’re playing the Giants and these big Jewish guys, they had nice box seats right behind our dugout. And they were riding us a little bit, which they do, they call ya, ‘ay a bunch of bums,’ which you don’t care, as long as you don’t swear at ya. And…this big Jew reaches over (to Chapman), he says, “Hey! We spent $100,000 to get you out of the American League and we’d get you out of this league, too.” And Chapman crawled back in the dugout and I’m movin’ in the corner and pull my head down, I says, “Good, good” to myself. Good, you son of a bitch…. You want to knock him on his ass but you can’t because as soon as you said anything they shipped you to the minors. There was no protection. See, they gotta a union now, they got a little a bit of a protection.

On the Mexican League’s intrusion in 1946: Mexico was trying to start baseball down there. And some of them were jumping down there because these Mexicans were handing out big money to them. See, hear, come on down and play in Mexico and we’ll give you a lot more money. Three of the Cardinals jumped down there. Two of them jumped from the Giants jumped….And anyway, they finally got down there and there was a guy in a hotel in St. Louis, I don’t want to mention his name, but in comes these three Mexicans with a black suitcase and they say, “So and so, let’s go up to your room and…we got something to show you.” All right. Okay. I know what it’s all about. We went up to the room, they opened up the bag and dumped all this money on the bed and they said. This will be all yours, we have more if you come down to Mexico. The guy says to me, “What do you think, Schmitty?” I says, if you’re going, I’m going because I’m sure in hell ain’t making much. But, anyway, he told them wait ‘til I talk to the manager. I wanna let it lie for a couple of days. Finally, he was told…”Don’t go, you’re going to be a star one day.”

On the 1946 World Series: See, what happened, when we played the first two games in St. Louis in the World Series. Rudy York hit a home run in the first game. Harry Breechen came and won the second game. So we get on the train, we didn’t fly then, we took trains, you know. Train all the way to Boston and we pull into the hotel there, I forgot what the hell that name was, but anyway, right outside of Fenway Park. And these guys, couple of these guys that were groundskeepers, they were staying in this hotel and they were sitting there mingling with the ballplayers and talking about Ted Williams. You know what that Ted does? He goes out early in the morning just when it’s getting light and he shoots the damn pigeons out of the rafters. They’re up there, they’re (pooping) in the seats. See, so when he come up to the plate, he would be facing, we were in the third base dugout, but I was out in the bullpen but I could see what they were doing. When he’d come up, they would grab bats and they said, “Hey, Ted. They’re up there.” And he said, “Ah, go to hell, you…” But you know what? He was a big flop in the series. He let them down, oh my God.

On Enos Slaughter’s Mad Dash: I think he might have had a hit-and-run on with Harry. See, Dominic (DiMaggio) was playing the outfield but he hurt his ankle and he a new centerfielder in and he was kind of slow getting to the ball. Walker hit the ball over the, you know, it’s kind of past in the shortstop section. And it was going out there and this guy was slow getting to it and here goes Slaughter ‘round second, third base runs on Mike Gonzalez is holding him up, holding him up he went right by him like a freight train. And (Boston shortstop Johnny) Pesky turns around, the guy threw the ball…finally threw the ball to Pesky, nobody helped Pesky, they should have yelled, “Home, Home” or something, see? I guess Pesky figured he’s gotta be at third base, you know…well, here he’s going home and he’s sliding and Pesky tried to throw with a short arm, he didn’t have the full arm throw, and it…lousy throw up there and Slaughter slid in there to win the World Series for us.

On meeting another guy named Schmidt for the Phillies, Mike Schmidt: When we were (at a Phillies’ old-timer function), my wife says get that Schmitty over here. So I call, I says “Mike, come over here. My wife wants to have a picture taken with you.” So I stood by him and one of the old ballplayers says, “Hey, Mike. That guy could be your father.” Mike says, “Maybe he is my father!”

On his World Series rings: I had my ’44, my stepson, see I was married before then, I adopted the boy. And he used to wear this ’44 ring and I told my wife, I said, don’t let him wear that, somebody’s going to steal that. She says, “No, he can take care…” Well, he went deep-sea diving for coins down in Florida and he was told not to because his heart wasn’t that strong. Well, he went down and he passed away….Oh, young boy, maybe 18…And somebody took the ring off his finger and goodbye.

My 2011 MLB Picks!

2011-03-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

Baseball season starts next week, so here are my fearless predictions. Read these again in late October for a good laugh, because last season I picked the Boston Red Sox to win it all, and they didn't get into the playoffs. I am picking the Red Sox again to win the World Series in 2011, but I haven't been right since 1989, when I picked the Oakland A's to capture the crown. Since then I'm oh-for-21 and still searching for winners!

My MLB 2011 Predictions

National League
NL West: Colorado Rockies
NL East: Philadelphia Phillies
NL Central: Milwaukee Brewers
Wild Card: Atlanta Braves
NL Champion: Philadelphia Phillies

American League
AL West: Angels of Los Angeles
AL East: Boston Red Sox
AL Central: Detroit Tigers
Wild Card: Tampa Bay Rays
AL Champion: Boston Red Sox
MLB Champs: Boston Red Sox

2011 Award Winners
National League
MVP: Carlos Gonzalez, Colorado Rockies
Cy Young: Ray Halladay, Philadelphia Phillies
Rookie of the Year: Aroldis Chapman, Cincinnati Reds
Comeback Player of the Year: Chipper Jones, Atlanta Braves
Slugger of the Year: Ryan Howard, Philadelphia Phillies
Closer of the Year: Brian Wilson, San Francisco Giants

American League
MVP: Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Rays
Cy Young: Justin Verlander, Detroit Tigers
Rookie of the Year: Jeremy Hellickson, Tampa Bay Rays
Comeback Player of the Year: Joe Nathan, Minnesota Twins
Slugger of the Year: Adrian Gonzalez, Boston Red Sox
Closer of the Year: Jose Valverde, Detroit Tigers

Why is She Crying?

2011-03-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

I was driving in this crazed city the other day and it was raining yet again.
“Oh, she’s crying,” I said
A woman was crossing the street, tears rolling down her cheeks. Her eyes were red and puffy and she wasn’t trying to hide the fact.
“Poor thing,” I thought. I hate to see people crying, especially kids and women.
“If she’s crying, it means she’s alive,” my passenger in the car said.
“What does that mean? I asked.
“Well, if you’re crying, it means you’re real.”
“But, I wonder why she’s crying?”
“Probably some guy dumped her.”
“Why do you assume that?”
“Cause guys suck.”
“How can you be so sure?” I inquired.
“Because I’ve been there and those tears are saying, some jerk just dumped me!”
“What if she lost her job or someone died?”
“That isn’t the type of crying she’s doing. That’s breakup crying.”
“How can you be so certain? You don’t have much faith in the male race do you?”
“We always know when another one from the clan got dumped. And she just got dumped.”
“Maybe she got eliminated from American Idol,” I said. “Or maybe she’s a Cleveland Cavaliers fan? Or she feels bad for Charlie Sheen? Or she was a big supporter of Qaddafi? Who knows?”
“Maybe she’s clairvoyant and she overheard this conversation before we had it. That would make her cry. And why do we waste our time with these dumb conversations anyway?”
“It sure beats talking about our own lives, doesn’t it?”
We laughed and agreed to something…finally.
(Oh, I forgot my passenger’s name in this article—it’s Steve.)

My Mutt is Going for the Gold!

2011-02-22T14:43:00.001-08:00

Some people have called our Chihuahua mix Ratdog ugly, but others say he’s endearing. There is a very fine line between gorgeous and hideous. Just look at some super models without makeup. My publisher Susan suggested that I enter Ratdog in the World’s Ugliest Dog Contest, held every year during the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma. This year is their 23rd annual and the first prize is $1,000, which comes with the coveted Ugly Trophy and a year-round modeling contract from House of Dog (which also comes with another $1,000!) It’s Ratdog’s chance to earn some money to pay us back for all the vet bills, treats, doggy toys and food—because although he weighs only 16 lbs. the dog can eat!

Last year, Princess Abby--a Chihuahua with a missing eye, mismatched ears, stooped over like a frightened cat and with a strange walk due to the fact that her back legs are longer than her front--won the 2010 contest out of a field of 25 dogs, the crème de la crème of the ugliest dogs from all over the world.

Ratdog is a rescue who came to us through a bizarre chain of events. His first owner, a friend of mine who has been dead for six years now, gave him to the Humane Society, where I randomly discovered him and saved him with just days before he was headed for the doggy gallows. Ratdog is deaf and yips and yaps all the time at vibrations, like garbage trucks, motorcycles or the wind.

Some people think I named him after the Grateful Dead Bob Weir’s band, but I named him Ratdog because he resembles a large white rodent. He actually looks more like an opossum. For a while I thought of naming him Pogo, but no one would understand the connection, so Ratdog it is.

Ratdog was evidently starved at one point during his life. Consequently, he’s more food-centric than any animal I’ve ever seen. Have you ever witnessed hyenas gorging uncontrollably on Animal Planet? Ratdog consumes things most pooches won’t even sniff – like garlic, tangerines, bleu cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, skate, prawn tails and live snails. He especially loves the “pope’s nose” of a roast chicken. He eats bones completely. As of last year, he stopped eating foie gras, out of respect for the ducks he encounters once in awhile at the park.

He loves to be cradled in your arms like an infant, but only by people he knows really well. If another dog tries to mess with him, Ratdog will bite the offending mutt without hesitation. He’s a tough little guy.

He’s older now, probably more than 100 years in canine years. But he still loves his walks, although he has his limits. When we walk past our gate after the first leg of our standard half hour walk, Ratdog stops and plants his dirty little discolored paws in the sidewalk. His walk is over and he’s not going another step. He looks so pleased when I retreat back to home, opening the gate and ending our walk short.

For some reason, Ratdog is also very popular, especially with the ladies. One female friend of mine actually tried to buy him from us for $500! She was writing the check. Can you believe it? My question is: Why are people so attracted to this ugly little mutt? What is it that makes him so darn endearing? Everybody who knows me is always asking about him – How’s Ratdog? What’s up with Ratdog? Why didn’t you bring Ratdog? They rarely ask me about our other dog Shelly.

What is the attraction? Maybe because he really is the ultimate underdog. His bark is so annoying it makes you want to scream. He’s not particularly attractive. He’s licked his front paws so many times over the years that they’re orange-colored. He’s always a tad stinky, even right after a bath. He’s got “death breath” 24/7 and before we had to pull all his teeth, they were always a shade of light brown.

Last year, my wife and I made a 5-minute movie for a short-film contest here in San Francisco. It was called “Our Last Dinner with Ratdog” and starred you-know-who. The finished product was terrible, it hurts us just to watch it now, but Ratdog was great. Doing the movie was a learning experience to say the least. When we did the film, half the crew was drunk, my spouse got into it with the director and the entire process cost me major bucks I didn’t have. But, Ratdog was awesome. He hit his mark every time and was a real trooper. You can see the film on youtube.com, but if you covet five minutes of your life, pass. It’s the Heaven’s Gate of short dog films.

So, stay tuned, as this stinky little mutt hopes to cash in on his ugliness. Everyone--human or animal has that one thing to share with the world—and Ratdog has his looks, or lack of them!

Are You Ready for Paws for Laughter?

2010-12-15T08:07:00.001-08:00

Paws for Laughter is a Comedy Standup Fundraiser for San Francisco’s Rocket Dog Rescue, to be held on Saturday night, January 15th, 8 pm at Fort Mason’s Southside Theater in San Francisco and starring co-headliners Jeff Applebaum and Steven Pearl. Also appearing are Josh Applebaum, Coree Spencer, Max Curry, Sam Obeid and special guests. Tickets are $30 each and available by calling (415) 994-5335 or buying online at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/. Doors open at 7 pm.

Steven Pearl is a well-respected comedian whose been compared to a tornado on hyper drive. His high-energy comedy act is both outrageous and hysterically original. Born in Far Rockaway, New York, and raised on Long Island, Steven Pearl has been performing stand-up comedy professionally since 1979. He began his stand-up career in such prestigious NYC comedy clubs as "Catch A Rising Star" and "The Improv", moving to San Francisco in 1979. In San Francisco he immersed himself in the comedy scene and was often performing seven nights a week. By 1985, he found himself opening for the then up and coming L.A. based comic Sam Kinison. He eventually discovered a comedian could only go so far in San Francisco and moved on to Los Angeles in 1987.Some of his many credits include writing for and working with such comedic legends as Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams and Rodney Dangerfield. A true journeyman comic, Steven Pearl continues to push the envelope of both good taste and sanity.
Comic Jeff Applebaum is a New York native who has finally learned how to speak English after living in California for 19 years. Jeff’s clean comedy act examines his particular life experiences, which include being the only white kid on his Little League team in Queens, having a Chinese wife who orders from take-out menus in fluent Mandarin, and raising a pre-teen son who calls himself “Jewnese,” because he says it sounds better than “Chine-ish.”

Jeff recently made his national TV debut on CBS as a comedian on the "Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and was cast to play classic comic Joey Bishop, in the long-running musical tribute "The Rat Pack Is Back," in San Francisco, Chicago, and Las Vegas. Jeff is also credited and appears in the blockbuster film "The Pursuit of Happyness," starring Will Smith.
Rocket Dog Rescue is an all-volunteer nonprofit group dedicated to saving homeless and abandoned animals from euthanasia in overcrowded Bay Area shelters. Rocket Dog Rescue places non-aggressive dogs into temporary foster homes where they are socialized, spay/neutered, vaccinated, and treated for any medical or behavioral conditions which would otherwise limit their adoptability. The organization then actively seeks out permanent quality homes for these deserving animals through our volunteer network, online adoption page, weekend adoption fairs, and neighborhood poster campaigns.

Founded in 2001 by Bay Area animal activist Pali Boucher, Rocket Dog Rescue is a 501-C3 nonprofit corporation supported completely by donations. Their all-volunteer, home-based organization guarantees that your donations are completely focused on saving dogs.

November is a Month of Great Art, Film, T-Shirts, Animation & Music with Andrew Dolan & The Good Sams

2010-10-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

Andrew Dolan is a multi-talented artist, illustrator, t-shirt designer, band front man, musician, filmmaker, songwriter and animator. In his just 28 years on the planet, Dolan has pursued his creative side tirelessly literally since birth and now he’s happy to share his music and images with the world once more.
And that’s why Dolan is converting the old post office building in his hometown Moss Landing, Calif. into a performance space and an art gallery called Surf Hound Studios, to display his animation, present a film he’s produced and rock the house with his three-member country/old-time classic band, The Good Sams.
The Good Sams are releasing Dead Sam’s Music Double Feature, their first record on November 20th with a party where half of the $10 door admission will go to Baby Mathew, a local child who has Leukemia.

It’s an exciting time for Dolan for many reasons, he explained. “In a nutshell, I am going public with my art studio! We’re creating a great space for art at the old post office building here in Moss Landing. We’re providing a creative environment for the community to gather and it just so happens to be a working artist space.

Dolan has assembled a very busy schedule of art, film and music in November. “We’ll be hosting an open mic night every Tuesday night in November. On Friday nights we’ll be for screening classic cinema of the cult classic variety. We’ll kick it off starting with Faster Pussy Cat! Kill! Kill! on November 5th and further screenings are yet to be announced. In addition, Surf Hound Studio will also act as a store front for my t-shirt business, which I founded with local artist, surfer and skateboarder Luke Braddock in 2008. We’ll be selling our original Moss Landing t-shirts and other designs of the fashionably progressive sort, as well as limited edition posters, flip books, and a whole lot of Surf Cartoon Art from the animation. And of course The Good Sams will be playing on Nov. 20 at our first record release party. Bring a camera to capture some of the freakish sights, because you’ll have to see them to believe them!”

What was the genesis of his art exhibit, we asked Dolan. “My paintings are essentially large stand ups of characters I created for my animation initially featured on FuelTV,” Dolan said. “My creations, including Bad Bob, The Kook, the Naked Mermaid, the Shark, and the Octopus. Works will include original hand-painted frames from my animation. Also, life-size wood cut outs of the characters in my movie will be on hand. Since before The Good Sams first formed as a band, My main artistic influences have been Jim Phillips, Rick Griffin, R. Crumb, and Dr. Seuss.”

How do you describe the music played by The Good Sams? “The punk thing usually gives old-time music a bad rap,” Dolan explained. “People want to classify it as cow punk, or psychobilly, or something lame. But our punk is in our hearts, so we don’t like it to be categorized. It’s 100% original, but our sound is what we call classic early country. Some folks have said we remind them of Bob Wills, Django, Johnny Cash, Emmett Miller hybrid, and that’s very flattering, of course, to put us in the same sentence with those musical legends. Major contributions on the record came from local top names in bluegrass, including Darryl Cornell (lead guitar) and Peter Hicks (fiddle and mandolin).”

Let’s meet the members of The Good Sams, as described by Dolan:
Andrew Dolan: “I write the songs. I am 28 now, and I’ve been writing music and lyrics since I was 18. My dad, Phillip Burgess, was an artist and a musician. He wasn’t around while I was growing up. My mom realized quickly that I had the same talent my father possessed, so she always encouraged me to play music. I wasn’t too into it at the time, so I didn’t nurture that part of my art. I think I just wanted to surf all the time at that period in my life. I hadn’t seen my dad for over a decade, until one day when he showed up on our doorstep, bearing hand-carved hope chests. He asked if I had a guitar. I did, an old Gibson that my mom salvaged from a junked car on my grandpa’s junk yard. That guitar has a bunch of names carved into it, and the neck is bent. My father tuned it up, sang, and finger picked the opening lines of Momma Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys. His voice was a sound that I was looking for in my music, and I wanted to sound like my dad from that moment on. I’ve been finger-picking, writing songs, and singing ever since, and that was 10 years ago. I graduated from Cal-State University Monterey Bay (CSUMB) in May 2010 with a film degree, and the Dead Sams Music was my thesis project.”

Corey Helgeson: “Corey, 26, is our bass player. We knew each other for years because we both surf and live in the same town. We finally discovered that he plays stand up bass, and we both gravitate toward the same old time American music, as well as 80’s punk. We jammed one time to see if it was cool and we’ve been playing original old time music together ever since. Corey makes surfboards for a living and he’s a great member of The Good Sams.”

George Brooks: “He joined the band for Halloween in 2007. George plays a mean peddle steel guitar and we wanted that honky tonk sound for our act, so we’re pleased that we found him. He’s pretty old, I think, uh, sixty or something, but he’s extremely cool and my neighbor.”

Sunshine Jackson: “She’s a great backup singer and a percussionist for the band. She also provided voices for my animation. Sunshine is also a long-time member of a very popular band in Monterey, Calif. called DTR.”

Upcoming important dates for Andrew Dolan and The Good Sams:

Sunday, October 31st
KPIG Radio: 107.5 FM
11 am
The Good Sams will be performing their Halloween song

Friday, November 12th
KZSC Radio: 88.1 FM
8 am

Saturday, November 13th
Moss Landing Chamber Of Commerce
8071 Moss Landing Rd.
Moss Landing, CA 95039
noon-5 pm
The Baby Mathew Event!

Saturday, November 20th
Surf Hound Studios
Old Post Office Building, Moss Landing Strip
7981 Moss Landing Rd.
Moss Landing, CA 95039
6 pm to 9 pm
Admission: $10
$5 of cover goes to Baby Mathew with Leukemia.
Surf Hound Studio's doors are opening on November 2nd.

Saturday, November 20th
Old Post Office Building, Moss Landing Strip
7981 Moss Landing Road
Moss Landing, CA 95039
6 pm-9 pm
Surf Hound Studio
Double Feature Release Party!

20 Minutes with Martina

2010-10-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

I had a chance to talk with Martina Navratilova for 20 minutes the other day to plug an upcoming charity fundraiser starring Martina and Gigi Fernandez. I called her in Paris and at first I thought oops--maybe I caught her on a bad day.

“You’re late,” she said.

(I was exactly one minute late—I forgot to dial the international code. So, I did what I always do—diffuse an awkward moment with some humor)

“I write for a publication called The Marina Times in San Francisco, and my editor told me that if I can get a good interview with you, maybe they can change the name to The Martina Times.”

(She laughed. Whew, I thought)

Q: It seems like you do a ton of fundraising for PETA and so many other organizations. Is it almost like a full-time job?
A: Yes, it could be if I said yes to everything. The key is to say no sometimes because there is only one me and you can only do so much and then I have to pay the rent. I have to pick my spots, so I stick with things that I believe in and work with causes I want to be involved in and that make sense to me.

Q: We recently watched Unmatched, the ESPN 30 30 documentary about your lifelong friendship and rivalry with Chris Evert and it’s a wonderful documentary. Can you think of a rivalry in professional sports that is anything even close to the one that existed for so many years between you and Chrissy?
A: I can’t think of one. Writers have mentioned Ali and Frazier, but they only fought against each other three times total? Ted Williams and DiMaggio, but they never really faced each other. Palmer and Nicklaus in golf, for instance? I can’t think of one close to what we went through, because we were #1 and #2 in the world and then we would switch, so there isn’t anything else like that, I think.

Q: You had a trainer for a while who told you not to be so chummy with Evert, because she was the enemy, correct?
A: Yes, Nancy Lieberman was my trainer for a while and she was so competitive that she told me, “Chrissy has something you want and you just can’t be hanging out with her and being all buddy buddy.” And she was wrong about that, but in the end I learned that I did play differently against friends; I was nicer. It was like I didn’t mind losing against my friends. It was telling myself, “Hey, it was Chris who beat me—it’s not that bad.” I needed to get that killer instinct, but I think that Nancy Lieberman took it too far and Chrissy and I were able to find a nice balance eventually. Chris herself had a hard time being close to me, and she had to stop playing doubles with me, because once I started beating her, she didn’t want to hang out with me either. First it came from her and then I started backing off as well. Then we became closer after we quit playing, because then we weren’t competing against each other. Even in the heart of competition, we never lost the empathy and respect that we had for each other.

Q: You were on the reality show, I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here and you lost to somebody named Joe Swash?
A: Well, I didn’t actually lose. I finished second out of 12 people. There are so many so-called celebrities out there due now to these reality shows. It’s kind of bizarre. Look at this flight attendant who slid out of a plane, now he’s getting his own show. Today, you can be famous just for being famous. It’s called “instant celebrity”. I get calls all the time to be on reality shows, but I haven’t found one I want to do. Dancing with the Stars has been recruiting me, but I can’t do those high heels and I just don’t see myself dressed up like that. It’s just not me. The Apprentice would be fun, but they offered me such little money to be on it. I don’t need to be on TV that bad.

Q: I also read somewhere that you’re a pescatarian, which means you only eat fish for your animal protein?
A: I also eat some meat now, but only very little. I was a total vegetarian for seven years and then I discovered that my body was screaming for animal protein, so I started eating meat, but only as little as possible. Your body chemistry changes as you get older and I want to get back to the point of not eating meat again, but not right now I eat primarily fish. I won’t eat lobster because I’ve seen them alive in the water, and I don’t want to kill them. They have to live so long to get to a decent size and I just feel guilty about it.

Q: Speaking of lobster, you played for the Boston Lobsters, a Women TeamTennis Association team in the ‘70s. Why hasn’t team tennis be a success in this country?
A: Well, I think because people still see tennis as an individual sport. I loved playing on a team and I thought it was good for the spectators to see so many different top players in 1.5 hours. You don’t get to witness that in a standard tournament format. Then, the fans get to see the same players playing week after week, so they build a bond with the members of their team. In a tournament, after two days three quarters of the field is gone, and if you didn’t get tickets to the finals, you’re out of luck. I don’t really know why team tennis hasn’t taken, other than maybe people don’t see tennis as a team sport. I do remember that the money wasn’t that great. I made $60,000 for the season for 40 matches. We were grossly underpaid. Players get more for first round doubles today!

Q: I know you’ve been on The Howard Stern radio show more than once and you’re a good friend with Robin Quivers. Have you gotten heat from your management or from the public for being on that show?
A: Not really. Robin is a friend of mine and I have a standing offer to be on the show. Howard is very respectful of me on the show. He’s very bright and says exactly what he feels. I wasn’t worried, because I knew I could hold my own with him. I respect the man and in many ways, we agree politically.

Q: I read somewhere that a tennis writer chose you as the #2 best tennis women’s player of all time behind Steffi Graff. I found that surprising. Don’t people pretty much consider you as the greatest female tennis player of all time?
A: Most do, but it will always be debated, just like the debate on the men’s side. Not everyone will love me and that’s just fine. I’m not all concerned about how writers or anyone else sees my career, because I’m happy to have made a living playing the game I love, and that’s enough for me. Awards and recognition are nice, but really in the end, it all about how you acted and what you achieved.

Q: What is your favorite Czech food?
A: Anything with mushrooms in them is my favorite, especially truffles. White truffles are coming into season right now and I love them.

Ratdog 2.0

2010-09-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

My little Chihuahua mix Ratdog was evidently not feeling well one evening in August. Initially, we just thought the deaf little yapper had indigestion. But, when he couldn’t walk the next morning, things become serious rather quickly.

“Call the vet right now!” my wife exclaimed. But, our normal vet had a full schedule, so we jumped online. The first name we found when Googling was the San Francisco Pet Hospital on Fulton Street. “Can we bring our dog down immediately?” we inquired and they said “Yes!”Luckily an appointment fell through, and we were able to race the ailing mutt to the clinic post haste.

That was our lucky day, because we ran into Dr. Jessica Hunter, an amazing veterinarian who gave us the facts quickly and kept us informed throughout the process. She was calm while we freaked out by the fact that we could lose our little friend, and that was key because she placated us and focused on the situation at hand without getting emotional.

Money is always a concern when it comes to your pet’s health and it’s always part of the job, according to Dr. Hunter, and in this case it was a major issue with us. Do we drop significant money on this very old dog, or is it time to make a tough decision and go Doggy Kevorkian on the animal?

“Financial considerations are always a major deal, especially during a recession,” Dr. Hunter said. “I give people options so they can decide for themselves. In a perfect world, I want to do as much as I can for the animal, but if people can’t afford that, we can sit down and figure out an alternative if it exists. Hopefully, I can help them with their decisions, so that we all agree on how to treat their pet.”

Dr. Hunter gave us options, which is the best way to go with people like us who aren’t wealthy. “Some clients say do whatever you can to help the animal and others tell us what their budget is. We want people to be comfortable and 100% onboard for what we’re doing. I will present them with what I believe is the best scenario and then we can trim it down if it’s necessary.”

What was Ratdog’s prognosis? “He was profoundly dehydrated and he couldn’t stand,” Dr. Hunter explained.”He had a major oral infection and what I would describe as a raging urinary infection as a result of his decaying teeth. When we got his blood work back, we saw that he had a very high white cell count. The little guy was fighting the major infections. And his kidney numbers were elevated. It appeared as though his kidneys were failing, but we felt as though he might still have an outside chance to make a comeback.”

How close was our beloved mutt close to passing onto doggy heaven? “I would say 24-36 hours,” Dr. Hunter said. “He was basically dying. It looked bad, but he’s a tough little guy and he got in here with little time to spare. Infections such as these can progress quickly, so if you see your dog acting strange or slowing down, get the animal to a vet fast.”

We thought he was a goner, but by hydrating him and getting antibiotics in his system fast, Ratdog rallied and miraculously came back 100%, thanks to the great work by Dr. Hunter and all of the people at SF Pet Hospital.

Dr. Hunter is a 2008 graduate of the UC Davis Veterinary School and she’s been working for a little more than one year for the SF Pet Hospital. She lives in the Mission with Nena, her German Shepherd Husky mix. The SF Pet Hospital has been around since 1900, making it one of the oldest pet hospitals of its kind in the state. Dr. Lee Morris DVM has been running the hospital since 1980 and Dr. Robert Leyba DVM joined the team in 2004.

As Ratdog’s owners, we were obviously a little shocked and upset at the prospect of losing our old friend, but Dr. Hunter said the right things to sooth our nerves and get us on the same page. “People at vet school used to say, ‘we want to work with animals—not people,’” Dr. Hunter said. “But, that’s not the reality of the profession. You have to work with animals and their owners, so you need to learn how to do both.”

How to deal with dog and cat owners is a touchy subject, especially when people are concerned and scared to lose their pets, Dr. Hunter explained. “You can’t talk over their heads by laying a bunch of medical jargon on them they won’t understand and overwhelm them. And on the other hand, you don’t want to talk down to people either. So, it’s a fine line, made worse by stress and uncertainty.”

Amazing vets like Dr. Hunter save animals’ lives every day and never ask for praise, because it’s just part of the job. Ratdog is better than ever and he might just live to be 120. Since his comeback, he’s more annoying, yippy and under foot than ever—we’re calling him Ratdog 2.0—and we couldn’t be more indebted to this doctor who stepped up to keep this little ugly mutt on the planet and gave him a chance to pass on to Canine Heaven the right way—of old age, hopefully many years from now.

Maury Wills Stole the League in the 1960's

2010-09-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

Maury Wills was a switch-hitting batter, slick fielding shortstop, base stealing phenomenon who played prominently with the Los Angeles Dodgers(1959–66, 1969–72) and also with the Pittsburgh Pirates (1967–68) and Montreal Expos (1969). He was an essential component of the Dodgers' championship teams in the mid-1960s, and deserves much credit for reviving the stolen base as part of baseball strategy. In a 14-season career, Wills batted .281 with 20 home runs, 458 runs batted in, 2,134 hits, 1,067 runs, 177 doubles, 71 triples, and 586 stolen bases in 1942 games. He is a seven-time all-star and in 1962. As of 2009, Wills is a member of the Los Angeles Dodgers organization serving as a representative of the Dodgers Legend Bureau.

One player changed his life: “My high school was full of great runners; really fast guys who were much faster than me. They stuck me in the middle of their four-man relays, but I wasn’t fast enough to anchor. I played every sport, but baseball was always my favorite. Then one day everything changed when a professional baseball player showed up on our playground and he was from the Washington Senators. We didn’t know anything about the Washington Senators. No word ever got in or out of the projects back in those days. But this man had a nice uniform on, color coordinated with the piping down the sides of his pants; his shoes were clean and were shined up real nice; he had belt loops and he was well-groomed with clear eyes and he was white. How he made it to our neighborhood I’ll never know. And we were like—wow, before this we used to idolize the guys in our neighborhood who played on the weekends, they called them semi-pros. They all had mismatched uniforms on. Argyle socks under their stirrups. And they all had a half pint of whiskey in their back pockets and they looked like they hadn’t slept all week. They were our heroes and we wanted to grow up to be just like them. We figured if we grew up and played on their team, we would be successful. They were hard-working men, many who didn’t have jobs and surely weren’t looking around for a job, guys who just played Negro-league style baseball on the weekends. That’s where I learned to play Negro league style, which involved a lot of running. It’s what they call ‘small ball’ today, but I call it baseball. And then all of a sudden, here comes this white professional baseball player and his name is Jerry Priddy, you can Google him and he died years later and I doubt he even knew how much he impacted my life as a kid. Years later as a Los Angeles Dodger, they used to ask us to go out into the community to talk to kids and some of my fellow players didn’t want to go. But, I always went and I’ll always go if people ask, because I am indebted to Jerry Priddy for what he did for me when he singled me out on that playground many years ago. Players would show up at these community events and then just stay for the agreed-upon minimum 20 minutes, but I was always thinking, Jerry Priddy didn’t leave after 20 minutes, he hung out with us for at least two hours. So, I would always stick around and usually I was the last player there.”

Inspired by Jackie Robinson: “In 1947, I started hearing a lot of talk in the projects about a man named Jackie Robinson playing for a team called the Dodgers. Oh, who is Jackie Robinson? Where’s Brooklyn? I started asking. They told me it’s in New York and I asked where’s that? So, I walked away and said to myself, I’m going to play for the Dodgers one day. That’s when I thought that I could be a major league player.”

His MVP year: “I won the MVP in 1962 and Willie Mays keeps reminding me that he should have won the MVP that year. This is 2010, and he’s still telling me about it. I told him Willie get over it, man. I always got the Dodgers that one run we needed and especially that season.”

The Brooklyn Dodger vets: “Those early years of the Los Angeles Dodgers featured guys like Duke Snider, Carl Furillo and Gil Hodges, but by that time they were even more distant and intolerant of the wave of younger players coming in. They were a whole different breed of cat coming from Brooklyn. Different players from different eras have varied approaches to the game, but these guys were not what you’d call warm and fuzzy. I’m not saying they weren’t good people, but they sure couldn’t be categorized as nice people, you know? They were grumpy and standoffish in many ways. They wouldn’t help you or hang out with you. On that team you were on your own—you either made it on your own or failed on your own on that team. I have a good friend from that period—his name is Don Newcombe—and he’s still grumpy to this day. Gilliam was aloof, but a little nicer than the other ones.”

Alston & Koufax: “Walt Alston was a gentleman and very dependable, but he was a no-nonsense guy, but he didn’t say many words and I can’t remember really seeing him smile or laugh much. He was all-business, just like many of his veteran players. A good friendship developed over the years between me and Sandy Koufax. When he had arm trouble, he would stay after the games to ice down his arm, and I’d be there too icing down my legs. So, we spent a lot of time together all alone in the clubhouse, just he and I Sometimes we’d have to find a security guard to let us out of the stadium, because it was all locked up. So, that’s how we became friends and developed a lot of trust. To this day, I have Sandy’s cell phone number and I don’t think many people have it, because he’s a very private individual.”

One game that changed his life: “For a long time, I was batting eighth for the Dodgers. Batting ahead of the pitcher is not a great spot to be in to use your speed and my base running and base stealing abilities. And my bat wasn’t anything to write home about, I had to be a disciplined fielder and things like that to impress them and stay in the lineup. Pee Wee Reese used to take me out at least five days a week to work with me on my fielding—hard, hard, hard. So, then in early July that season (1960) we went to Spokane Washington for the Dodgers on an off day to play their AAA team there. I had played for that team the year before and I maintained my family there, so a big crowd came to the game. I was in the clubhouse getting ready when Alston came back and said, ‘This is a big crowd and I think they came to see you. Why don’t you lead off?’ I was in shock. And he said ‘yeah’. And then as he was leaving the clubhouse, Alston turned back around—now mark this moment because it changed my life—and he said, ‘And don’t wait for the steal sign, if you wanna go, then just go!’ I went out there and got something like four hits, stole about three bases, I was running from first to third on ground balls through the infield and my teammates were telling me, ‘Slow down because you’ll hurt yourself. It’s just an exhibition game’ and I told them, not for me. I had a great day and we went on to Cincinnati from there. We were in the locker room getting ready when Alston walked over to my locker and said, ‘Why don’t you just stay in that leadoff spot? And don’t wait for steal signs either.’ Man, I had a great season after that. I was in the top ten in hitting and stole 50 bases, beating the Dodger team’s record, formerly held by Jackie Robinson.”

Why the Dodgers traded him to Pittsburgh: “Because I jumped the tour in Japan without the team’s permission. We went to Japan after we lost the 1966 World Series. I got hosed on that too. It was supposed to be a voluntary trip, and my leg was all banged up—I busted the cartilage in my right knee earlier that season, getting caught up in a run down in New York playing against the Mets. Koufax and Drysdale said they couldn’t go on the trip because they said they had previous business commitments. But back then, players didn’t have any business commitments, they just didn’t want to go and the team wouldn’t force them. And I showed them how messed up my leg was and they still made me go. But they said I wouldn’t have to play, just sign autographs. I said okay and when I got there they started playing me. Pretty soon, the leg started hurting more and more. I asked for permission to go home and they said no. So, I got my own ticket and went home. The late Walter O’Malley didn’t like it and he got rid me of me—they traded me to the Pirates. I cried for a week when I heard about it.”

Me & Tony Malinosky

2010-09-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

He's the oldest living MLB baseball player on the planet and it was a pleasure meeting and interviewing the 100-year old Tony Malinosky. He played only one season for the Brooklyn Dodgers, but he fought in the Battle of the Bulge and one of his college buddies was Richard Nixon. He's lived an amazing life and next month he'll turn 101!

A Great Week for Chasing Greats

2010-08-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

Last week was HUGE for my pursuit of interviewing the oldest living baseball players for my upcoming book, Chasing Greats (June 2011, McFarland Publishing). My goal is to interview the players who can still be interviewed, and cross off my list of the ones who can't be interviewed for whatever reason.

So, here's what happened last week:
First, I contacted Ray Hathaway (#21 on the list) and interviewed him on the phone.

On Sunday, I drove 12 hours to and from Oxnard to interview the oldest living player, Tony Malinosky.

Later that day, I traveled to Ventura to locate Don Lang (#9). I was able to contact Don's wife and she explained that he cannot speak or recognize anyone. So, unfortunately, no interview there.

And finally, I had to take Eddie Joost (#16) off my list. He told me in very simple terms that he doesn't want to be bothered by any writers. Oh well.
So, four off my list--I'm making good progress!

Photos

Top: Eddie Joost

Next from top: Don Lang

Next: Tony Malinosky

Bottom: Ray Hathaway

Gift Cards: Rip-Off Report

2010-08-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

We got married last year and many of our friends gave us bank gift cards. What a scam! During this recession, banks are looking for new streams of revenue, including higher credit card fees, higher interest rates and late fees up the yahoo and now I’ve discovered that gift cards are another way to stick it to the consumer.
If you want to give someone a gift card, why not opt for cash? It spends easier and you won’t get saddled with silly fees. The #1 set of fees devised by the bank geniuses are the non-usage ones. There is a time limit with each card—some offer one year or even less—and if you don’t use the cards right away, you’ll be charged at every turn. One of them charges you $2.50 each month over the standard period. If you don’t use it for quite some time, you’ll try to buy something with it and suddenly notice that the card’s balance is way down or completely worthless if you’ve waited too long.
Plus, many of these gift cards have an “activation fee”. One of them charged us $5.95 to use the card the first time. Why does the recipient have to pay this? In some states, they’ve passed laws that let the buyer of the gift card pay that fee. Hard cash doesn’t have this type of activation tax. What a joke!
Also, the gift card companies (major names in our case like Visa and American Express) don’t want to share your balance information on the cards very easily. To find out the balances, you have to go online and input the unending series of numbers to discover how much money is left. They can’t tell you your balance at the stores where you use the cards. So it’s a guessing game and the banks thrive on things like this.
The reason for this is very simple, actually. Most people won’t spend time researching the balances, so in the end the banks know all too well that people will leave a small amount of money on each card. When it gets down to $3.00, for instance, what can you buy with that? Maybe a candy bar or a DVD rental? (not anymore). Banks love the fact that people leave money on their cards. And if they don’t use it promptly, the bank will suck up that balance quicker than you can yell, “Scam!”
And the cards won’t let you buy things that cost more than the balance on the card. Another con job. The merchant will tell you the card doesn’t have enough money in it, so you can’t use it. It won’t use up the balance so that you can supplement it with another card, a credit card or cash. Most people won’t know their balances, so they won’t even know what they can buy with this ridiculous piece of plastic.
So, stay away from gift cards. Buy real gifts, or give silver or actual cash. Your friends will appreciate the gift anyway and all of the money you gift them will go in their pockets, as opposed to the deep ones the banks will swipe away at every opportunity. Whatever happened when banks actually helped people? Now they operate primarily as money vultures, waiting for you to screw up so they can bend you over right at the teller’s window.

Should Gil Hodges Be in the Hall of Fame?

2010-08-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote about Lefty O’Doul, a San Francisco baseball legend who deserves be in the Hall of Fame, I believe. Another player/manager who should be in the HOF is the late Gil Hodges. His statistics and contributions to the game as a manager and as a role model make him more than merely a candidate. The Marina has a connection to Hodges, because Gil Hodges III, Gil’s grandson, is well-known in the neighborhood as a co-owner of Liverpool Lil’s. Gilbert Hodges played first base primarily for the Brooklyn and Los Angeles Dodgers. He was the major leagues' outstanding first baseman in the 1950s, with teammate Duke Snider being the only player to have more home runs or runs batted in during the decade. For a time, his 370 career home runs were a National League (NL) record for right-handed hitters, and briefly ranked tenth in major league history; he held the NL record for career grand slams from 1957 to 1974. Hodges anchored the Dodgers’ infield on six pennant winners, and remains one of the most beloved and admired players in team history. As a sterling defensive player, he won the first three Gold Glove Awards ever awarded and led the NL in double plays four times and in putouts, assists and fielding percentage three times each. He ranked second in NL history with 1,281 assists and 1,614 double plays when his career ended, and was also among the league's career leaders in games (6th, 1,908) and total chances (10th, 16,751) at first base. He managed the New York Mets to the 1969 World Series title, one of the greatest upsets in Series history, before his untimely death in 1972. If you compare Hodges to Tony Perez, the Cincinnati Reds’ 1B who is in the HOF, you can plainly see that Hodges deserved to be there. It’s a complete disgrace that this incredible man and player and manager isn’t in the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY.
Random Thoughts
I went to NYC in August on vacation and I got to see both of the new baseball stadiums. I was talking to several fans and they all said the same thing: “The seats in these new ballparks are way too expensive.” Now NY Giants football fans are bailing on their season tickets, because the prices at the new Meadowlands are out-of-control, even at Big Apple levels. Are these new fancy stadiums pricing the common man right out of the running for seats? It sounds like it and it’s a shame. Pretty soon, corporations will be the only ones who can afford season tickets, $10 beers and $9 hot dogs! The Bay Area can now claim that we have the most successful horse racing jockey in the world right here. If you don’t know him, his name is Russell Baze, who recently celebrated his 11,000th race at the Sonoma County Fair this summer. When I played the horses many years ago, I made a lot of money betting on horses with Baze atop. When he was riding Trainer Jerry Hollendorfer’s horses for many years primarily at Bay Meadows and Golden Gate Fields, Baze was as close to being a sure thing as any jockey in the sport.
Will the Lions Roar Again in 2011?
Galileo Academy’s Head Football Coach Mark Huynh is excited about his team this year after the Lions surprised the rest of the Academic League by capturing the title last season (9-3 overall and 6-1 in league). After a talented group of seniors who graduated in June, this team is a very young, but enthusiastic unit, led by Sr. RB Quincy Nelson (“He’s smart, pretty quick and sneaky fast,” Huynh said.); Sr. QB Jonathan Lu (“He got a lot of snaps last year, so we’re excited to see how he’ll do as out #1 guy.”); Sr. Cornerback Waynelle Buckner (“He should make some big plays this year.”); Jr. Center Michael Brzozek, Sr. Cornerback William Kay (“Strong, quick and a hard worker.”); Sr. Middle Linebacker Max Malloy (“He’s a hard hitter and a tough kid.”) and Jr. Nose Tackle Marc Pineda (“He can clog up the middle, which is key to our defense.) Coach Huynh will be running a triple option offense, featuring one fullback and two slot backs, he explained. What teams will be the ones to beat in the Academic League this season? “Washington will be talented and deep and Lowell should be very competitive,” Huynh said. “We don’t know much about Lincoln this year, but I’ve heard they’re a very young, athletic group, so it should be an interesting league this season.” Galileo’s first home game will be against Moreau Catholic on September 18th. Let’s get out there and support the Marina’s only high school football program.

Old Comics Never Die!

2010-08-17T07:55:00.000-07:00

This year marks the 30th annual presentation of the world’s first outdoor comedy concert. That’s right, Comedy Day is turning 30, but you can trust that it will continue to bring five hours of funny to Sharon Meadow in Golden Gate Park from noon to 5 p.m. on Sunday, September 19. The free event features 40 comedians on one stage in a non-stop relay of jokes.
This year’s lineup, a combination of up-and-coming talent, national and Bay Area favorites, and a cadre of comedians who first performed during Comedy Day’s early ‘80s infancy, includes: Carlos Alazraqui, Tom Ammiano, Diane Amos, Ngaio Bealum, Dick Bright, Eddie Brill, A. Whitney Brown, Bruce “Baby Man” Baum, Larry “Bubbles” Brown, Andy Bumatai, Candy Churilla, Brian Copeland, Debi Durst, Will Durst, David Feldman, Marga Gomez, Caitlin Gill, Maximilian Gstettenbauer, Linda Hill, Jeremy Kramer, Grant Lyon, Don McMillan, Dr. Gonzo, The Meehan Brothers, Rick Overton, Steven Pearl, Mark Pitta, Michael Pritchard, Dan St. Paul, Bob Rubin, Bob Sarlatte, Carrie Snow, Barry Sobel, Tony Sparks, Johnny Steele, Howard Stone, Barry Weintraub, J. Raoul Brody And The STUPEDS, And Very Special Surprise Guests!

Founder Jose Simon’s dream of a free, open-air comedy celebration became a reality in 1981, and since that time, more than 600 of the world’s funniest comedians have performed gratis for more than a half-million people. Comedy Day has hosted many of the biggest names in stand-up, among them Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Garry Shandling, Ellen DeGeneres, Eddie Izzard, Dana Carvey, Bobcat Goldthwait, Paula Poundstone, Brian Copeland, Rob Schneider, George Lopez, Greg Proops, Dave Chappelle, Margaret Cho, Greg Behrendt, Dana Gould, Tom Kenney, Dave Attell, Arj Barker, Brian Regan, Jake Johannsen, Patton Oswalt, Janeane Garofalo, and Father Guido Sarducci.

“We all need a good laugh…especially now,” says Debi Durst, Board President of Comedy Day. “Our goal is to give the audience a break from the trials of daily life. Sure, there’ll be jokes about the state of the economy, dubious politicians, upcoming midterm elections, the big oil spill and other scandals, but finding something funny about these distressing times helps people release all their pent-up energy.”

I had an opportunity recently to talk with Dr. Gonzo, a legendary name among comedians from during the 1980’s, a period that people now call The Golden Era of San Francisco Comedy. Dr. Gonzo (John Means) retired from performing more than a decade ago, and returned to his hometown, Mason City, Illinois, to teach community college English for a while and open two restaurants. In his heyday, Dr. Gonzo was most known for his song parodies and opened at concerts for big musical acts, like Huey Lewis and the News, Greg Kihn, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Journey and Carlos Santana, just to name a few.

Q: You haven’t performed in 12 years, but you’ll be back on the big stage at Comedy Day?
A: It’s a weird thing to jump back in again. I was on the road for 20 years and I was getting burnt out on the lifestyle. I had given up all of my vices—all the things that were going to kill me—so I wanted to do something different with my life, so I went back to school and got a degree in English. Then my dad died and I got divorced, so it was tough for a while. So, my life changed drastically in a very short time and I remarried a woman I knew from high school. We’ve fixed up seven buildings here in my hometown. We own two restaurants that are pretty cool. We live above the restaurants, which is great, because I don’t have a lawn to mow and my commute is excellent.

Q: You’re going to see a lot of your fellow comics from the heyday at this year’s Comedy Day. Will it be a fun reunion?
A: It’s going to be a blast! Wow, it’s hard to believe it’s been 30 years. I was there for so many Comedy Days, so this will be cool. It’s a great experience, because you get to see so many of your friends all in one place. It will be an exciting experience, performing in front of 10,000 people after not being on a stage for 12 years. I’m not getting back into it for a living, but this is more of a kick.

Q: What was it like doing your last gig back in 1998?
A: My desire was gone by then, so it was anti-climatic more than anything else. Things had changed, because the audience got younger and I got older. I thought my last show would be an emotional deal, but it wasn’t. At that point, I was deep into going to school and I thought that performing for that supposed last time would be emotional, but it was more like a monkey getting pulled off my back, actually.

Q: People look back at the‘80’s comedy scene in San Francisco and say it was an incredibly talent-laden time. Did you know that it was that way back then?
A: I think we knew it. There was something special in the city by the way comedy just boomed during that time. I came to SF as a musician and the music scene back then took a dump just when comedy was starting to peak. It was easy for any club with a light and a small stage to do comedy, and there were so many comics out there that shows were everywhere. I don’t think many of us got into standup back then to make money—we just thought it was a lot of fun. We were screwing around and it just happened. Steven Pearl, Doug Ferrari, Will Durst, Bobby Slayton, (the late) Jane Dornacker, Billy Jaye, Michael Pritchard, Linda Hill—they were all here and it was amazing.

My Interview with Rich Little

2010-07-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

On August 8th, Impressionist Rich Little will be one of the panelists featured at Comedy Talks, a series of conversations by comedians about comedy and their careers. We talked to Rich about his many years on the stage, some of the highlights and lowlights and asked him about his current project, a one-man show in which he plays Jimmy Stewart.

Q: What advice would you offer to young comedians or comic actors?
A: They’re different types of standup comedy. What I do is basically tell jokes. Many of the comics today tell anecdotes and real-life stories, and I always tell jokes with a very distinct set up followed by a punch line. It’s a different type of comedy. I put a lot of jokes in my act—not one-liners or stories. Everyone has a different approach of how they do comedy. Back in the early days, guys like Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and Bob Hope told jokes. And then you had people like Shelly Berman and Bob Newhart who told a lot of stories about things that had happened to them. I’m probably of the old-school, but what I’ve been doing for many years is taking an impression and then having a joke in there as well. That way, I’m getting a reaction for the impression, and then I get another reaction from the joke. The best thing I can tell a young comic is get on stage as much as you can, because there’s no substitute for getting up there and doing it. Try not to perform in front of your family too much, because they’re nothing like a live audience. They won’t heckle you and we won’t get an objection.
Q: Henny Youngman told me once that there’s a big difference between getting up on stage and saying random things or developing an act and working it—do you agree?
A: Yes, I am very constructive with my material. I have developed some bits around my voices and these have become some of my standards over the years. For instance, I do a series of jokes based on what stars would sound as an animal; or within a game show featuring many of my voices. I think of an idea on how can I present these characters in a different setting and that’s where I find my hook with some foundation. I do it in a new, refreshing way without just banging out just bit one after another. I’m very conscious of what I’m doing with these voices, instead of just knocking them out.
Q: When did you think wow, I can make a living in this business?
A: The first time I got paid. I was doing shows in my hometown in Canada, doing shows at Knights of Columbus and Shriner’s conventions. Back then I was just a kid who does a few voices and that’s what I liked to do. In the early days, it wasn’t much more than a hobby. I never thought it was going to be a full-time thing, but one day the phone rang and someone told me they’d pay me $50 to perform. Well, I was in shock. I almost told them I would settle for $15! I said to myself, I can actually get paid for this? Not much, but it was a start. I never thought of myself as a comedian during those early years. I thought of myself as a guy who did a few impressions.
Q: When did you first realize you could make “insane” money?
A: When I got on the Judy Garland Show. For a kid in his 20’s, that was huge. After I got that TV exposure, I started getting bigger gigs and that’s when things changed for me. I’m most proud of that period in my life. Some of the work I did with Judy Garland is considered my best.
Q: What were best and worst gigs?
A: I would say that some of my appearances on the Dean Martin Roasts were great fun. My performance at the Reagan Inauguration was also a high point. My worst experience was at the 2007 White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. Everyone talked during my entire performance and the reviewers weren’t kind.
Q: You have always worked clean?
A: Well, not 100%. It depends on what you call clean. A lot of times, you can leave it in your imagination without really saying the words, it’s debatable if that’s working blue or not. I may do some suggestive material, but I’ve never worked blue. I never swear. People like naughty material, but it has to be written cleverly. Nowadays, some these comics are more graphic than ever. Somewhere along the line, it became popular to be shocking.
Q: What are you working on currently?
A: I’ve developed a one-man show playing Jimmy Stewart. I’m touring the country with that and I want to take it to big theaters and then eventually on Broadway. It’s not just Jimmy Stewart, but 23 different characters as well. We think it appeals to anyone, even if they’re not familiar with Stewart. We’d love to bring the show to San Francisco at some point.
Comedy Talks: Conversations with the Legends of Comedy is a panel discussion that brings the classic late night talk show format to the live stage, presenting a panel of three comedy legends, with host Robert Strong. “These comedy icons will talk about their careers, personal lives, insider gossip, and tips of the comedy trade,” Strong said. “Kind of like a late night talk show, but live on stage. Our hope is that the audience gets to reunite with beloved entertainment personalities so familiar that they feel like old friends. And we'll have a Q&A period too, so people will be able to ask the panelists questions."
Sunday, August 1st: George Segal, Paul Mazursky and Ronnie Schell
Sunday, August 8th: Rich Little, Carol Channing and Steve Rossi
Sunday, August 15th: Robert Morse, Shelley Berman and TBA

All shows at USF Presentation Theater (2350 Turk) at 4:00 pm.

Friends of Northside SF get a $10 discount off of any price level if you purchase your tickets before August 8, 2010. Simply enter the word "northside" in the discount code field when you go to make your purchase, and then choose one of the specially discounted tickets.
For more information about all three shows, visit www.ComedyTalks.com.

Ed's Sports Corner for July

2010-06-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

I always enjoy hearing great success stories about local people who’ve made it. Jesse Ortiz is a good example—a Galileo High School and University of San Francisco graduate who’s made it big in the sport of golf as one of the world’s premier golf club designers in the world. Ortiz began his club designing career as a teenager in 1968 with guidance from his father Lou, founder of Orlimar Golf. Together, Jesse and Lou hand-crafted golf clubs for many of golf’s greatest, from Ken Venturi to Johnnie Miller. The Ortiz’ became personal craftsmen for Northern California’s finest golf professionals. While at Orlimar, he designed and developed many successful products introduced by the company, including the TriMetal™ fairway metal line, widely considered to be among the most lucrative and innovative ever introduced. It was consistently ranked among the top fairway metals by professional PGA Tour and senior PGA Tour players in Darrell Surveys. Before leaving Orlimar, Jesse introduced the critically acclaimed TriMetal™ HipTi Driver, which featured not only the thinnest conforming face in golf, but also the strongest and most rigid. Jesse’s metal wood innovations propelled sales from $1.5 million to $100 million in the late 1990s. Since 1998, over 700 PGA professional players have used Ortiz clubs in tournament play. During this period, Ortiz’s name has become synonymous with high-quality woods and fairway metals design. In 2004, the Jesse Ortiz Design Studio partnered with the upstart Bobby Jones Golf Company, and resounding success has followed. Driven by the commercial and critical triumph of the Bobby Jones Hybrid by Jesse Ortiz, the Bobby Jones Players Series by Jesse Ortiz continues to benefit from heavy media acclaim and increasing sales. In 2008 after nearly four years in the workshop, Jesse launched a revolutionary new 460cc driver and a collection of technology-shaping wedges for Bobby Jones Golf. In 1999, Jesse received the International Network of Golf Business Achievement Award and was recognized as the Entrepreneur of the Year for Northern California by Ernst & Young.

Gus Triandos was around many great moments in baseball

Gus Triandos was a very decent catcher during the 50’s and 60’s. He hit 167 career homers, and although he was not fleet of foot (he stole one base and holds the record for most consecutive games played without being thrown out: 1,206), Triandos had a great arm and was known as one of the top-fielding backstops in the league throughout his years with five major league teams. He now lives in San Jose, California and runs a postal company. He was wearing a neck brace the morning I met him, the result of a recent car accident. Gus was a part of a lot of baseball history. A 2-time all-star, he caught Jim Bunning’s perfect game in 1964, used the big oversized mitt to catch knuckleballer Hoyt Wilhelm during his no-hitter in 1958 and was the opposing catcher when Ted Williams hit a home run in his final plate appearance in 1960.

The perfect game he caught: “Bunning was on his game that day and everything just fell into place. A perfect game is so rare, because it’s never completely in the pitcher’s hands. An error can mess it up and I’ve seen it happen more than once. In the ninth inning, Jim Bunning called his catcher, Gus Triandos, to the mound. What did they talk about? Triandos stated after the game, "He said I should tell him a joke, just to get a breather. I couldn't think of anything. I just laughed at him."

High school: “My senior year, we had 11 guys sign professional contracts. Mission High was the baseball school, Polytechnic was the football school and Lowell was the basketball school in San Francisco at that time. The only one who really made it for any time in the majors was me.”

The 1957 all-star game: “That *$#@ Stengel didn’t even put me in that game. That Stengel really hated my guts. And then the next year it was in Baltimore. That’s when they let the players pick the all-stars for the first time. And I got in because I was elected by the players. And Casey still didn’t want to play me, but he had no choice.”

Players he liked/disliked: “I never got to where I disliked a guy. There were a couple I ended up disliking, but shit, life’s too short. I stayed away from them. You see them now, and you never get a chance to talk. Maybe for a minute at some dinner or event or something. But, there were very few people -- players and managers -- that after it was all over, I disliked…Stengel was one of them. I wasn’t his type of ball player. You know, I couldn’t run. I couldn’t hit to the opposite field. And for some reason he just didn’t like me and it was patently obvious. The greatest thing that ever happened to me was him disliking me. He also made the right pick. He decided that he liked Elston Howard better than me. And that was a helluva pick.”

Umpires: “You almost have to be an ass---- to be an umpire. You have to take so much shit. You start the season out real good friends with them by the end of the season guys were salivating, hell, saying they hated each other’s guts. The only reason the umps liked me is I didn’t show ‘em up, and I never argued with them. Stayed off them so that the fans wouldn’t get on them.”

Players today: “The way things are now, the kind of money these guys are making, it’s messed everything up. In our era, there was more integrity and more love for the game. Look at these fucking guys, they buy 2-3 million dollar homes; some of them have six or seven kids with five different women? It’s crazy.”

HOFer’s: “Any Hall of Famer who thinks he’s so wonderful because he did all these great things in baseball is full of crap. He was able to do it because he was blessed by God with natural ability. He didn’t necessarily have to work that hard to be a star. I’ve seen .220 hitters work a lot harder than a lot of Hall of Famers. There were some good ones, but there are also a lot of bad guys who are Hall of Famers. That’s why I never really idolized Hall of Famers, because I thought they were blessed.”

She IS Edith Piaf!!

2010-06-16T19:55:00.001-07:00

Multi-talented Naomi Emmerson brings to life Edith Piaf’s unmatched passion for song, her inspirational story of survival and her unwavering faith in love in Piaf: Love Conquers All, this intimate Off-Broadway hit that has travelled from Montreal to Manila before coming to San Francisco.

Emmerson interprets fourteen of Piaf’s most notable songs in their original French language (dialogue in English) and will be accompanied by Alan Choy’s live acoustic piano. Woven among songs are anecdotes of Piaf's life - her passion for men, music and morphine. A version of Piaf's life was recently brought to the screen with an Oscar-winning performance by Marion Cotillard in “La Vie an Rose”.

Piaf: Love Conquers All runs from July 7 - August 7, 2010 at the Eureka Theatre (215 Jackson Street, San Francisco, CA – near the Embarcadero). Tickets are $25-$36 and are available at 800-838-3006 or at www.brownpapertickets.com.

I had a chance to talk to Naomi Emmerson recently and we discussed the role she’s played approximately 200 times during her acting career.

What is your attraction to playing Edith Piaf?
“When I first started playing her in 1993, it was a job. But now my motivation is to continually bring her music out to the audience in a meaningful way that is a tribute to her life. The music probably motivates me the most. The lyrics really tell her story, so if you listen to them you’re really getting a window into her life. She had a very mercurial life full of extremes and recklessness and she was things that I am not. So, I get to pretend and then feel honored that there was a woman who made a ton of sacrifices to share her music with the world.”

Tell us three things we probably don’t know about Edith Piaf.
“I bet nobody knows that she was a Rosicrucian later in her life. And she was very mystical and believed in spirits and had many precognitive experiences. She had an Ouija board she carried with her all the time. One time she read the board and then opted out of taking a flight and the plane later crashed. She also helped approximately 150 prisoners of war to escape from the German camps. She would perform for the prisoners and then would make sure to have her picture taken with them. Then, she’d find out these peoples’ names and ID’s were forged for these prisoners. During a return performance, she’d smuggle these prisoners fake ID’s and they could essentially walk right out of the camp. Also, she was by far the highest paid female entertainer of her time—more than Judy Garland or Ella Fitzgerald.”

If you could have lunch with Edith, what would you ask her?
“I actually had a very vivid dream in which we were drinking together in a bar. I would probably ask her if she minds that I’m singing her songs and does she approve?”

Her passions included men, music and morphine and in that particular order?
“I think her men would have been the first one, because without men and love in her life, she couldn’t have done her music, I believe. And then when she had the pain of lost love, she sang even better. So, those were connected. And, of course, the morphine played a big part in her life. Piaf got addicted to it after she was in a very bad car accident. After three years of abuse, she did finally quit. But she never gave up the booze!”

If people are sitting on the fence about seeing this show, what would you tell them to get their fannies in the seats?
“First off, the tickets for the show are very reasonably priced. In New York, we charged $45 and here the tickets are $25-$36. Also, the theater is beautiful; the set if amazing and people who know Piaf will come and really enjoy feeling like they’re visiting an old friend. And for those who don’t know anything about her, they will leave the theater absolutely wanting to know more.”

The Art of Baseball Shines in SF!

2010-05-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

For the 13th year of the annual exhibition, the George Krevsky Gallery has assembled an All-Star lineup of Baseball Art Rookies and Seasoned Baseball Art Pros.

Every year, I make sure that I get to see the baseball art display at George Krevsky Gallery in San Francisco. This year, they’re highlighting new exciting artists while showing respect to the seasoned veterans who’ve contributed in the past. The show is running until June 19, so there’s still plenty of time to see it.

"Rookies" on this year's team, despite their prominence as exhibiting artists, include: pop icon, Mel Ramos; Russian born painter, Valentin Popov; multi-media artist and poet, Naomie Kremer; works on paper artist, Michael Scoggins; infra-red photographer, Robert Hartman; AT & T Park muralist, Tom Mogensen; screenwriter and illustrator, Barry Gifford; and Bay Area Figurative artist, Gordon Cook.

"Pros" returning to the lineup include: Baseball Hall of Fame artist, Arthur K. Miller; nationally exhibited San Francisco painter, Stanley Goldstein; iconic LA artist, Raymond Pettibon; visual storyteller, Dana DeKalb; New York painter, Louis Grant; and mixed media printmaker, Stacey Carter.

George Krevsky Gallery
77 Geary St. 2nd Floor
San Francisco, CA 94108
Tel: (415) 397-9748

Fax: (415) 397-9749

Tuesday - Saturday
11 am - 5:30 pm

A Week of Celebrities

2010-05-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

What a week. First, I ran into Vince Neil, the lead singer for Motley Crue (bottom shot). And on Thursday, I interviewed Tammy Nelson, the lead role in Beach Blanket Babylon, the longest continuous music revue in the history of the world!

Let the Hilarity Continue...

2010-05-26T22:21:00.001-07:00

Two Words for the Finest French Food in the Bay Area: La Folie

2010-05-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

Legendary La Folie Owner/Chef Roland Passot knows French food and he creates a piece of artwork every time one of his plates hits the table. Fine dining could be wasted on me, because I have a naïve, untrained palate. I can’t often tell the difference between pork and chicken or duck and turkey. I know my barbecue and comfort food, but fancy high-end cuisine is kind of a mystery to me. We only get to eat at places like La Folie for very special occasions, like birthdays and anniversaries. So, when I do have a fine dining experience, I’m basically a fish out of water.

We knew almost instantly that La Folie was going to offer a charming complete dining experience. With cotton-candy clouds painted on sky-blue walls, La Folie has an atmosphere that exudes class and luxury. Passot’s passion for French fine dining is evident in every aspect of his restaurant—from the professional service, the extensive Franco-California wine list, the amazing small bites between courses and a wide range of rare vegetarian menu offerings. This is Passot’s dream restaurant and we enjoyed being part of his vision.

We decided to go with La Folie’s 4-course plan ($85 per person) and we were pleasantly surprised and beyond satisfied for everything we ate. Some of the more notable items include La Folie’s Confit of Kurabuta Pork Belly with Boudin Noir, Quince Puree and Pickled Cipolini Onions (I could live on pork belly if I could.); Warm Edam Cheese Souffle with Fromage Blanc Sorbet, Crispy Bacon, White Sesame Tuile (You have to order it right away, because it takes time to prepare this amazing soufflé. My only complaint here is that there wasn’t enough of it.); Niman Ranch Lamb Loin, with Carrot and Medjool Dates, Potatoes “Fondante”, Lamb Shoulder Crepinette (I love my lamb so rare I can feel the pulse and this one fit the bill.); Goat Cheese and Fourme D’Ambert Terrine with Baby Pickled Beets, Toasted Walnuts and Frisee Salad (La Folie loves veggies and this dish proves it.); Dungeness Crab Salad Napoleon on Crispy Pineapple Chips, Grapefruit and Pomegranate Gelee (The Gelee solicited glee!);and Seared Day Boat Scallop with Parsnip Puree, Celery Gratin and Lobster Vanilla Sauce (Everyone does scallops, but they can easily be overcooked. La Folie prepared them perfectly.)

If I’m giving stars, La Folie receives all five and more. When it comes down to the food, this place is adventurous without showing off too much. We had a great first year wedding anniversary meal and although the evening wasn’t cheap, we left La Folie exceedingly happy, pampered and anxious to return for another special occasion in the future.

La Folie
2316 Polk Street
San Francisco, Calif.
(415) 776-5577
www.lafolie.com

Ed's Sports Corner

2010-05-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

Let’s Get Lefty in the Hall of Fame!

I went to Lefty O’Doul’s restaurant the other day, ordered an O’Doul’s and sat down to interview Tom O’Doul, Lefty’s cousin. Is that triple déjà vu or what? Right now, there is a movement to get Lefty elected to the Hall of Fame. The Buck O'Neil Lifetime Achievement Award will be awarded to people who were ambassadors to the game and have promoted the game of baseball during their lifetime. Frank "Lefty" O'Doul did this and was certainly an ambassador, mentor and promoter of the game during his lifetime. If you would like to help in our letter writing campaign to induct Frank "Lefty" O'Doul into the National Baseball Hall of Fame as a recipient of the Buck O'Neil Lifetime Achievement Award in 2011, please send letters to: BUCK O'NEIL LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD, NATIONAL BASEBALL HALL OF FAME & MUSEUM, 25 MAIN STREET, COOPERSTOWN, NY 13326-1330.

If you’re not familiar with Lefty, here are his stats—11 seasons, .349 lifetime batting average, averaged 91 RBI and 190 hits each season and led the National League in batting average twice, in 1929 and 1932. Here are some excerpts from my recent interview with Tom O’Doul:

Benefits of a famous cousin: One story I love to relate is that Lefty always came to my opening days when I was playing Little League. In 1954, opening day was approaching and my dad told me, “Cousin Frank’s coming to your opener.” And I thought, that’s cool. So he shows up in a Cadillac with Joe DiMaggio. I’ll never forget the moment, because everyone’s mouth just dropped and stay opened. There was a buzz in the air. But, they were gone five minutes later. I lived off that moment for the next five years, at least.”

Lefty’s early days: “He never made it past the 7th grade and he would always push me to finish school. He had to drop out to work as a butcher. His father, his grandfather and his uncles were all butchers. If he hadn’t made it as a baseball player, he would have been a butcher.”

His relationships with other great players: “Lefty got along with everyone, including Ty Cobb, which wasn’t easy from what I heard. He loved Babe Ruth and they spent a lot of time together. They both had that great sense of humor, so that’s probably why they got along so well.”

The world famous Lefty O’ Doul’s Bloody Mary: “It’s from an original O’Doul family recipe and they’ve served it there since day one. The O’Doul’s drug of choice has always been alcohol. Lefty drank bourbon and water and beer. My uncle loved being in bars and talking to people in bars, so opening his own restaurant/bar in his hometown was a logical progression.”

Why Lefty loved Japanese baseball so much: “Probably because the way they played the game. I think he liked the purity of it. He appreciated their dedication to the game. And they were extremely pleased to learn from the “Great American”. Lefty was the one who brought Babe Ruth to Japan. They were dying to see Babe and he brought them on his first tour there in 1934. He did three tours to Japan total—in ’31, ’34 and ’49. In 2002, Lefty was chosen to be in the Japanese Baseball of Fame.

Harding Park Hits the Top Muni’s List at #10

Harding Park was recently named #10 on GolfWeek magazine’s annual list of the 50 Best Municipal Courses in the country. Harding Park’s Manager Rodney Wilson is obviously pleased to be on the coveted list and cites several reasons why his course scored so high, he said. “People say playing golf is expensive, but if you can compare it to attending other sporting events, it’s very reasonable. We have rates like $46 per round for SF residents who play during the week and seniors who can play for as little as $31 at certain times. We renovated the course in 2003 and it’s in great shape. We’ve hosted several pro tournaments and we’re going to have the Charles Schwab Cup Championship here this year and in 2011. If the pros play here, that must tell you something.”

Ask a Bartender

The World Cup is happening this month, so we searched for those bartenders who really know their soccer. Each of these mixologists discussed which teams they feel will contend and/or pretend when the world’s finest convenes in South Africa.

Mike English, Perry’s on Union: “I’ll give you four teams I like in order: 1.) France 2.) Britain 3.) Germany 4.) Argentina. I believe you’ll find the eventual champion from that list.”

Kevin Corrigan, The Blue Light Cafe: “Soccer’s not my game, but our cook Hugo Bustamante knows his stuff. Hugo’s picks are Spain vs. Argentina in the Final, but watch out for surprise teams like Paraguay and Portugal.”

Derek Brennan, Mad Dog in the Fog: “Spain has to be the favorite. Other teams that should contend are Brazil, Argentina and Holland. Brazil is absolutely loaded with talent and they should go far. Wild cards are Denmark and Ivory Coast. I’d actually like to see an African nation win the World Cup, because I like their attacking styles.”

Neil Holbrook, Kezar Club: “Spain is the favorite and usually the favorites win in the World Cup. They’ve got tons of experience, but the way the draw ends up can be a factor. Italy can also be very good. Honestly, as long as Britain doesn’t win it, I’ll be happy!”

Guido the Therapy Cat of San Francisco

2010-05-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

Therapy dogs are popular and I encounter them all the time in the city, but cats that perform therapy are fairly unique. So, when I had a chance to see an Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT) cat in action, I seized the opportunity. And I can tell you one thing—this feline walks the walk and meows the talk when it comes to therapy. His name is Guido and he definitely has a connection to human beings that is real and he knows it.

Guido is owned by Judi Basolo, a commercial real estate sales and leasing agent in the city. She’s his handler, his agent, his media liaison and a full-time manager for this special cat as he performs therapy work throughout the Bay Area.

How did Basolo adopt this four-year-old cat or was it the other way around? “Guido obtained me in 2006,” Basolo said. “I went to Maddie’s SF SPCA to find Guido! That day at Maddie’s in the midst of kitten season, I was surrounded by hundreds of kittens, and this striped little cat stuck his paw consistently out of the cage, like ‘Hey look at me over here!’ The rest is history!”

When did Basolo first recognize Guido’s innate ability to help humans? “A dear friend that lives in Pacific Heights told me she was feeling seriously ill,” she said. “She stopped leaving the house and was not feeling her normal self. So I tossed Guido into his kitty backpack for the first time ever! When we got to her house, she didn’t look good at all and I was ready to take her to the hospital.”

Suddenly Guido jumped out of his backpack and surprised the sick woman on the bed, Basolo said. “Suddenly my ill friend came to life and Guido accompanied her for breakfast that morning and at that moment, I realized there was something for Guido’s future. Guido was roaming around her apartment as if he was on the job. I saw his attitude change almost instantly and I knew right then therapy was going to be his career.”

Once Basolo recognized that Guido could provide significant therapy to people who needed it, she took further steps to introduce her special cat to the world. “A few weeks after that miraculous visit, I talked to the great people at Animal Assisted Therapy and found the San Francisco SPCA’s program, which is run by the wonderful Dr. Jennifer Emmert. Guido had to go through a battery of tests and I learned that only particular pets perform well in AAT work. Guido passed the test and we were official and ready to provide therapy.”

Guido’s paws hit the ground running and pretty soon the accolades and awards started coming his way. A major highlight in Guido’s therapy career took place in 2008, when Guido was honored at Herbst Theatre with The Purring Cat award by Pets Unlimited for his work in Animal Assisted Therapy!

It was a big night for Guido and his owner in more ways than one, Basolo said. “At the reception after the award ceremony, a woman came up to me and said ‘Your cat has inspired me to get my Labrador into Animal Assisted Therapy.’ Well, it’s amazing that a little cat could inspire a dog to do this work, but that’s the magical rewarding side of what we do.”

One of Guido’s regular therapy sessions takes place at The Arc of San Francisco, an organization that provides a primary resource for over 500 people with developmental disabilities in the Bay Area and to empower their clients to make the most of their abilities--learning new skills, holding productive jobs and living ordinary lives with dignity and pride in our community.

When I went to The Arc for one of Guido’s weekly visits, I almost instantly got a distinct feeling that he knows what’s he’s doing and enjoys it. To see the clients greeting Guido and interacting with this cat is amazing. Experts say that continual exposure to pets can help people to live healthier lives, and after sitting down with Guido one morning and watching him work, he has made me a believer.

Being the owner of a popular therapy cat with a jammed schedule is a job in itself, Basolo said. “Guido goes to fundraisers, store grand openings and benefits for his favorite causes. In many cases, he gets invited instead of me! For the past two years Guido has appeared at Saks Fifth Avenue with Jan Wahl benefitting Pets Unlimited. The people want to see Guido and I’m just his chauffeur in most cases.”

Basolo is proud to say that Guido has his very own publication. “The Guido Gazette is sent out each Monday to every continent on the planet. He’s in his fourth year and he’s never missed a deadline. He’s got feline fans everywhere, and the most common note Guido gets is from people who are commending him for his Animal Assisted Therapy work – it amazes people worldwide. He continually amazes me and I live with him!”

(Photo credit: http://www.markrogersphotography.com/)

Now Dat's Funny!

2010-05-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

Dat Phan is the original winner of NBC’s Last Comic Standing and is a headlining comedian touring live throughout the U.S. He’s made numerous TV and movie appearances, including The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Family Guy as a voiceover and Cellular. Dat was born in Saigon, Vietnam and immigrated with his mother to San Diego, California when he was a small child. After 9/11, Dat realized that life is short, so he decided to pursue his dream of becoming a comic. He had to travel along the dreary path of open mics in order to gain valuable stage time, but it paid off on August 5, 2003, when he was named the funniest person in America. Dat took the risk and auditioned for Last Comic Standing, which was an unproven experimental comedy show at the time. And the rest as they say is comedy history. I talked to Dat about his career, his future and the process of being funny. Dat’s culturally insightful comedy inspects ridiculous stereo types and shares his experience of being a regular American guy with a Vietnamese heritage.

When he got the call to be on Last Comic Standing: “I was living under a desk in West Hollywood. It was a closet that I shared with another comic. I was shocked when they called me to come in to try out for the show. The chances of me getting on a TV show and winning it is like one-in-a-million. I had only been doing comedy for six years at that point, so I was basically considered an open mic-er or maybe a feature act once in awhile.”

How he won Last Comic Standing: “I think I won for two main reasons. First, I earned the trust and the hearts of the majority of America, for the most part. Secondly, I decided to shotgun the punch lines to the audience. So, even though I was competing against other comics who had more than 20 years experience; they were using a headliner’s structure, where it takes about 60 seconds to set up a joke. But, I was trained to tell jokes in a rapid fire style, where I use very short minimal setup before getting to the punch lines. With every joke, I wanted to get to the punch line in 30 seconds or less. It was like using a machine gun against a rifle and it worked. It’s like martial arts. Multiple hits in a short time is always more effective.”

How winning the show has changed his life: “I’ve been headlining now for six years and I have grown tremendously as a comedian. One of the main things that has really changed is that now I have a team of co-writers and collaborators. I give them an idea and we develop it into a joke, and then they watch me do it on stage and provide feedback. They’re kind of like a comedy pit crew. I’m able to afford those of resources now and it’s great. Before I didn’t even have a laptop when I started and now I have my own writers.”

Incorporating music into his act: “The theories behind comedy and music are completely different, but I’m working really hard right now at introducing comedy into my act. If you try to fuse comedy and music and it’s not done right, it can be volatile. I’ve written some songs that are similar to things done by The Flight of Conchords. It’s good music, it’s funny and it’s also original. That’s the direction I think I want to go into, but with a Vietnamese twist. So stay tuned.”

Dat Phan will be appearing at Tommy T’s in Pleasanton June 23-27. To find out more about Dat Phan, visit www.datphan.com. For information on great upcoming events in the Bay Area, visit http://www.bayareacritic.com/.

Ed's Sports Corner

2010-04-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Weigh in on the corner. Ed's Sports Corner!

They called him “Coach”

A San Francisco football coaching legend, Vince Tringali, died on March 31. He was 81. Tringali grew up in North Beach and played nose guard on the fabled "glory team" of USF (1951-52), on a defensive line that included the likes of Gino Marchetti, Dick Stanfel, and Bob St. Clair, all of whom went on to become stars in the NFL. The ’51 USF team went undefeated, but wasn’t invited to play in any bowls, because the team refused to leave two black teammates (including Ollie Matson) at home. They’re known forever as the “unbeaten, untied and uninvited” team and could be considered the greatest college team in the history of the Bay Area. After his playing years, Tringali coached the varsity football team at Saint Ignatius College Preparatory in the ‘60s. Under his leadership, the Wildcats won 19 straight games in 1962 and 1963 and earned a first-place national ranking. At S.I., he coached Gil Haskell and Bill Laveroni, who are now on the coaching staff of the Seattle Seahawks, and Dan Fouts, who played quarterback for the Chargers and earned entry into the NFL Hall of Fame. He also convinced former S.I. basketball player Igor Olshansky to switch to football and he now plays for the Dallas Cowboys. In 2006, NFL Films aired a special on Tringali. Tringali’s influence on athletes and coaches extended beyond St. Ignatius and he will be greatly missed.

The Art of Collegiate Sports

In its pursuit of offering its students a full-blown college experience, the Academy of Art University has rather quickly developed an impressive sports program offering eight sports, including men’s and women’s soccer; men and women’s basketball; women’s basketball, baseball, softball, men and women’s cross country, men and women’s golf and track and field. Athletic Director Jamie Williams, the former 49er tight end who now recruits volleyball and soccer players instead of catching passes from Joe Montana, is very excited about the AAU’s ever-growing Div. II sports program as it builds over its second full year in existence.
“Our motto is ‘Be Artist. Be Athlete.’” Williams said. “I’m always telling our staff and coaches that this program is a canvas for our efforts. Our immediate goal is to be competitive and establish ourselves as a Division II contender. Maybe someday we can be the first arts school to be Division I. I love watching an artist hitting a deep home run or kicking a game-winning goal.”
I’ll be taking a look at this burgeoning program next season and interviewing several of their top artists/athletes. The AAU program plays games throughout the city, so it’s a great opportunity to see Div. II schools in competition right in our backyard.

Giants Opening Day
I’ve been writing sports for at least 30 years in one capacity or another, but Giants Opening Day was my first opportunity to watch the game from the press box and I have several observations. First, cub reporters (like me at age 51) don’t get too much love in the press box. By the time I got in there, all of the seats were long gone and no one was relinquishing their spots for obvious reasons. “Where can I sit?” I asked one of the security people at the door and she told me while laughing, “You must be new.” So, I stood and learned the ropes. The scene reminded me of my pledge days in my fraternity. Most of the other reporters looked justifiably busy and had no time for a newbie, but I must say, however, that some of the bigger names were really nice to me. I ran into Jon Miller (one of the greatest sports broadcasters that have ever lived, right up there with Vin Scully, Bill King and Red Barber, in my opinion) and he actually took some time to talk to me briefly. Duane Kuiper was also a pleasure to meet. Secondly, I pulled a major snafu when I cheered for the Giants from the press box. I got nasty looks from several of the veteran reporters and one of them even reminded me that you don’t cheer in the press box. It’s taboo. The highlight of the day, in addition to a big win for the Orange & Black, was when Jerry Rice threw out the opening pitch to Steve Young. The Giants have a great chance to win the NL West this year, because they have what most teams lack—superior pitching.

Ask a Bartender
This month, I polled my bartenders to find out who will be in the NBA Finals this year and which team will take it all:

Paul McManus, Bus Stop: “Of course, I’m rooting for my Celtics, but not one team is standing out right now. The Lakers, Denver Nuggets, San Antonio and even Cleveland have issues. Watch out for the Atlanta Hawks. They’re a very good team and they could surprise.”
Kevin Corrigan, Blue Light: “I’m taking the Lakers vs. the Cavaliers and Cleveland will win in seven. It will be the coronation of King LeBron.”
Gil Hodges III, Liverpool Lil’s: “I like the Phoenix Suns to win the NBA Championship. They’re peaking at the right time and I really like the team’s chemistry. It might be a long shot, but I like the Suns.”
Kevin Young, Perry’s: “I’m going with the Miami Heat over the Denver Nuggets in the Finals. I’m tired of seeing the Lakers and we need some new blood!”

Larkspur Hotels

2010-04-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

If you get to stay at a Larkspur Hotel, you are guaranteed a wonderful time every time. Larkspur owns some of the finest hotels in the Bay Area. You’ll find some of their San Francisco hotels Union Square and that’s for sure. I’ve stayed at the Sainte Claire in San Jose and The Toll House in Los Gatos, and both of these properties are high-end all the way. They also have some Union Square hotels. Every Larkspur contains a great restaurant and features some of the finest amenities on the planet. These include FeatherBorne beds, which is very important to me, because I have trouble sometimes sleeping on hotel beds. Also, look for a warm, welcoming approach to anything they do. Because they do! You can stay at one of their downtown San Francisco hotels. The Larkspur Landing Hotels are the crème de la crème within the crème. They’re eight of them and they’re the very finest of the group. If you’re a very discerning hotel guest who expects only the exceptional in every aspect of the room and the hotel, go with one of what we call the excellent eight! Go with a Larkspur Hotel and hit the emphasis for quality, quality, quality and location!

1300 Fillmore: Gospel & Grits

2010-04-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

In my life, I’ve brunched. Yes, I have brunched many times in many cities over many years. I have eaten nearly my weight in just brunches alone. Back in the day, I was asked to leave a brunch because I ate my way right through into Monday. Sundays are all about three things for me—church, brunch & the NFL, in that particular order. If I can talk to the Big Man, eat some great Eggs Benedict and watch my team win on the gridiron, I am a happy man and my Sunday is complete. My needs are specific, but they’re simple.

The Sunday Gospel Brunch at 1300 Fillmore is like church meets a brunch. It’s a religious experience with amazing food, an incredible gospel band called the “Future Perfect Band” and featuring a fun, upbeat almost church-like environment featuring moving songs and music that will make your soul soar.

1300 on Fillmore is a restaurant and lounge that draws on the rich cultural history of San Francisco’s Fillmore Jazz District. The restaurant features “Soulful American” cuisine, accompanied by a list of the finest California Wines.

1300 Fillmore’s Sunday Gospel Brunch is a very popular event. You should call well in advance or you’ll be standing outside the door. They have two seatings every Sunday, at 11 am and 1 pm. When we walked in there last Sunday, the place was moving and there was electricity in the air. It was packed and everyone was smiling and singing along. How often do you see that?

From 1300 Fillmore’s brunch menu, we had the BBQ Shrimp N’ Creamy Grits ($14); the Cinnamon Bricohe French Toast with balsamic roasted strawberries with a French vanilla-bean cream ($12); Spicy Tasso Cajun Ham and Eggs Benedict with buttermilk chive biscuits and Tabasco Hollandaise ($12); and the Black Skillet Fried Chicken with buttermilk whipped potatoes and pan gravy ($18).

Everything is prepared to order, so you won’t encounter that “not-so-freshness” issue that sometimes occurs on buffet brunch setups. It’s straightforward comfort food that’s fresh and not over loaded with cream, butter or anything else that might travel directly to our athletic thighs. The French Toast is exceptional and unique. 1300 Fillmore’s grits are amazing. I am a grits lover and these are creamy, rich and not soupy, with the perfect amount of butter and just a hint of salt. These are perfect grits.

Chef David Lawrence and his wife Monetta White run the show and it’s a great one, especially on Sundays. Check out the Gospel Brunch at 1300 Fillmore and get inspired by a great meal and an inspiring band you won’t soon forget.

1300 Fillmore
1300 Fillmore Street
San Francisco, CA 94115
(415) 771-7100
www.1300fillmore.com

Comics in Love: A Setup, a Punchline and a Segue

2010-04-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

Relationships aren’t usually hilarious as a rule. Sure, your significant other hopefully has a sense of humor, but if their jokes annoy you, things can get contentious rather quickly. Humor can either enhance the relationship and make it fun or send both parties for the door.

But, what happens when two comics hook up, or maybe even get married? I have personal experience, because last year I married a former standup comic who is now a chef. Some of our friends have said, “Wow, it must be a laugh riot at your house all the time?” But in reality, we’re surprisingly unfunny and hyper-critical of each other’s jokes.

So, that’s why I was fascinated when I met Chantel Williams and Dr. Brian King, two San Francisco comics who’ve been dating for a while and book a comedy room at Castagnola’s on Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco. I asked them a series of questions and their responses were both entertaining and informational.

Q: How did you meet and what were your situations relationship-wise before you hooked up? What were your relationships like prior to getting together?

King: I like to tell people we met at a truck stop near Pendleton, Oregon. I was passing through and she was serving up grits. The reality is much less romantic, we met online. The Internet is what’s for dinner. People sit around all the time bitching that they can’t fine “the one”, but I’ve always enjoyed being single. I love it. In fact, I’d rather be single than in a relationship, it just suits me better. I don’t believe that any one person holds the key to my happiness, and I know for a fact that I could never be that for someone else. I think that’s one reason Chantel and I work so well together, because she’d probably prefer to be single too. We are fiercely independent and very comfortable with each other’s independence. I also try not to acknowledge just how long I’ve known her, because I’m sure that if we were to ever recognize our tenure or celebrate an anniversary, it would be over almost immediately after.

Williams: We're the only people who will admit that we met online except for those people on the eHarmony commercials. The truth of the matter is that eHarmony almost rejected me and if they almost rejected me I'm sure they rejected Brian. I'm a single mom and at the time my children and I were preparing for them to go to college and leave the nest. I might be the youngest empty-nester on the face of the planet. I'm a serial dater. I was not interested in a traditional marriage, children, suburbs, minivans, etc. I love the city and wanted to stay in the city forever. Brian thinks Portland Oregon wasn't a proper city so he was generally hard to hang around. I dated a lot of really nice guys who often moved out of the country to escape being madly in love with me. For the most part my relationships ended because a.) I didn't want more children or b.) I had children. It's a Catch 22 in my life at all times.

Q: Do you write jokes with each other?

King: We try, but we have very different writing styles. For example, I’m funny. Chantel will come to me with a typical chick premise “guys and girls are different!” without a punch line and say I should put it in my act. Also, she likes puns and knock-knock jokes, and she thinks Dane Cook is hilarious. She usually thinks everything I write sucks, which is only mostly true. However, we do use each other to write. Her first stand-up set was trashing me at my roast, and a lot of her material centers around her idiot boyfriend (I swear if I ever meet the guy, I’d love to buy him a drink). As a reaction, I came up with a few sweet come-backs to her act that has worked their way into my sets as well. For a recent Valentine’s Day show, we did back-to-back sets ripping into each other. It was very cathartic. We rarely fight at home, so the stage is a good outlet.

Williams: Brian has decided that every time he opens his mouth he's trying to write a joke. We no longer have normal conversations; it’s him saying something stupid and me being disgusted and walking out of the room in a huff. We have different work styles. I'm focused on the task at hand and he is all over the map. We do work out material together but I have a writing partner Tom Smith, another local comic and Brian has to write jokes in a room by himself. He generally drives me crazy.

Q: What are some funny experiences while you've been together?

King: We’ve had a lot of good times, but none that really stand out in memory as funny. We travel a lot, I love a road trip and she is generally up for anything. We were recently stuck in Donner Pass during a snow storm and had to contemplate the pros and cons of cannibalism. Thankfully I had a big breakfast in Reno that morning.

Williams: Brian is the funniest most uninhibited person I've ever known. When he travels he takes in every tourist opportunity, when he's at home he's generally doing something fun. He has no motivation for anything if it isn't going to be fun. He has a severe case of ADD and I truly never know what he's going to come up with next. Our fun usually happens around road trips. Our most recent road trip was Christmas. He found out I had never been to Joshua Tree and within 10 hours we were packed in the car with the dog on a four-day road trip that took us through Joshua Tree, the Mojave Desert, Las Vegas and Death Valley. While in Joshua Tree, Brian dressed in his Santa suit and we took photos as he walked the dog. My life is less predictable since I met Brian and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Q: Is it difficult running a comedy room with each other?

King: Not at all, it actually works really well. We balance each other out. I’m the nutty creative and she’s the serious manager. I’m also the fearless promoter and loud-mouth attention whore whereas she’s organized and calculated. This balance has been one of the keys to our success so far; we complement each other well. For those psych geeks out there, I’m the Id and she’s the Super Ego of our comedy club. Without her, I’d have topless Tuesdays, go-go dancers between sets, and a midget in a crab suit dancing in a bowl of steamy chowder… I know sounds awesome right? But I bet it’d be a disaster to carry out and the chowder would probably scald the midget, so there’d be a lawsuit in there for sure. Sorry, I understand they don’t like being called that, I think the politically correct term is “Crustacean-American”. Also, I’d be banging a lot more of the female comedians than I am currently. And I’d never wear pants.

Williams: I think it’s difficult for any couple to work together. We have some interesting problems because Brian has severe ADD and I'm extremely linear and disciplined when I'm working. However Brian does all of our booking because he has amazing skills building spreadsheets and diligently keeps track of everyone. We are a good fit creatively because when I feel I'm limited Brian see's no limits. Two weeks ago I told Brian I would like to have a week of gay comedy at Castagnola's to celebrate Pride. This week we have a Gay Comedy Festival with a movie screening and a Drag Queen host. That's a good example of our work styles - it’s complementary. We do often bicker over details but the results are generally extraordinary.

Q: Have you ever considered being a comedy duo?

King: We get asked this a lot. I think we are actually starting to succumb to the pressure. A few months ago we started collaborating on a podcast we call “You’re An Effin’ Moron”, which is basically a discussion of the stupid things I say and do and her calling me a moron. Comic gold, I tell ya. Gold. For example, out of our first episode you got to hear such gems as the time I accidentally motor boated the dog and that “Maya Angelou is a sweet piece of tang”. We also get booked to do a lot of radio gigs together; people seem to love our banter. I mentioned earlier that we are writing jokes about each other and have performed sets back-to-back. We are actually working on a duo stage act based on this and our usual dynamic. We were all set to debut as a duo recently, but we did get stuck in Donner Pass. I think that both of us are great as individual performers, but put us together and you really get something that is much more than a sum of the parts. We’ll be working on our duo act this year, but I also don’t want us to lose our individual stage identities in the process.

Williams: I think Brian and I are naturally graduating into a comedy duo at times. We started a podcast together called “You're an E'ffing Moron”. Again another moment where I had an idea because we were driving in the car and I realized how often I tell Brian he's a moron. Our interactions are unlike any other. He says something stupid and I call him an idiot. We've been working to bring it to the stage but as everything else we don't want to rush it because we need to grow as performers and let the rest happen organically.

Q: Are your arguments funny?

King: I think they are. She just gets pissed.

Williams: Yes. Brian has a PhD in Human Sexuality and he's an extremely liberal person. He thinks that if he thinks the world works the way he wants it to that it actually does. We argue over feminism, his ideas that the entire population should be in an open relationship and who walks the dog the most. I usually throw something and call him a jerk. And then he tells me he loves me and it’s all over. That's how our podcast was started. He told the dog that "he wished I was more like her". A fight started and we have a podcast.

Q: Are you tough critics of each other?

King: Like a lot of artists, I think we are tougher critics of ourselves. We are also pretty realistic and we know when something wasn’t working or needs to improve. We are also comfortable enough to enjoy it when things go well. Because I’ve been doing comedy longer, I’ll give her notes on her performances and material. I learned a lot of lessons by just being on stage that I have been able to share with her now that she’s performing as well. And of course, we are both so new that we are constantly learning and developing.

Williams: I'm a tough critic in general. Brian is critical but less judgmental. I hold myself and others to a high standard; Brian fails to reach those standards every day. (LOLOLOL) But, we are endless supporters of one another and that's the reason we work so well. I've never had an idea that Brian didn't support. The guy does not know what it means to want something and not have it. I do push him and he pushes me. Our job is to bring out the best in each other.

To find out more about Chantel Williams and Dr. Brian King, check out these links: www.wharfroomcomedy.com
www.lifeandtimesofchantel.com (Chantel’s blog, which has moved into a more promotional instead of writing focused blog)
http://drbriankingandchantelwilliams.podbean.com/ (Their podcast, which is also posted on my blog when new episodes come out.)& of course www.drbrianking.com

Andy Finch: America's Next Great Curler

2010-04-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

He's not from Minnesota or Vermont. He's San Francisco's Treat! Andy Finch could be the biggest thing to happen for curling since the legendary Rich Confit!

I located this endearing story by accident. Right here in San Francisco, there’s a third-grader named Andy Finch. People are calling him a curling phenomenon and a future star. He’s won six state and regional tournaments in his age group and he’s already training for the 2018 Winter Olympics. His parents Amy and Alan Finch are very proud of their son and more than happy to help Andy in his pursuit for gold and fame.

"Andy is a curler, plain and simple," Alan Finch said. "We let him try all the sports and it came down to either NASCAR or curling. Since he doesn't have his drivers license, and we didn't want to dumb him down, so NASCAR was dropped. He's embraced curling and it's been a great ride."

I sat down with Andy and his entourage recently. He’s got the star athlete thing down already. Talking about himself in the third person is one of those moves he’s embraced.

“Andy Finch is a great curler,” he said. “Andy will dominate the sport within five years.”

People are calling him the Tiger Woods of the sport.

“Tiger blew it and Andy Finch won’t fall into the same ditch,” he explained. “Besides, Andy Finch is way too young to hook up with night club hostesses, so that’s a good thing.”

The Finches have hired one of the world’s finest curling coaches to work with Andy. He’s a former French champion named Jacque Enyeau.

“He’s amazing, this little Andrew,” Enyeau said. “He grew up with a curling stone in his crib, he teethed on it, he lived with it and his parents diapered it. So he was born to curl.”

A Sad State for Sports

2010-03-20T08:49:00.001-07:00

More and more people are tired of living in California. Folks don’t want to live in a broke state full of high prices, foreclosures and layoffs. And sports fans in the formerly Golden State are also a disgruntled bunch, because the teams we’re watching are mostly terrible.

I should say first that the L.A. Lakers, the San Diego Chargers, the Anaheim Ducks, the San Jose Sharks and the S.F. Giants probably don’t belong in this discussion…for now. The Lakers are the reigning NBA Champs and could repeat this year. The team has an incredible track record and the organization has always been a class act. The Chargers are in the playoffs almost every year, although they’ve never won the Super Bowl. The Ducks are former NHL champs and feature a competitive squad each season. The Sharks are consistently at the top of the hockey standings every year. They have some marquee players and play in a great arena. But, they’re starting to establish a reputation for choking in the playoffs. The team has never even made it into the Stanley Finals, so that’s their immediate goal. If the Sharks fold in the first or second round of the playoffs yet again this year, you’ll start to hear more and more boos and see more empty seats. The Giants built an incredible stadium ten years ago (AT&T Park) and the team has gradually gotten better over the last several years. Of course, they’ve never won the World Series and the Barry Bonds steroids affair has tainted his records and the team. But, when compared to the other dysfunctional professional teams in California, this group looks respectable.

After that, the state’s pro sports scene is full of wannabes, once-wasses and never beens. First, both the S.D. Padres and the L.A. Dodgers are being destroyed by the Big “D”—divorce. Both team owners are going through nasty divorces and it’s affected the overall attitude and approach of both franchises. These teams won’t spend any significant cash on much-needed free agents, until their ex-wives and the judges involved figure out how much they’ll have left. It’s a sad situation when team owners can’t keep their marriages together, because in the end, the fans pay too.

The San Francisco 49ers used to be the very best with a plethora of Super Bowl victories featuring some of the finest players in the history of the game. But now, after their former owner getting busted for bribery, the new owners are more like cardboard cut-outs in suits rather than people who truly understand how to build and field a competitive football team. And don’t even mention Monster Park (formerly Candledick)—another ugly, smelly, poorly run facility. The stadium is painted in green and white. Oh wait a minute—that’s not white paint; it’s seagull poo!

The Oakland Raiders are probably the biggest disappointment of the bunch. They play in a sub-standard facility and they have a senile owner who can barely eat his fruit compote without having three Raiders cheerleaders standing by to clean up the 80% that doesn’t make it to his mouth. They are the joke of the NFL and no coach with any ability won’t put up with the idiocy that surrounds this team. This team will not win--until the owner dies.

The Sacramento Kings play in a warehouse and they’ve never done anything significant. They’re a forgettable squad and the only reason anyone who lives out there supports this team is because they aren’t any professional sports anywhere nearby.

And don’t mention the San Jose Earthquakes in the same breath with pro sports. Soccer will never draw in this state on a consistent basis. If you want to find the Earthquakes’ scores in your local newspaper, you’ll have to look way back on the last page, next to the high school and Div. II college sports scores. Name three players on the Earthquakes and then get a life.

Then, we have three other chronically poor teams that are bad for different reasons—the Warriors, the A’s and L.A. Clippers. The Golden State Warriors haven’t won a championship since I was in high school and I’m old. The team has gotten accustomed to living at the bottom of the NBA standings after a series of general managers who have made an unending series of bad decisions. The Clippers are in the same boat. They’re the Lakers annoying little sister. Mediocrity would be a huge jump up for either of these sad story organizations.

The A’s have a crappy stadium and they’re constantly crying that they don’t have enough money to field a decent team. Thanks to a very astute general manager, the team has used a methodology that helps them draft good players to stock their farm system. But, once these players make it to the majors, they realize where they’re playing, and they run for greener pastures as fast as they can; which means that the A’s have to re-stock their team once again. The A’s had a potentially nice deal building a new stadium down the street in Fremont, but they blew that and now they’re stuck in a stadium that would function better as a prison (just put a dome on it). It is surely one of the worst stadiums in any sport!

And one last thing--why isn't there an NFL team in the Los Angeles area? Why does the third or fourth largest TV market in the nation not field a pro football team? It was amusing for a couple years after the Rams fled to St. Louis, but not it's becoming "that thing"

So, that’s the state address of so-called “professional” sports in California right now. In most cases, I’d rather watch college or high school sports than this stuff. It sucks.

All the Way with Anime!

2010-03-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

If you’re a huge fan of anime, you need to check out the Animax Asia anime series. The world of asian anime has taken off in a spectacular way. The technology has given the entire animation field a substantial boost and you will consistently be amazed by the great things you’ll discover. Everything Japanese is big in the gold old US of A, so get on the anime train right now and you won’t regret it. One example of that is the Wipeout the TV show. It was originated in Japan, but now you can see the show on ABC in the U.S. I recently saw a sample of some of the hottest cutting-edge anime in the world and it blew me away. Some of it is so lush and colorful that it looks real! It is amazing. I first got into anime more than a decade ago, and back then the stories attracted me because they are so layered. Not like some of the silly cartoons we produce in this country. If you want quality animation, anime is the way to go. It’s so detailed and all of the characters are so well-developed. One of the finest anime shows on TV right now is Gurren Lagann, which is called mecha anime. Check it out my blog fans!

Take That Parking Ticket & Put It Where The Sun Don't Shine!

2010-03-10T14:43:00.000-08:00

An Open Letter to the Meter Maids in My Neighborhood:

I’m not saying you’re targeting my car. I imagine you’re ticketing every car in your prevue whenever you can, but it just seems like my vehicle gets ticketed while other offending cars right next to mine seem to consistently avoid the similar penalty. I know, it sounds like I’m whining and maybe I am, but it’s becoming more and more evident that you people must lie in wait to slap tickets on my windshield with great dexterity and incredible timing. You’re either super human or it’s a conspiracy.

I’m mad at the world, I guess, and meter maids in particular. But, that’s a knee jerk reaction, because everyone has to have a job. I realize that it’s not fair for me to be abusive toward you simply because you chose this particular career. I’ve actually studied it, and people who become parking meter attendants were probably tattlers in elementary school, ratted out all the smokers and stoners in high school, and have been teachers pets most of their lives. These are the same types of people who also become sports referees, cops and school principals. They will flock toward any career in which you can penalize other people for doing something perceived by society as wrong. Hey I know it’s not your fault. You’re just doing your job. Isn’t that what they said at Nuremberg? (Just kidding.)

I don’t want to start a war because you’ll win. But, I want you to know that within the last two months, I’ve received five parking tickets totaling $310—one for blocking the sidewalk in front of my house for a millisecond, while I ran inside to urinate, instead of relieving myself in my car or on the same sidewalk; two for parking on the wrong side of the street on a street sweeping day, confused by your first and third week policy and maybe sometimes or not sometimes on particular holidays (for instance, why do they observe Martin Luther King Day but not President’s Day?); one for not turning my wheels in the correct direction while parked on a hill; and the final for blocking a driveway by approximately 7-8 inches.

Maybe we can make the process a little easier? Mailing in all these checks is time consuming and a waste of paper and stamps. Can I send you, for example $500, so that you can put it on account? Maybe you can give me a break for paying in advance? Because with my admittedly sloppy parking habits and your uncanny vulture-like ability to nail me for even the most minor offenses within seconds of them occurring—I anticipate a substantial number of parking tickets in my immediate future.

Can’t we just get along?

This Great Game in Cuba

2010-03-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

Well, my baseball Web site (http://www.thisgreatgame.com/) made it to Cuba on a trip by the Society of American Baseball Research (http://www.sabr.org/) to study baseball in this amazing country. The kid on the right is wearing a cap from http://www.thisgreat.com/, the History of Baseball Online. That child will grow into that hat and hopefully one day we'll see him in the major leagues!

Castagnola's: A Unique Part of San Francisco's History

2010-03-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

Castagnola’s (286 Jefferson Street, San Francisco, Calif. 94133. (415) 776-5015 open 11 am to 10 pm 7 days /week) is more than a restaurant—it’s also a piece of San Francisco’s history. Thomaso Castagnola opened the first crab stand on Fisherman’s Wharf in 1916, selling fresh crab to passersby. Back then I imagine you could get a huge bowl of clam chowder or a big crab cocktail for a nickel! The Castagnola family owned and operated the restaurant until it was sold in 1975. The Castagnola family played a major role in building San Francisco’s Fisherman’s Wharf into the popular destination it is today.

Part of the allure of this place is the amazing view. If you want to see the boats coming and going; the seals mostly sleeping and all of the busy activities down below, Castagnola’s should always be your first choice. As their Web site describes: “The dining room boasts floor to ceiling windows where you can watch the fishing boats return from early morning fishing trips for lunch; during dinner hours the boats serenely float on sparkling waters in the evening light.” And I never tire of this sight.

To be honest, the first time I ate at Castagnola’s, I was less than pleased about the food. But, I know after eating at literally a thousand restaurants in my life, one so-so experience doesn’t mean a place is bad. So many factors can affect the food at an eating establishment. Maybe a rookie chef gets overwhelmed. Maybe several people are out sick. Or maybe they’re busy and rushing through the orders. I’ve worked in kitchens and I’ve worked as a cook, so I realize that problems can exist on any given evening.

So, in cases like this, I will go back when I can to give the place another chance. That’s exactly what I did two nights later and I can happily tell you that it was a great meal at Castagnola’s. We had the Fresh Dungeness Crab Cakes ($17) and the Lobster Bisque in a bread bowl ($12). The cakes were rich and velvety and the bisque was so full-bodied and full of distinctive flavors that I licked the bread bowl and then consumed it with bravado. The seals could hear my lips smacking and clapped in unison!

For our entrees, we had the Cioppino ($28) that was excellent. It came with a generous assortment of Dungeness crab legs, mussels, clams, calamari and jumbo shrimp in a lobster broth. The tomatoes and red peppers in the soup were fresh-tasting and not overcooked. I give it an “A”.

My fellow diner is a vegetarian, so she ordered the Veggie Lasagna ($17) and it was also outstanding. Fresh vegetables were layered with ricotta and tasted full of spring. We’ve had veggie lasagna before and sometimes it tastes like an afterthought; something restaurants put it on the menu to placate vegetarians. But this item is designed and prepared to make non-meat eaters happy. And it works!

Other items we saw on the menu include a wide range of top-tier steaks and chops, including the Filet Mignon (8 ounces-$39); Rib Eye (10 ounces-$41); New York (10 ounces-$38); and the big baby for hungry carnivores—the Porterhouse (16 ounces-$40). Other seafood items include a wide range of seafood pastas and a legendary Clam Chowder in a bowl ($11).

They have great entertainment at Castagnola’s, including comedy featuring some of the best comics from throughout the Bay Area. For more information about this place, check out their Web site at: www.castagnolassf.com.

Healthy Tales: Richard!

2010-02-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

My health club is a living organic entity. Sure, the equipment and the building itself are inanimate, but the assemblage of characters within—so many people coming and going, day after day, working out, procrastinating and/or posing-- that’s the fascinating part.

I love to study human beings, because they’re slightly more interesting than the primates at the San Francisco Zoo. The gorillas are pretty predictable. They sleep half the time, and spend their limited waking hours eating, staring at you, scratching themselves and then staring some more. But on the other hand, they won’t cut you off on the road and then flip you off or steal your identity or marry your stepdaughter. So, it’s a trade-off.

This story starts about a year ago. There’s a guy who comes into the club who looks like he’s developmentally disabled and possibly legally blind. He wanders around mumbling and singing and stays to himself. He looks like he’s around 50 and he’s chubby, mostly unshaven with sideburns that are uneven and hair that’s out of control. His eyebrows are huge and I swear they move, like a pair of furry caterpillars. I started seeing him at the club every once in awhile, and eventually I noticed that everyone ignored the guy. Like he didn’t exist, like a ghost.

People wouldn’t be rude, but they wouldn’t acknowledge him either. And in some instances, that’s even worse. For almost a full year, I’d see this guy in the club, primarily in the pool and in the hot tub, but no one ever spoke to him during that entire time.

Sure, he’s not normal. But what’s normal anyway? There’s a female Russian weightlifter at my club with a deep voice and a mustache. Is she (or he) normal? I mean, I met her and she’s very sweet. She drives for Muni and I doubt her passengers ever act up. But people ignore her too. Why, because she’s different and humans fear what they don’t know.

So, one day I was sitting next to this singing guy in the hot tub, and I was in a strange mood, so I leaned over and whispered in his ear. “The hot tub is nice today. It reminds me of my college years. One time I partied with three naked cheerleaders in a hot tub. It was a blast!”

He didn’t say anything, so I started exiting the hot tub.

“Yeah, it’s hot,” he said suddenly.

He spoke. So, I kept talking.

“Hey, how you doing?”

“Fine, who are you?”

“My name’s Ed.”

He turned his head sideways like a confused dog.

“Ed?”

“If you can’t remember my name,” I was talking slowly now. “Think of Ed with the big head. I have a large head.”

He laughed.

“What’s your name, buddy?”

“Richard.”

“Cool.”

From his expression, I got the feeling Richard and I had completed our conversation. But he actually spoke, so I walked away pleased.

A few days later, I ran into Richard again. This time we talked a little longer. He was probably asking, “Why is this strange guy speaking to me again?”

Well, over the next few months I got to know Richard more and more. The conversations eventually became in-depth and I learned a lot about my newest friend.

Richard is 54 and he describes himself as “slow”. I didn’t inquire any further and I don’t care. He’s 70% blind, which means he can see movies but only on the big screen. His entire family is gone. His parents passed away while he was a child and his grandmother raised him. She passed away in 2004 and both of his brothers died last year. He survives on SSI and lives in a financially-assisted apartment in the Fillmore District of San Francisco.

Richard is hilarious. The other day he said, “I can’t figure it out. I work out every day and last year I gained two pounds.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that his “workout” consists of sitting in the hot tub and then sitting in the pool. His exercise involves traveling the 15 feet between the two bodies of water.

Our conversations have gradually grown in scope. First we just discussed the weather and the temperature of the hot tub. Now we wrestle with bigger issues, like global warming, the price of gas, macaroni and cheese vs. creamed spinach as a preferred side dish at Boston Market, life after death and guardian angels.

The latter subject came to light when Richard asked me if guardian angels actually exist.

“Well, I’ve never seen one, but I believe I have one,” I responded.

“How do you know?”

“Someone must be watching over me,” I said. “Because I should be dead long ago. I did my share of drugs in my younger days and I did a lot of stupid things, but I’m still here.”

“While you were in college with those cheerleaders?”

He’s got a great memory, I thought.

“But why can’t I see my guardian angel?” Richard asked.

“Because life is stressful enough without having someone or something watching you all the time,” I explained. “So they stay invisible.”

“Oh, okay.”

While I was talking to Richard on a daily basis, something changed. Other club members started overhearing our discussions and joined in. Pretty soon people stopped ignoring Richard. Within a few weeks, he was having similar conversations with other people in the club. His attitude changed almost overnight and suddenly he became very social and outgoing. I opened the floodgates and now he's the club's flavor of the month.

Later I found out that it wasn’t necessary for me to give him the “Ed with the Big Head” description in order for him to recognize me and remember me. Because even though he can barely see, Richard has learned how to voice print people. He can recite anyone’s name based solely on the sound of their voice.

“Hey Bill. Hi Judy. How are you Phil? Hot tub’s nice today, huh?” Richard was on a roll.

I never expected everyone’s reaction but I like it. He’s the club mascot now. Members are going out of their way to talk to him, because he’s got an infectious attitude and a smile that could warm the cockles of anyone with half a heart. And Richard has enough heart for everyone.

I feel happy for breaking the silence that existed around him. But, I also feel guilty for ignoring Richard for almost a year. Why do we do this? I see it all the time. Because we’re scared and confused by the unknown. I saw it happen to me when I had my mini-stroke. I’ve lost friends since then, because they’re frightened for me and I believe it makes people think about their mortality and it scares the guano out of them.

When we see someone in the herd and they’re not 100% for whatever reason, the average person will gravitate in the wrong direction, instead of embracing this individual and trying to find out whom they really are and if you can help them. Sometimes that means just talking to someone, so that they can at least feel somehow connected to the rest of the group.

The other day I saw Richard on Fillmore Street with another member of our club. I got up right on his left ear and said, “It’s meeee.”

“Ed, with the big head!”

There’s that smile again.

“Uh, Ed, I’d like to introduce you to Susan,” Richard is networking now. “She’s a friend of mine from the club.”

Our social butterfly is flying free!

“Hi Susan, my name is Ed.” And she smiled.

Wow I thought. So much great energy-- and generated by one guy who was formerly invisible to everyone. A human being who people avoided and treated like a pariah. But, now others have seen it and are tapping into Richard’s love. And it’s great!

So next time you walk by that same handicapped or homeless person you see every few days, maybe you should whisper in their ear and see how they respond. You might just find another gem like Richard—a formerly ignored individual with so much to offer to the rest of us in this so-called real world.

Get in the Scene with Yoostar!

2010-02-23T09:11:00.000-08:00

Yoo-Hoo, it’s a great time every time when you let it rhyme and this new gadget, you can covet it and don’t ever forget it. What am I talking about? It’s called Yoostar and chances are it will go so far. Yoostar can allow you to star in your favorite shows, right alongside the best in the business to share your performance to the entire planet. Get on and stay on it, because Yoostar is the next wave in entertainment. Get 100% into the picture and act your ass off. When you purchase a Yoostar system, all you have to do to get there is take advantage of the tools Yoostar will give you as part of the deal. You get a specially-designed web cam, green screen and stand, remote control and Yoostar software that makes it totally easy to step into the scene with your favorite actors. I’d love to do a scene with Julia Roberts of Megan Fox; I mean any guy would, wouldn’t he? Once you’ve injected yourself in the scene, you can upload the video to Yoostar.com, a 24/7 online multiplex with a HUGE audience of people who want to see your scenes. Check it out. You can’t go wrong with Yoostar!

Greyhound Matter

2010-02-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

A trip on a Greyhound bus is a traveling circus. A social experiment gone wrong. A petri dish on 18 wheels. Rows and rows of depressed and defeated. Retreating from what could have been to what actually transpired.

The old woman sitting right next to me is doing her best to avoid making eye contact, which is an art form in itself, because we’re a foot apart from each other. She’s once again being shuttled from her son in Waco back to her sister in Nashville. No one had to tell me, I can read her ticket sticking out of her purse and overheard her whining on her cell phone.

The fidgeter across the aisle looks like a ferret high on crank but it doesn’t stop him from chatting up a trailer park princess two rows back. And an old fat cowboy right behind me ate too many nachos at the Houston station and now he’s got a slow leak.

Each passenger brings three pieces of luggage--a story, an excuse and a dream. The story is 90% fiction. The excuse is even less believable and the dreams are equally illogical and unattainable. But that’s why they’re called dreams, now aren’t they? If your dreams make sense and appear plausible, get better dreams. Don’t make yourself the best lead singer of a rock band that plays in small clubs. I mean, if it’s your dream—go for it. Make it bigger and perform in front of huge crowds in big stadiums with lots of drugs and groupies. Be the greatest rock crooner whoever lived—a hybrid of Mick Jagger, Robert Plant and Freddie Mercury-- but with the ability to levitate. I mean, why edit your dreams?

Riding a Greyhound bus is a fairly painless process for getting far away from anything you’re fleeing from, inexpensively and hassle-free. No one knows who you are when you get on the bus, so you can be anyone you want to be. Sometimes I’m a jet pilot. Other times, a successful business magnate who’s Ferrari broke down just outside of any convenient city name I could find along the route. But, on this trip I’m myself—a lost, grossly overweight and unhealthy unemployed writer who’s just got himself involved in an out-of-control drug muling operation that will undoubtedly lead me to a long, uncomfortable prison term.

On this particular trip—a nearly 20-hour journey from El Paso to Memphis, the ring leader of this circus was no less than the driver himself. A sage observer of life along the highways and in the rest stops of America’s southwest. His name was Bill. He wore the Greyhound uniform with pride, but his large gut peeked out from behind his tight gray and blue shirt and provided maybe three inches of clearance between his large stomach and the steering wheel.

We discussed his life and agreed he had wasted his. He wasn’t shy about divulging everything. We talked about death and wrestled with the number one question for mankind—what happens when we die? He said it’s just a long dirt nap; a sea of nothingness for eternity. I told him my experiences seeing ghosts made me feel like there was at least something in the afterlife.
We basically agreed that love is fragile and meaningless and frivolous in the big picture. We talked music—he said he preferred the old ‘80s bands like Abba, Pat Benatar and Heart. I talked about the bands I grew up with and still love, like Bad Company, Dave Mason and Traffic. We hit every subject imaginable without segues and in no particular sequence--from history, philosophy, weather—we even discussed the theories behind Chia Pets and Sea Monkeys. (You know, they’re basically just brine shrimp.)

Most of what we covered during this rambling marathon conversation is what I call “bar knowledge”—information we enjoy imparting and sharing but in the end it won’t improve your life or make you a better person.

His truisms were valuable, but somewhere I had heard them before.
“Life sucks initially and gradually gets worse.”
“Potential is overrated. So many people say he or she has all this potential in the world, but most of the time, there’s nothing there.”
“I could have been the Segovia of Scrabble. But I couldn’t handle Q’s.”

He had gone through three marriages, all failed. His two daughters from his first marriage hated him, his ex-wife baited him and he smacked her, so he had to go to jail for three months and then onto anger management classes for two years. He ended up marrying his anger management instructor and smacked her a few years later.

His third ex-wife compared him to Ted Bundy in divorce court and the judge agreed, so she got half of everything and custody of their son. After earning close to a million bucks in the stock market in the mid-‘80s, Bill hit the skids and was taken down by alcoholism, cocaine and later meth amphetamine. Then, to make money for his assorted habits, he began working for a sports bookie, which was profitable for a decade, until his boss ratted him out and he spent two more years in prison.

“In one millisecond, my life changed”, he explained in the dark with the bus instrument panel illuminating his pudgy, pockmarked face, like he probably had bad acne when he was a teenager. “Seven FBI agents broke down the door and that was it. Those two years in Lewisburg helped me get clean, but when I got out nobody wanted to hire me at even minimum wage.
“It took me four years to get this job driving for Greyhound and I’ve been here nine years now. After three raises, I make $15.50 per hour. And that’s pretty much the ceiling. If I’m not a cautionary tale for you, buddy, you can’t find one.

“There are two ways in life to do things-the right way and the easy way. I took the easy way and now I sit here with major regrets. I haven’t had good wood since Reagan was president.

I thanked him for sharing his life story, right as the bus pulled into a foggy wet Memphis. He smiled for what seemed like the first time and I could still see his face in the rearview mirror as he pulled away. Our eyes met for a moment and then suddenly I saw my face in that mirror instead of his. Except in my reflection my hair was gray and my cheeks sagged. I was 51 in an instant. I knew right there and then things would get worse fast. I’m getting out of this nasty business the first chance I get, I told myself once again, but I really didn’t mean it. The money is just too damn good.

What Tiger Didn't Say Yesterday

2010-02-20T08:09:00.000-08:00

As we all know, the real important things that should have been said were never even approached. So, here I am writing between the lines.

Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me.

I stacked the room.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I’m so sorry I got caught.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior.
Buying her an expensive yacht is the first part of that healing process.
As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words;

It will come written on a check .

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.

If I could have done it differently, yes, I would have frequented massage parlors and avoided skanky nightclub hostesses.

To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

I’m starting a class for kids teaching them how to pick up on strippers and another one called “Erotic Texting”.

For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

But, the fact that I’m amazingly rich makes it a little easier to deal with all this sorrow and regret.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.

Elin deserves half and I’m scared.

The Presidio Golf Course is Fore the Environment

2010-02-19T20:14:00.000-08:00

The Presidio golf course is one of the Presidio’s greatest attractions, with amazing panoramic views and a rich history. But, now the world is honoring the course for being a leader in environmentally sensitive golf course management. By capturing the highly-regarded Turfgrass Excellence Award in the public category of the Golf Superintendents Association of Northern California, course superintendent Brian Nettz can say with confidence that the greens at the Presidio course are truly greener.
The Presidio was built in 1895, making it the second oldest in Northern California. But by using technologies perfected in 2010, the course is running a sustainable, green and clean operation. More than 60,000 rounds are played there every year, so maintaining the course is a huge undertaking. Keeping the course green, neatly trimmed and ideal for top-flight golfers is a 24/7 job, but Nettz and his 17-member crew are up for the task.
“This award shines brightly not only on the work of Brain Nettz and his crew,” said Jeff Deis, the Presidio Trust’s Chief Operating Officer, the organization that oversees the entire Presidio. “But it also showcases the Trust’s commitment to sustainability and reflects on the golf course as a whole, given its unique position in a National Park setting.”
By taking a preventative approach to pest control and focusing on natural alternatives to pesticides, the Presidio golf course has been able to cut its pesticide use in half within the last decade and now uses 70-85 percent less pesticide than the majority of private courses in San Francisco. With fewer insects, the only thing bugging your game at the Presidio golf course might be your handicap.
Instead of teeing up, the groundskeepers at the Presidio golf course “tea up” by spraying a “compost tea” instead of chemical pesticides on their greens. This solution is made by soaking compost in water to extract the nutrients from the compost. It’s just one of the methods the course is using to control disease while promoting overall turf health.
“We use seaweed and the compost tea in conjunction to fight insects that would otherwise destroy these greens, for example,” Nettz said. “Once we get the tea, we have to apply it to the grass within 24 hours or it will lose its effectiveness. It contains beneficial microbes and they eat the bad microbes existing on the course. We’ve been on the compost tea bandwagon for a while now, so we’ve really begun to see better and better results. It’s an accumulative process and the fact that we’ve stuck with it has really paid off.”
Nettz and his crew have also adopted “cultural control” techniques such as aerating and over –seeding fairways and increasing drainage to create conditions more favorable to turf and less favorable to weeds. Groundskeepers have changed the type of turf throughout sections of the course and trim tree branches to reduce shade on certain holes to control the invasive, worm-like nematode, which sounds more like a Star Wars-like alien created just down the road at George Lucas’ Industrial Light & Magic.
Nettz was surprised and pleased about the award. “We’ve been stressing sustainability and avoiding the use of toxic chemicals in every case,” he said. “We’re always balancing between providing our golfers with conditions they prefer, while being committed to developing non-invasive methods for maintaining the course and providing a safer working environment for our employees. ”
Do golfers who play the Presidio yell “Fore” in response to a greener approach to the game? “Several of our regular golfers and club members have congratulated us for the award,” Nettz said. “In the end, they want to be able to play a quality 18 holes and go home to their families, but I believe they respect the fact that we focus on doing the right thing for the environment and making it a priority.

The Greatest Documentary I've Seen

2010-01-29T15:21:00.000-08:00

I saw a movie last night and it’s sticking with me like warm chewing gum. As hard as I’ve tried to put this documentary out of my mind, I can’t do it. It may sound corny and melodramatic, but I’m crying as I’m writing this. My keyboard is damp and my mind is racing, trying to tell people about this amazing, troubling, surprising and yet hopeful film.

It’s called Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (2008, 1 hr. 33 minutes and available on DVD). This is the kind of story I can’t describe too much without giving away a bunch of important information. So let's put it this way—it starts out as a certain type of documentary, but then changes completely and offers a totally different message by the end.

Aided by a tremendous amount of home videos, filmmaker Kurt Kuenne began profiling his best friend, Andrew Bagby, when they were kids growing up in San Jose, Calif. Bagby, who became a successful doctor, was murdered in a western Pennsylvania parking lot in November, 2001. The main suspect, his estranged girlfriend, fled to her hometown in Canada and then subsequently gave birth to Bagby's son. This sets up one of the most incredible series of scenes in the film, when Andrew's distraught parents want to see their grandson, they’re forced to "make nice" with their own son's virtually certain killer, out on bail. And this is just the beginning. What happens next is even more shocking and very haunting.

I love great documentaries, like A Thin Blue Line, The Great Happiness Space, The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill and so many more. But this is by far the greatest doc I’ve ever seen. One of the things that makes it so special is that Kuenne lived in the film. He’s not just an observer, because the late Andrew Bagby was his best friend. The editing is unparalleled and Kuenne’s narration throughout is poignant and right to the point. He could have really pulled a ton of heart strings in this film, but he refrains most of the time, so that we get the story rather than just tribute to his murdered friend.

I’ve never enjoyed watching horror films. Some people enjoy getting the crap scared out of them, but not me. But this movie is a real-life horror film. And the horror in this documentary is scarier than anything some freak from Elm Street can send chills down your spine. It’s 100 times more horrific than every Friday the 13th sequel combined. Because it’s real—and that gives it more impact than a drooling vampire or a werewolf that looks like a walking carpet my dog scooted all over.

This is all I want to say about Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father. If this article persuades you to see this film (even one person) I’ll be satisfied and consider this mission accomplished. Everyone should see this movie for a wide range of reasons. To know Andrew and Zachary for less than an hour and a half makes seeing this film worthwhile if for just that reason alone.

Out of Control Squirrels

2010-01-23T10:22:00.001-08:00

Homeless thugs have taken over the Haight and now the squirrels have captured their turf in Lafayette Park in San Francisco. This particular squirrel (they call him 'Nutz") is sneaky--he acts like you want to pick him up and then he lifts your wallet and runs up your credit cards. I knew it was him because he charged up a bunch of things like roasted nuts and big woolly socks from Sports Basement. Damn! I'll never learn!

The 1949 U.S. Goodwill Baseball Tour of Japan

2010-01-18T08:57:00.001-08:00

“The 1949 U.S. Goodwill Baseball Tour of Japan” is currently a display at the Society of California Pioneers museum at 300 4th Street (at Folsom) in San Francisco. It runs through the Spring. Call (415) 957-1849 for more information. If you’re a fan of baseball history, this is a must-see, featuring more than 250 items from this historical tour.

I enjoy studying the long history of baseball in San Francisco. Next month, the City By the Bay will celebrate 150 years of baseball in the Bay Area.

Lefty O’Doul was a fascinating guy. He’s the second-greatest player from the area, old-timers say. (Joe D. is obviously #1). O’Doul loved Japan and spearheaded the 1949 U.S. Goodwill Baseball Tour of Japan in 1949. Even though we dropped the big bomb on their country, the Japanese were enthralled by American baseball and welcomed our San Francisco Seals players with open arms.

The 1949 U.S. Goodwill Baseball Tour of Japan was one of the first peacetime cultural exchanges of the post-war era between the two nations. It was the 1940’s equivalent of the famed “ping-pong” diplomacy practiced by the U.S. and mainland China in the 1970’s. The Tour captured the imagination of the Japanese public with a fervor unmatched by any other pre-war or post-war Baseball Tour of Japan. The publicity surrounding this Tour dwarfed all others – scores of graphic posters, hand colored and printed baseball cards, commemorative jewelry, kimonos, umbrellas, uniforms and tour jackets were produced and presented to each player upon arriving in Yokohama on October 12th. At tour’s end, each player was presented with a personalized fabric covered album containing large, high quality black and white photos of the players’ arrival, receptions, parades, team photos, and game action shots.

Upon the personal request of General Douglas MacArthur, the Tour was organized by Lefty O’Doul, a man beloved by Japanese baseball fans, who had toured Japan with various U.S. All-Star Teams as early as 1931. By 1949, O’Doul was manager of the San Francisco Seals of the Pacific Coast League. In that era, the P.C.L. was not the Triple A minor league team that we know today, but a league containing many major league caliber players who preferred to play west of the Mississippi for more money than major league teams had offered them. It was only fitting that O’Doul bring the Seals to play the Japanese All-Star teams, for over the course of the eleven game Tour, they drew more than half a million spectators to the games played at Tokyo, Nagoya and Osaka.

In the span of a month, O’Doul and the Seals had managed to restore some of the nation’s morale, break the post-war tension in Japanese-American relations, and lay a new foundation for friendship between the two countries. Emperor Hirohito was so grateful that he invited the Seals to the Imperial Palace to personally thank them for all they had done. General MacArthur was even more effusive in his praise, fervently claiming of O’Doul’s 1949 Tour, “This is the greatest piece of diplomacy ever.”

Compliments of Tim Evans,
Exhibitions & Education Coordinator

Get On the Golden Gate Express

2010-01-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

All aboard The Golden Gate Express for a San Francisco experience like no other! Golden Gate Park’s Conservatory of Flowers in Golden Gate Park brings back its enormously popular garden railway exhibition this winter with many new features and surprises created by local garden railroad aficionados and artists from SF Recycling & Disposal, Inc.’s Artist in Residence program. It’s a celebration of the city of San Francisco as a model train, cable car, streetcar and more wend their way through a lush landscape of dwarf plants and zip past mini versions of the city’s landmark buildings created entirely from recycled materials. New this year also are some only-in-San Francisco special effects including the sounds of the city and
the twice-daily arrival of the fog.

The Golden Gate Express will be on display until April 18, 2010. We saw it today and it’s amazing. The creativity displayed in the types of recycled materials they used; the various sound effects, including fog twice per day; and the way it flowed so well together to make it a work of art like nothing I’ve ever seen.

This year’s display has a plethora of new things to see – one that features a G-gauge train modeled after an historic San Francisco locomotive looping through the cityscape, a cable car ascending a San Francisco hill, a streetcar and miniature cars zooming across the Golden Gate Bridge. This year’s all-new, dynamic design is being created by the members of the Bay Area Garden Railway Society (BAGRS). With over 300 members that have created more than 1000 layouts in backyards around the Bay Area since 1988, BAGRS is the largest club of its kind in the world with more outdoor railroads than anywhere else.

Many of the club’s members came to last year’s exhibit, designed by model train enthusiast and Professor of Landscape Architecture at UC Berkeley Chip Sullivan, and were highly enthusiastic about continuing the exhibit as an annual event. Chief among those was BAGRS past President and the author of the definitive book How to Design and Build Your Garden Railroad, Jack Verducci of San Mateo. “This is a chance for us to share our passion and create something lots of people can see,” he says. “Most of our railroads are at our homes and not so accessible. At the Conservatory, we’ll be able to bring this great family hobby to everyone and hopefully get them excited about trying it themselves.”

Verducci promises a lay out with lots of fun features including bridges, tunnels, California specific landscaping and even a change in the weather. At 11:15 AM and 4:15 PM each day, San Francisco’s famous fog will roll in under the Golden Gate and envelop the mini city in mystery. In addition to the new layout, several new miniature San Francisco landmarks join the eleven buildings that were fabricated last year. Debuting this year will be San Francisco’s City Hall, the Palace of Fine Arts, the Castro Theater, the Painted Ladies, Lotta’s Fountain, the California
Academy of Science’s Living Roof, AT&T Park and historic Firehouse #37 built in Potrero Hill in 1917. The new landmarks, like last year’s Conservatory of Flowers, Japanese Tea Garden pagoda, Golden Gate Bridge, Mission Dolores, Chinatown Gate, Transamerica Pyramid, Ferry Building, Coit Tower, Ghirardelli Square, Bently Reserve and Merchant Exchange Building, will be made entirely of recycled and repurposed materials, reflecting present day San Francisco’s cutting edge commitment to sustainability and the Conservatory’s own environmental mission.

Special thanks to the media contact at the Conservatory, Nina Sazevich.

What Do You Get When You Take Human Growth Hormone Supplements?

2010-01-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

Mark McGwire has been in the spotlight lately. The other day on the MLB Channel, Bob Costas asked the former Bash Brother if he ever took human growth hormone supplements and M.M responded by emphatically saying "No!" If you are trying to get bigger and stronger, you need to work out. That is the bottom line. Many people think they can take some type of supplement, and all of a sudden, they'll look like Arnold or Jose Canseco, and that's not the way it works. To be honest, I don't even know the facts. I have never taken anything like this and I would never touch it, but before ANYONE takes any type of human growth hormone products, check them out very thoroughly....always!

The Summer of Love Is Dead!

2010-01-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

San Francisco’s Haight Ashbury district used to be a great place to visit, with all of the funky cafes, the head shops, the amazing music stores and a great laid-back vibe, but now it’s turn into a battleground where homeless drunks, stoners, small-time pot dealers and an entire armada of world’s lost children have taken over the area by acting like aggressive bullies and fighting the cops, who are losing the war and don’t really seem to care.

One of our friends was recently assaulted by a gang of homeless stoners in the Haight. He was walking down the street, avoiding eye contact with anyone, when three thugs decided to block him from passing on the sidewalk.

“Hey, there’s a toll here,” one of the slimier miscreants actually spoke.

“Yeah, it’s five bucks each,” another chimed in.

“Yeah, you can afford it,” the Curly of the trio added his two cents.

Like most of us, my friend changed his route and walked out into oncoming traffic to avoid more thuggery.

“We’ll kill you next time we see you around here, asshole,” they said in unison, which makes me think they rehearse regularly.

Luckily, my buddy got out of there in one piece, but he did promise himself to never return to the Haight. (Note: Tourism must be booming!)

This was not the only Haighter story I had heard, so I decided to witness the carnage myself. As a writer, I feel as though I should see things with my own eyes whenever I can. So, I went to the Haight and drove around for awhile, making sure to stay in my vehicle to observe in safety, like going to one of those Wild Animal Parks.

And the animals I observed were no less intimidating, ugly and menacing as described. The thugs are perfectly named--they block off all of the sidewalks they can by sitting and allowing no one to walk past. People are forced to walk through traffic and risk getting hit by cars if they hope to pass. And heaven forbid if you try to walk through the mob.

During the half hour I witnessed this phenomena, not one person confronted the sidewalk sitters. People as a rule don’t want hassles and the average Joe or Jo on the street will take his or her chance getting hit by a car as compared to confronting angry-looking, physically intimidating people who have outnumbered them. This unruly mob doesn’t have guns, but their arsenal, consisting of verbal threats, pit bulls, flying spit and even throwing fists if necessary, is apparently effective.

The Haight has turned into Bartertown, the apocalyptic village featured in the film Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. I kept expecting to see a fight breaking out between Max (Mel Gibson) and Aunty Entity (Tina Turner) at any time from amongst the dusty minions lining the streets of the Haight.

So, now everyone knows the problem exists. The local media’s all over it. But, those same thugs are sitting there right now, doing the same thing to every passerby they can. Will someone have to die before something gets done? Will it then become a national story so that the city and the cops will suddenly have to spin it their way and pass the blame to anyone and everyone else?
Probably. And that’s the saddest part of this entire tale. Most of time things don’t get done until they have to get done. People only learn things the hard way and this will be another example of that. Count on it.

My 2009 NFL Playoff & Super Bowl Picks

2010-01-07T16:27:00.000-08:00

Many sportswriters and/or prognosticators are skittish when they make their NFL postseason selections, but I'm ready to give you mine right now!

This year's playoffs features more parity than in any recent seasons. Will Wild Card teams like Green Bay and the Jets go deep in the brackets? Or will the leading teams (New Orleans & Indy) reach the Promised Land called the Super Bowl? Get your fantasy playoff rosters and your score squares ready, because here I go:

First Round:

Jets vs. Bengals: The Jets are hot and their defense is tough! Jets win!

Ravens vs. Pats: Baltimore is better and improving, but Brady and Moss will prevail. Pats!

Eagles vs. Cowboys: Dallas is ready and primed to make a run & Philly is slumping. Boyz!

Pack vs. Cards: Green Bay is playing a hot hand and Arizona has big holes on defense. Cheese!

Second Round:

Jets vs. Colts: The NY magic ends here. Manning and Addai will make everything right. Colts!

Pats vs. Chargers: San Diego will outscore New England and Belichick will whine. Chargers!

Cowboys vs. Vikings: This could be close, but Dallas will prevail with DEFENSE. Cowboys!

Pack vs. Saints: New Orleans is real, but the Pack is Back. Packers!

Championship Round:

Chargers vs. Colts: Decided by a field goal. (Final score: S.D.: 27-23) Chargers to the Bowl!

Green Bay vs. Cowboys: Decided by a TD. (Final score: 'Boyz: 31-24) Dallas Back on the Grassy Knoll!

Super Bowl:

Chargers vs. Cowboys: San Diego is better and deeper overall. It will be close until the 4th quarter when two crucial turnovers bury the Boyz. (Final: Chargers 30 Cowboys 20. Super Bowl MVP: Phil Rivers)

TV Furniture Has Come A Long Way!

2010-01-06T14:53:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, tv stands really didn't exist. If you put your black and white television on a desk or the kitchen counter, that was your T.V. stand. Now, they're over 200 different choices when it come to T.V. stands. You can go high-tech, old school, super quality or discount tier, because the designs, inventory and craftsmanship is off the hook. Enjoy your new T.V. with a great T.V. stand--you'll make the entire viewing experience that much more special.

Invisalign: Make it a New Years Resolution You Keep

2010-01-05T10:34:00.001-08:00

How are you doing with your 2010 resolutions? It's now January 5th, which means that 88% of all the resolutions in this country have already been broken. Weight loss, quit smoking and finding Bin Laden to bring him to justice-- these are probably the most popular resolutions in the U.S. In England, all they want is better tea in 2010. They're a more simple bunch. Another resolution that should be easier to stick to, involves doing Orange NJ invisalign. If your teeth are all crooked and they look bad, take a long, serious look at invisalign. Get it done because you'll get it done! Get a smile makeover and you'll build your self-confidence and feel better 100%!

Inside the Scoop on Outer Banks

2010-01-04T07:53:00.000-08:00

They ask me to write about the beautiful vacation spot called Outer Banks. Outer Banks vacation homes are supposedly amazing, for laidback activities including watersports, horseback riding, chillin' & thrillin' and just having a blast, Outer Banks has a legacy for fun in the sun. Many uncool celebrities (like G.W. and Tom "Spaceman" Cruise) go there and take up useless space. But, other very cool celebs like Jim Breuer (SNL) and Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters-pictured) hit the scene at Outer Banks and make it a potentially great spot for a vacation.

Graduate to The Next Level

2010-01-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

We're a while from graduation plans, but if you're moving onto the next level of life in May/June 2010, get onboard with the plans and buy yourself some high-quality, very attractive and timely photo graduation invitations. A nice photo graduation invite will make you look good as you graduate to REAL LIFE. You worked hard studying, drinking beer, brown-nosing your teachers and parents, and just generally slid through school. Celebrate! Work your relatives for large cash graduation gifts and figure out how you can get the most $$ in your life without working hard or getting caught!

Fat Comics Die Young!

2010-01-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

I was a bad fat comedian. Now I'm a slightly chubby former comic. But, I'm ALIVE! When I lose the final 40 pounds I need to shed, I'll be ecstatic. When I look back at the way I lived for 40-plus years, it's amazing I'm not just as dead as Belushi, Candy, Kinnison or Fatty Arbuckle. Those guys never really had a chance to take advantage of the top weight loss pills on the market today. Like my doctor said to me, "You don't see a lot of obese people in their 70's & 80's." Think about it!

Lester Rodney: He Helped Get Jackie in the Game

2009-12-31T17:27:00.001-08:00

Lester Rodney, the sports editor and columnist for the American Communist Party newspaper the Daily Worker who crusaded to end segregation in major league baseball in the 1930s and '40s, has died. He was 98.

Mr. Rodney died Sunday December 20th at his home in a retirement community in Walnut Creek, Calif., said his daughter, Amy Rodney.

Beginning in the decade before Jackie Robinson suited up with the Brooklyn Dodgers and broke baseball's color barrier in 1947, Rodney began pressing for the desegregation of baseball via columns and stories in the Daily Worker's sports pages. By joining with the black press, Rodney was able to implement a plan to get a black player on a major league roster.

He called the ban against blacks in the major leagues "un-American" and "the crime of the big leagues."

During World War II, Mr. Rodney served as an Army combat medic in the Pacific. But he was back home in New York to cover Robinson's debut as a Brooklyn Dodger on April 15, 1947.

"It's hard this Opening Day to write straight baseball and not stop to mention the wonderful fact of Jackie Robinson," Mr. Rodney wrote. "You tell yourself it shouldn't be especially wonderful in America, no more wonderful, for instance, than Negro soldiers being with us on the way overseas through submarine-infested waters in 1943."

Clare, Rodney's wife of 58 years, died in 2004.

Writing for the Daily Worker: “I ran the entire sports department, including laying out the sports section and then I had to get my ass to the ball games, and so on and prove myself as a sportswriter. At first, my main objective was to show that we were a real sports section. Then, the one scoop we had never covered smacked me right in the face. No other papers would talk about the amazing fact that halfway through the 20th century in the land of the free, qualified and over-qualified baseball players couldn’t participate in our national pastime. And it was our national pastime back then much more than it is today. There was no NBA or NFL at the level it’s at today. There were no video games, no Internet, no cable TV. If the Dodgers were playing in Brooklyn and a truck pulled up next to you, it would be unthinkable to not hear Red Barber on the radio or people would find it peculiar. Baseball was huge back then. No other paper said anything about the fact that the black players were locked out of major league baseball. If the Negro leagues had a game in town, you could read about the game, but nothing was ever mentioned that these players were not allowed to play in the majors. Did this mean that all of the sportswriters in New York during this time were racists? No, they were ordinary people, but they knew what they could turn into their paper and if they wrote something saying things like, ‘why aren’t these guys playing in the big leagues?’ their editors would have asked them something like, “why are you bringing this stuff up here?’ That was the culture of the times. Racism was accepted. And that was one of the things that attracted me to the Communists. What the Communists were going down in the South was working for black voting rights, putting their bodies were their mouths were.”

The Ban: “I talk to my granddaughter’s friends and I try to make a connection to what happened back then compared to now. I tell them ‘look at Barry Bonds today’, the superstar (this interview was in 2004 right before the steroids hearing). Supposedly everyone knows how great he is, just the same way that people back then knew how good Satchel Paige and Josh Gibson were, but they weren’t allowed to play. Unspeakable! It’s dastardly and un-American. Ridiculous! But that’s the way things were back then. Josh Gibson, the greatest catcher who ever put on a uniform, never played an inning of big league baseball, and he died in a bitter, drunken wreck. You know, we’ve really gotten off the hook a little light about this time in our history. And so this is what motivated me to write for the Daily Worker. People will ask me, ‘were you doing this to get the Negroes to join the Communist Party?’ No. I was doing it personally because basically I wanted the ban to end. I was a baseball fan since I was six years old it was the game I loved. I wanted the best players in the game to show their stuff to America. I never met a black player who told me he wanted to stay in the Negro Leagues. That’s ridiculous. If you feel you’re the best violinist in the country and you live in Paducah, you don’t want to stay in Paducah. Of course, you want to play at Carnegie Hall, for the money and the acclaim.”

Jackie Robinson: “Oh, the things Jackie had to go through, you can’t imagine. First of all, he was hit by pitchers twice as much as any other player in baseball. He was called all kinds of names. The first time they played in Philadelphia, they threw a black cat out of their dugout. Why didn’t he say, ‘hey, who needs this, to hell with it, I’m outta here.’ Some people are thrust into historic roles without their understanding, but Jackie was an intensely bright guy and he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew what his role was and that’s why he took all this stuff. It has to be the single most heroic act ever performed in the history of sports in this country. I think I can say that. He made a real difference in America.”

The Best Managers He Ever Saw: “Stengel and Durocher are my top managers. They’re the only ones I saw that really know how to manage in the World Series. They wouldn’t hesitate to yank their ace pitcher in the fourth inning or to use an ace in relief. They knew it was a different ball game in the postseason. Charlie Dressen was a good regular season manager, like Dusty Baker, who hasn’t yet shown that he can win a World Series, but managing successfully in the big games defines the great ones.”

Leo Durocher: “I was talking to the Lip. I was chatting with Leo before a game and he suddenly turns to me and says, ‘you know, Rodney—for a #@%!# Communist, you sure know your baseball.”

Don Newcombe: “Newcombe was a corporation guy and he still works for the Dodgers today. But, he knew what what’s going on. His father was a union organizer. He didn’t beat the Yankees often in World Series play and that haunted him. The first time he pitched against the Yankees in his rookie year in ’49, it was a 0-0 game until the bottom of the ninth, when Tommy Heinrich hit one out and beat him.”

McCarthyism: “They didn’t go after me, because I was right out in the open. Many of my friends went down, but I wasn’t a screen writer using another name. As a baseball writer, they didn’t go after me and probably didn’t think of me as a serious Communist. They would kid around it jovially, say things like, ‘hey, does Marx follow the box scores?” Writing about baseball wasn’t perceived as doing politics. They didn’t see me as a threat.”

Joe DiMaggio: “He was a different guy. During his first two years up, before the aura of superstardom socked in on him, he was more convivial. After that, he was very closed-mouthed. You know he never certainly joined in with the rowdies like Mickey Mantle and Whitey Ford, but importantly, he was always curt and monosyllabic with reporters and he became mean-spirited. He was known to be a cheap sonofabitch, a notorious note tipper, and at the end he was over-selling his signature, all that stuff. But, I remember a different DiMaggio. During his first year, I was asked to take Joe down to see a bunch of kids from the International Workers Order, a left wing group. But, Joe agreed to show up and throw out the first ball for their tournament. And he enjoyed it and he really mingled with the kids. He was great. So, something happened to him somewhere along the way. He changed.”

Inside Secrets of the Great Monsters

2009-12-31T14:34:00.001-08:00

When I was a kid I used to dream about being the Werewolf of Frankenstein. When other children worshipped heroes like Superman of Batman, I admired the scary monsters of Hollywood. I imagined being in their paws or enormous boots, frightening young virgins and terrifying everyone in town. But, later I found all the real facts--the secrets of these cellulite monsters. For instance, the Werewolf had skin problems and had to spend most of his fortune on under eye cream. And Frankenstein was fleeced by his accountants. In the end, he had to sell the posts on either side of his neck on eBay to pay his bill with the IRS. Just another couple of meaningless factoids from Life On the Edge! Have a Great New Year!

Dental Implants

2009-12-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

Do you need one or more dental implants? If you do--don't fret. We recently have a friend who got the work done and it was 100% safe and effective. Our friend got it done Mexico-style. Many folks are saving $$ by going to Tijuana to buy dental implants Mexico. You can possibly buy a sombrero or a donkey punch while South 'O the Border! Mexican medical procedures are the method for mahy Americans to afford these procedures--so take a long careful look at this and think hard and long before making the move! Good luck!

My Shut Your Pie Hole Anti-Diet

2009-12-28T10:19:00.000-08:00

As of today, I’ve lost approximately a total of 100 lbs. within a 26-month period, which roughly means a drop of 3.84 lbs. per month. What took me so long, some people have asked me? Losing the weight slowly by gradually changing my diet and lifestyle has helped me keep it off, because now I’m confident that the poundage will stay off forever. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to lose it, because you’re changing your life and in my case, I saved my life. Now maybe I can possibly live into my 70’s or 80’s. How many old people do you see walking around at more than 300 lbs. plus? Not many.

For the first time in 30 years I can wear jeans that aren’t so large that they don’t look like they came from the interior of an old Pontiac. I can sit in the middle of a row at the movie theater, because now if I want to get up I don’t have to worry about stepping on everyone’s feet and sticking my formerly huge ass in their faces during the film.

Back in my obese days, the neighbor kids used to enjoy watching me getting into my 1976 Corvette Sting Ray. I’d have to completely lay down sideways perpendicular to the car while grabbing onto the steering wheel column to hoist myself into the vehicle. It took me five minutes each time and I eventually bent the steering wheel to the point where it required an expensive repair.

My three-decade battle to lose weight consisted of an unending series of false starts and bad endings. When I do the math, I can honestly say that from 1976-2006, I lost an average of 20 lbs. per year, but the problems occurred when I gained approx. 25 lbs. back, like clockwork every year. It’s called yo-yoing and it’s worse for your body than actually keeping the weight on.

My seasons were like this—I’d start off the year with a great push, but I’d lose the weight too quickly. When the weather got cold, around Halloween, I’d start eating like a bear preparing to hibernate. Buffets and happy hours in my town closed down during this time of the year--because of me and a couple of my fellow fatty friends.

So, if I look at the numbers, I can see that in 1976 I weighed roughly 180 lbs. Gaining five-six lbs. per year over 30 years means I gained a total of 150 pounds, to the point where I weighed 340 lbs. So, I know exactly how I got there. Suddenly, the health problems that were predicted became real, including diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a wide assortment of other health issues.

Over the years, I attempted several different diets. Actually I think I tried most of them. Many failed immediately while others worked initially, but eventually I gained all of the weight back. I’ve done it all—from the pineapple diet to Atkins all the way to South Beach and back.

From my personal experience, I can tell you that many of these diets are ineffective, while several are actually dangerous. Here is a quick review of some of these:

NutriSystems is a rip-off for many reasons. The main one is the food tastes nasty. In addition, after you’ve purchased a month’s food, you still have to go to the store to buy fruit, vegetables and dairy. They don’t provide complete meals.

If I’m already going to the store, why can’t I buy all of the healthy food I will consume there? It tastes better and costs less overall than what they’re selling me. Some people say that they will lose weight more easily by eating pre-measured controlled portions. If you don’t have enough will power to determine portions on your own, how will you do after you go back to eating normally? Will you live the rest of your life eating out of these little TV dinner trays? The failure rate with NutriSystems is logically high.

Weight Watchers is a little better, but the meal substitutions are still not a great idea. You need to learn new eating habits if you’re going to keep the weight off and this is essentially not the way to do it. The food with Weight Watchers is bland, but at least edible. The meals contain a lot of sugar and fat. And the customer service is terrible. If you do get somebody on the phone, it’s usually someone clueless. Once I asked one of their reps about how much one particular entrée contained cholesterol and she said, “I just looked at the ingredients listed on the side of the package and there’s no cholesterol in it.”

Both of NutriSystems and Weight Watchers make money by selling you sub-par frozen food. Everything else—like counseling or support—is weak or non-existent. Weight Watchers promotes group counseling, which really wasn’t effective for me. Sitting around with a bunch of overweight people talking about food is an exercise in frustration. One time several of us left a counseling session to go to In ‘N Out. It was more enabling than anything else.

Jenny Craig is the worst of all of these types of diet programs. They’re so hard-sell that if you agree to buy all their food, management tapes and extras, you’ll end up broke. It’s the timeshare program of the diet industry. And once they’ve got you hooked, they’ll try to sell you anything and everything. It’s the ultimate “turn and burn” program and I can’t recommend it even remotely.

I’ve also tried things like Isagenix, Atkins and The Zone. All of these have admirable aspects, but in the end you have to change your life gradually. The diet might give you a good start, but in the end replacing meals is a formula for failure. Losing 60-80 lbs. in 8-10 months will make you look and feel good, right up until you gain every pound back.

Atkins was popular until people realized that meat-heavy diets lead to heart attacks. High-protein diets with lots of red meat and very few carbohydrates are not healthy. Evidence proves that these types of diets will eventually result in atherosclerotic plaque build-up and cardiac arrhythmia.

So, what’s my diet technique? After all my research and hit and miss experiences, I am the ideal guinea pig for how do lose weight right.

So, here it is. I call it the Shut Your Pie Hole Anti-Diet. And it’s simple. The ideal amount of weight to comfortably lose and keep it off is in increments of 10. That’s right, 10 lbs. You slash your calories by cutting out dairy (sorry, no cheese and ice cream), bread and sugar. Then, you limit eating red meat to a maximum of twice per week.

Then, start with physical exercise 5 times per week. Start off walking for 20 minutes twice per day. Do it at your own pace. Soon you will feel better and within no time you’ll be running, biking or whatever you prefer. I like swimming. It’s a gradual thing, but the more energy you get, the more you’ll want to do work our harder. When I started, I couldn’t make it to the corner without panting. The old bag ladies in my neighborhood were racing past me on these insane San Francisco hills, but now I lap them and they don’t like it.

Then, I joined Club One on Fillmore Street in San Francisco. The people there are so supportive and they really inspired me to get into a workout regime that I can stick to. Physical exercise is the key, because if I cheat and eat a chili dog or a few slices of pizza, it's not a tragedy!

Why lose only 10 lbs. at a time? Here is the logic. If you lose 40 lbs., for example, in three months, your body freaks out. It starts asking you what happened. It feels like you’ve starved yourself and soon your body will try to re-gain that weight back any way it can.

If you lose just 10 pounds, your body is not shocked. Lose it and maintain that weight for 5 months. Then, go lose another 10 and do it all again. You can only lose 20 lbs. per year with this system, but you’ll keep it off using this technique.

The problem is that most people want to lose the weight fast, just like everything else. And many folks don’t want to work out on a regular basis. How many of you bought club memberships that you never used? All of us have probably done it.

Regular exercise is the key. If you embrace physical exertion of any type, it will allow you to treat yourself to your favorite foods once in a while. If you feel deprived, you won’t succeed. My theory about food is pick your spots and enjoy a decadent, unhealthy meal as an exception. Just because you’re trying to lose weight doesn’t mean you can’t live it up now and again.

So, that’s my plan in a nutshell. The 10-lb. set point concept makes a lot of sense. It took me a long time to find the right approach to shedding pounds and this is it. The one thing to remember is that it’s a complete lifestyle change. If it takes four years to lose 80 lbs., so be it. You’re not in a rush, because you know you’ll eventually get there. And the best thing is you’ll never gain it back.

Many folks have helped me in my quest, including of course my wife, who implemented a healthier diet and Greg Hubbard at the Haight Ashbury Clinic, who has been so supportive and has given me nothing but great advice.

Make 2010 the year you do it. It will change your life in so many different ways. And living is the best part of it!

Are Your Mattress Covers Making You Sick?

2009-12-23T10:44:00.000-08:00

I was experiencing problems every time I slept in my Lil Tykes Burger Bed, so I went to the Haight Ashbury Clinic to find out what was causing the problem. "Get an allergy mattress cover, you small-minded little man," my doctor replied. So, we now have the proper allergy mattress covers and my sleeping disorders have evaporated instantly. Excellent! Angelina and I have worked out a program--on Wed., Thurs. and Friday I get to sleep in my Lil Tykes Burger Bed. On Mondays and Tuesdays I sleep in my Lil Tyke Grilled Cheese Sandwich Bed and on Sunday we sleep together in the big person's bed. Sounds like a plan!

Our Dogs of the Holidaze!

2009-12-22T18:24:00.000-08:00

Ratdog got into the egg nog and Shelly is telling me what she wants for Christmas! She whined and shed the entire year and Ratdog just stunk and ate everything in sight while licking the floor incessantly. Merry Xmas from Our Dogs of the Holidaze!

Wii Can Get You There!

2009-12-19T15:21:00.000-08:00

This season, everyone is talking about getting wii consoles. Wii is the newest video game craze not just nationwide but throughout the whole world. It's a sensation and everyone is getting onboard with wii. It's like a standard video game, except you can get physically involved in the mix. The technology is getting better all the time as well. Are you ready for a wii console? Jump in with both feet and you'll yell wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!

Doing the Orlando Dance

2009-12-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

My wife isn't 100% onboard for Orlando this summer. We're going to a family reunion in New York in August, and my brother and his wife are planning to go to Disney World and all of the Orlando resorts they have time to visit. My wife has been stalling about the subject for quite some time. The last time I brought it up, all she wanted to talk about was Orlando Bloom, the actor. Now, this time, I mentioned it and she starts dropping Orlando Cepeda's statistics and biographical factoids on me in rapid succession. Where did this come from, I'm wondering? Why all the interest all of a sudden for the "Baby Bull?" She's avoiding the subject. I have never been to Disney World or the Orlando resorts and I want to go there and my wife is not warm on the idea. That's the bottom line. But, I'm not done working on here about it yet. Stay tuned.

I'm HUGE in the St. Petersburg (High School) Times

2009-12-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

I received this e-mail today:

"Hello, I edit a newspaper for high school students published by the St. Petersburg Times. We are on deadline for our last issue before winter break and needed a little holiday fun, so I found your site and Ed Attanasio's tips for fledgling santas....below is the little item I have written that excerpts his piece and credits your Web site....To make sure I don't get any lumps of coal I wanted to make sure the excerpt is okay by you and that I am crediting your site correctly.
Thanks for your prompt reply...Gretchen Letterman"

I wrote back to give the school the okay to run my article. I made some dumb remark like "I'd love to run a few of my projects past your father." It was a bad David Letterman joke, but I couldn't resist. Then, I got this e-mail back:

"Ha, Ed!

Thanks much. We ended up having room to use only ONE tip, the hilarious one about dealing with insulting teenagers (our audience, those insulting teenagers). Tomorrow the print link will be up at tb-two.com, go down a bit to print edition on the left side and look on page four. We had photo of a local santa but needed something funny to run with it. I think I googled santa and teenagers and voila, there it was, the perfect item. If you'd like a print copy, send me an address and I'll drop it in the mail.

No one's ever asked me if Dave were my DAD, that's making me laugh. I actually am his younger sister but if you could see the color of my hair, you would not have made that mistake. Fortunately I have a staff of 30 or so high- school age writers who keep me young enough to do this job (I hope).

Thanks again, happy holidays. Gretchen"

After some negoitations, my Santa article will be appear in their school paper. For the excerpt, I will recive six Pee Chee folders, two macaroni & cheese mystery entrees from the school cafeteria, three deflated dodge balls and a lifetime all-access hall pass. I do believe I made out like a bandito!

Now after this incident, I've thought about making St. Petersburg my adopted high school. I did a little research about them and their mascot is called the Green Devil (?!)

What is a Green Devil? Is that like an Evil Al Gore? Why is this demon green? Is he green with envy because the kids at Manatee High School (who beat them in the 5A football playoffs a few weeks ago) have a better mascot called the Hurricanes. I have never understand why teams are named after bad weather! Maybe Manatee knew that their mascot could never be a Manatee, because a Manatee is like a bloated seal and not very threatening.

At least they have a good football program at St. Peterburg High School. They went 10-2, and had a good year right up until they run head first into Manatee.

But, I'll need to clarify the whole Green Devils mascot thing before I get onboard with this school. A goofy mascot could be a deal breaker

The Latest Poo on the Economy!!

2009-12-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

In these supposedly post-recession times, I’m looking for any positive economic indicators that I can find. Well, I found a very promising one the other day and I’m enthused. The news is good and we’re on our way out of this slump…finally! And my information is 100% solid.

Let me explain. I was walking my dogs this weekend when one of them dropped a stinky package on the sidewalk. Suddenly I realized that I didn’t have a poo bag with me, which means I’m stuck. I pride myself on being a responsible poo-picking-up dog owner. Many people just leave their mutt’s feces on the ground and walk away and give dog owners in general a bad reputation.

So, what did I do? With no newspapers in sight; no leaves around large enough to work for the job; no litter to use, I was in a desperate moment, so I pulled a dollar bill out of my pocket and used it to pick up the offending deuce.

So, now I’m holding dog crap nestled in a dollar bill. What should I do with it? I decided to place it in the gutter and walked away. That was Saturday and the dollar is still there! Amazing! It’s a good sign. A year ago that dollar would have disappeared in minutes. And today it’s still there!

Move over, Alan Greenspan. I don’t need to study figures and economic forecasts until my face turns green to know that the recession has turned around. I’ve got news from the street and that’s more valuable than any spreadsheet analysis you’ll ever encounter.

Enjoy Christmas and run up your credit card balances, because we’re out of this mess and I was the first to tell you!

The Moon Needs Acne Treatments

2009-12-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

When you look at the lifetime of the moon, it's really just a teenager. Will it be affected when the debacle of 12-21-12 takes place? Who knows? Maybe the moon will get a makeover and many of those deep craters will receive acne treatments. Does Mr.(or Mrs?) Moon have zits? Possibly. I think often about stupid things like this. Meaningless thoughts like this are a waste of time and effort, but I can't help myself. Am I crazy of just bored?

A Tough Interview

2009-12-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

I was looking for a writer's assistant to do research for me and take some dictation. The first few prospectives seemed like decent candidates. And then this clown strolled in. His resume said that his name is "Hitler Bacon". That must have been a very good sign that meant I should abort this interview.

"What are your strengths?" I asked this guy. It's a stupid question and I hate it whenever an interviewer asks this, but I was in shock looking at this individual, so I resorted to this question as default.

And his answer was more bizarre than I anticipated.

"I help people because I am a people person. People like me and I dig them and everyone just gets real warm and fuzzy around me. They feel at ease when I talk to them, because I eminate a sense of confidence."

"What's with the bacon on your head?" I asked.

"This is bacon, yes--but what it represents is the fact that I won't live in a box. I'm an innovative, unique person who doesn't dance to the same band others enjoy."

"This interview is over. Don't call us, we'll call you."

(Thank God there's a thing called pre-employment screening.)

Mrs. Claus Wants Gifts Too!

2009-12-12T07:36:00.000-08:00

Here is Mrs. Claus's Wish List for The Big Day:

1.) Beard clipper

2.) Lots of spiked Egg Nog

3.) Reindeer poo picker upper

4.) Sedative to give to over-hyped elves

5.) Lady Bug steam cleaner

6.) Easter Bunny Chia Pet

7.) Victoria Secret gift certificate

8.) Ice trays

9.) Vodka

10.) 420 stocking stuffers

11.) New glasses

12.) A Bugatti Veryon

13.) A $6.4 million mansion in Malibu next door to Madonna

14.) A good divorce attorney

Did Santa get caught cheating like Tiger? At least he was probably smart enough to avoid texting!

Happy Christmas!

Grace White: A Standup Who Stood Up!

2009-12-09T11:07:00.001-08:00

I've written a lot of things, but this is my first obit. I am proud and flattered to write this about a great person, comedienne and my favorite surfer hippie chick in the world.
Karen Grace White (1950-2009)

Karen Grace White, age 59, of Colfax, California, passed away on December 3, 2009. She died from complications from a two-year bout with lung cancer. She was born on February 11, 1950 in National City, California. One of two children, she was raised in the San Diego area.
Karen Grace White was preceded in death by her father Robert Lee White and her brother Paul White. She is survived by her mother, Velma Kathleen Swafford, age 80, her daughter, Alisa Kathleen Cook-Shaffer, age 30 of Colfax, California, two grandchildren, Brandon Christopher Cook, age 8, and Olivia Julienne Shafer, age 4, both of Colfax, California.
Karen Grace left the San Diego area after graduating from San Diego High School in 1968. She moved to San Francisco in 1969, during the Summer of Love, where she became a member of the Big Top commune with Dennis Peron, a well-known political pro-marijuana activist. In 1974, Karen Grace White left to buy a piece of land in Colfax, California, where she resided up until her death.
Karen Grace was a standup comedienne/show promoter for 13 years and helped so many comediennes defending the rights of female comics in a male-dominated industry. Her Woman Who Kick Comedy Butt shows throughout the country were very well-received and helped careers for comediennes including Beth Schumann, Reannie Roads, Rebecca Arthur, Gayla Johnson, Grace Fraga and Jovelyn Richards. Others that performed in WWKCB shows include Sandy Stec, Tina Allen, Jackie Kashian, Maria Bamford, Kira Soltanovich, Tissa Hammi and many many many more. White promoted the theme that women work hard on stage and are just as funny and cutting-edge as their male counterparts.
As a comic, Karen Grace opened for such musical acts as 3 Doors Down, Starship, Edgar Winter, Leon Russell, and Jethro Tull, as well as comedians Kevin Pollack, Jack Mayberry, Rocky LaPorte and Father Guido Sarducci. Her television credits included appearances on "Good Morning America" and the "Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon," and made her film debut in "The Independent," starring Jerry Stiller and Janeane Garofalo. She also made thousands of fans laugh in Golden Gate Park from the stage of San Francisco's long-running annual "Comedy Day" celebration.
White, who had been given three months to live by doctors in November 2007, defied the odds and launched on a campaign to educate and raise money to fight the deadly disease, through the Bonnie Addario Lung Cancer Foundation. She also started Laugh Prescriptions, writing jokes to cheer up cancer patients--a concept that will hopefully live on for many decades to come.
During her amazing life, Karen Grace worked as a paralegal, house cleaner, waitress, legal secretary and an entrepreneur, as well as a comedienne. In the 1970’s, she owned and operated Cook’s Pastries in Colfax, California and ran a cookie business in the 1960’s.
Karen Grace White’s greatest pride and joy was her daughter Alisa, her son-in-law Chris Shafer and her two grandchildren, Brandon and Olivia. The family was raised with love and was always there for each other. Everyone who met Karen Grace never forgot her—for her incredible energy and a positive attitude that never waned, right up until her final days.
Karen Grace loved surfing and was adept on a long board; she was known as a “hippie chick” and coveted the nickname. Her interests included traveling, great food, art, literature, theater, movies, gardening, music, cooking and her family.
Karen Grace White’s daughter Alisa will be planning a celebration of her mother’s life in the spring in her hometown of Colfax, Californ

Perry Solves the Case...Again

2009-12-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

"I didn't do it! I didn't do it, I swear!"

"On the day in question, did you fall on the floor?"

"Well, no...I..."

"Don't stutter, ma'am...tell us the truth and nothing less."

"No, I did not fall!"

A hush came over the court room. The judge exclaimed,

"It's time for lunch."

But, they ignored him.

"Tell us why you didn't fall, Miss Pearles."

"I don't remember, I..."

"Fibber!"

"I can't recall, I..."

"Liar!"

"I...I'll admit it. The floor was made out of high-quality glass tiles. They were not those cheap, low-end tiles, these were top notch, top-tier, head of the heap, premium grade, true craftsmanship like this really..."

"Quiet, Miss. You'll wake the judge."

"Oh, I'll whisper."

"Thank you. We don't want the judge to get in the way of justice. Case dismissed!"

"But, I was guilty as heck and you didn't even try to prosecute me."

"Immaterial!"

I Meet the Freak

2009-12-05T17:08:00.001-08:00

As a rule, I don’t like to bother celebrities when I see them in public, but every once in a while I’ll run into someone and I can’t resist. I’ll always approach them very respectfully, asking them like royalty if it’s okay to spend a moment with them and usually it’s a 50/50 proposition.

I’ve encountered some athletes in the past who were less than a pleasure to meet. Barry Bonds was considerably less than nice, to say the least, and other people like golfer Greg Norman, sports announcer Jim Rome, HOF pitcher Goose Gossage and of course, Willie Mays (who I tried to interview in 1999) were legendarily rude and fulfilled stereotypes about pro athletes acting boorish.

But, when I ran into double-Cy Young award winner San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum the other day at a Starbucks in the Fillmore of The City, it was a thrill and a refreshing chance encounter with a smart, engaging individual pausing to talk to an avid fan. (Even though I am Dodgers die hard for 40 years).

I approached Lincecum and told him that I was pro-420 and he instantly replied in muted tones. But what he said was off the record, so I can’t say anything more. (If you didn’t already know, he got busted for having a small amount of marijuana a few weeks back.)

While I was chatting up The Freak (one of Lincecum’s nicknames) and bombarding him with questions in rapid succession, I just got the feeling that Tim plays baseball just like he’d ride his skateboard or bicycle. Here I was, a supposed grown man drooling to talk to him and the impression he gave me was “it’s no big deal.” I even sensed a little sympathy from him for a middle-aged guy enthralled by a kid who can throw in high 90’s and make all-star hitters look like little leaguers.

My overall impression is that Lincecum sees himself as basically someone who just got really good at throwing a ball, but somebody who’s not even 100% onboard with the lore and wow surrounding major league baseball. When a 51-year-old male walks up to Tim and starts treating him like the Pope, Lincecum is amused, but no longer surprised anymore. Two Cy Youngs will do that.

I asked him if he gets noticed in public more all the time, especially now after the two Cy Youngs. “It’s so random. I’ll be at places where I’d think I’d be noticed and no one knows who I am. Other times I’ll be walking down the street and people will come out of their homes to talk to me, which is strange. But, it’s all cool.”

In one word, Tim is just cool. Wearing a wrinkled t-shirt, flip flops and shorts, sending texts on his iPhone and drinking one of those caramel, whip cream covered coffee things. (I call those concoctions “dessert camouflaged as coffee.”)

I did tell The Franchise (another one of his nicknames) that he only has to win three more Cy Youngs in a row to set the record. “Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson won it four times in a row,” I said. “So that’s the benchmark, I guess.” “Cool,” Lincecum offered.

Then I decided to show off and run some other baseball factoids by him. “Koufax, Palmer, Pedro Martinez and Roger Clemens have all also won the Cy Young back-to-back like you,” I offered. “Nice,” he said. (Later I looked it up and I was correct, although I did miss Denny McClain, who won it in 1968 and again in 1969, a co-owner with Mike Cuellar from Baltimore—the only time there have been two co-winners.)
In summary, Lincecum was so open and forthcoming that is was a breath of fresh air. I sure hope he keeps that great attitude over the years, but it might be tough if he wins a couple more Cy Young awards.

In the end, I gave Tim (we’re on a first-name basis all ready) an official baseball hat from www.thisgreatgame.com, my baseball history web site. He didn’t don the cap when I presented it to him, probably because he didn’t want to mess up the do, but hopefully in the future I’ll see him wearing that hat out in public. He’s that type of kid.

My Post Stroke Mind

2009-12-04T08:47:00.000-08:00

The Rolodex in my head gets mucked up once in a while and I scramble things like names, for instance. I was asked to write about Toto sinks, the best sinks in the industry by a large margin, from what I've read and heard. But in my brain, the first things that entered my conscious were the dog Toto (Wizard of Oz) and the band Toto. Instead of sinks, I'm thinking about a little mutt and a pop band. Life sucks initially and gradually gets worse. That's my new mantra.

Dos Burros

2009-12-03T08:22:00.001-08:00

Today I start my book.

A Great Centerfielder Interviewed: Jim Landis

2009-11-27T12:31:00.000-08:00

Jim Landis was signed by the Chicago White Sox as an amateur free agent in 1952 and played for 8 years before being traded to Kansas City Athletics on January 20, 1965 where he played for one year. He then moved to the Cleveland Indians, Houston Astros, Detroit Tigers, and finally the Boston Red Sox . He was a member of the American League 1962 All-Star team, a 5 time Gold Glove Award winner from 1960 to 1964 and played in the 1959 World Series. Landis played his final major league game with the Houston Astros on June 28, 1967.

Jim Landis, 75, now lives in Napa, California with his wife Sandy (Foster).

His First MLB game in ’57: “I was a scared rabbit. Half the time I didn’t even realize I was on the field. That’s how nervous I was. All I can remember was facing Herb Score, who was throwing 100 miles per hour up there. My first impression was I better get my lunch pail out if I’m going to be facing guys like this all the time. I figured I better get a job doing something else. I was so nervous it was unbelievable. It was a problem for a while. That was an issue for me, because being in the big leagues was like a dream, but I couldn’t wake up. I was sent out to Indianapolis, because I was playing so bad that first year.”

My relationship with Manager Al Lopez: “Let’s put it this way, there are two sides to everything. He was one of the best managers for understanding how to handle people. He was like my psychiatrist. He knew when to pat players on the back and when kick ‘em in the butt. Those were one of his best assets, I believe. He knew how to handle each player very well. On the other hand, he wasn’t always a great judge of talent, in my opinion. If he didn’t like a certain style of player, he’d bench ‘em and leave ‘em there.”

Three Hall of Famers on his White Sox Teams: “Luis Aparacio, Nellie Fox and Early Wynn were amazing just to be around. Aparacio was our team’s leader, Nellie was one of the best all-around players I ever saw and I was happy that Wynn was on my team, because he was literally unhittable most of the time.”

Toughest Pitchers He Ever Faced: “Wow, there were so many great pitchers in the major leagues back then, different than it is today. We could go up against the last place team and we’d face three good pitchers on that team. We only had 18 teams, so it was more compact. As far as the great ones, like Whitey Ford, he had to battle your fanny off every time you faced that guy. He never gave in and he was just a darn good pitcher. Others I recall are guys you won’t remember who were decent starters for so-so teams, like Dick Donovan (Cleveland), Hank Aguirre (Detroit), Bill Monbouquette (Boston) and Camilo Pascual (Minnesota).”

Performance Enhancing Drugs Back Then: “One day at the park I was tired and a couple of guys gave me some speed. They called them greens or blues--I don’t know what it was. But, it didn’t do anything except that night I couldn’t sleep a lick. I laid there tossing and turning and waiting for the sun to come up staring at the wall. And then I had a game the next day. I was beat that afternoon and I told myself right there that I would never take those silly pills ever again.”

Landis vs. the Outfield Wall: “I was never afraid of the wall and I think in some ways it was an asset. I remember running into that wall in Chicago and it was solid concrete. It was so bad, you know. I recall one time I ran into the wall so hard I was drowsy for the rest of the game. I was stumbling around and I don’t know how I ever kept in that game. I didn’t come around until that evening. If I had been afraid of that wall, I wouldn’t have been able to make some of the plays I made, I believe.”

Beaned in the 1959 World Series: “Podres of the Dodgers hit me pretty good and years later I saw Podres at an event and he told me that he was throwing at me that day. “I have to admit,” Podres told me. “We were trying to shake you guys up a little bit and they told me to brush you off.” Well he brushed me off a little too close. Pitchers throw at you and it’s part of the game. Most of the time they would hit me in the legs or on my back. I never got injured by a bean ball. I was very fortunate in that way.”

Won 5 Golden Gloves in a Row: “I’m very proud of that accomplishment. I always got a quick jump on the ball and it made my life in centerfield a lot easier. I anticipated well and I studied the hitters, trying to figure out where they might be hitting that ball. That helped a lot. You learn as you play more and you get better. I was very proud to play vs. Mickey Mantle, but he lost a few steps in the field when he hurt his knee. When he was healthy, he was the best-fielding centerfielder I ever saw. He was my idol, really. I don’t know how Mick played that huge centerfield, that cavern at Yankee Stadium. The monuments never bothered me that much, but it was a big outfield. Left center was plus 400 feet and it had this drainage out there where the ground dropped off a little for drainage. I lost my balance twice over that drainage area in one game. It was dangerous and that’s where Mickey blew out his knee. ”

If You Want To Keep a Secret? Dont' Tell Star!

2009-11-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

Star Jones lost a lot of weight, but she still has one of the biggest mouths in the entertainment business. Other than Joan Rivers, Star is a real blabber. If you wanted to communicate to your employees or co-workers using a high-tech mass notification system, all you'd have to do is tell it to Star Jones and get her to promise you won't tell anyone else. The more she promises, the quicker the information will be distributed to the appropriate parties.

Clamps!

2009-11-21T09:44:00.000-08:00

When they asked me to blog about clamps, I didn't think about hardware, I thought about Jerry Rice, the greatest wide receiver in the history of football. Rice was amazing for so many years. The man could probably don a uniform and take on the game once more and perform a a high level. His speed was elusive, his hands were stronger than industrial clamps and Rice re-set the standard each & every time he took the field. I have always admired Rice but I prefer stuffing if there's a choice. (Thanksgiving humor...sorry!)

Looking for An Apartment? It May Not Be a Mansion, But Who Cares?

2009-11-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

If you're reading this right now, then you must be in the market for an apartment for rent. Cash is tight and location is always king, so take a look for some apartments for rent on http://www.mynewplace.com/. They know their stuff and will find the ideal apartment for you. They give you a tight search within the parameters you decide. Don't waste your valuable time sifting through wannabes, could-have-beens and never wasses. It's just not necessary when you have great tools like http://www.mynewplace.com/. You might not get a mansion, but you might get something just perfect for you!